Hi, new here. I,ve been married for 16 years and found out 2 weeks ago my husband has been having a 4-5 month affair with a 25 year old stripper (he's 41) He claims it was "over" just days before I found out from his phone records, not sure if I believe him, and if it is true, I am worried it'll happen again soon. I truly love him dearly and want us to work on things, he says he does too but then my attitude changes often. Our 2nd counseling session is tonight so it's not really helping yet. Our children are grown and out so it's just us. The 1st 7 years of our marriage was a bit rocky to say the least, but we worked on things and it was great! Until about a year ago, our old arguments came up again, typical "you don't touch me enough" from him and me saying "there's no romance" but nothing serious. Then, last May he had a heart attack, scared me to death and I started to feel closer to him again, we had a 2nd chance. FOR HIM, it became a mid-life crisis. He started dressing differently, getting hideous tattoos and drinking a lot. For about 4-5 mos. now (when the affair started) I've been suspicious of him, catching him in white lies, etc...which was always "in my head." The 1st week of Dec. we realized we needed to get on track and find a spark again, we didn't want a divorce but something needed to change. We had an awesome, intimate night together that I thought might be our eye-opener, the next night he went out drinking with friends til 4am, I was packed and gone by 8:30pm after he told me what he was doing. While I was gone he called and explained to me his drinking problem and that he had been unhappy for a while now and going to bars and Hooters (of all places) during the day a lot, and he wanted to be with the guys that night. He's sorry, wants help, blah-blah...I come home, go to work with him, he has his own business and goes multiple places throughout the day (another reason that trusting him again will be tough when I can't check up) Then I confronted him with the records, he lied, then spit out bits and pieces throughout the day of what I think is the truth. But one thing bothers me, well lots of things but...he says he TRIED to have sex with her 3 times and failed to "perform" on all occasions. I call BS. I feel he believes that it lessens the blow for me if there was no penetration. BUT like he says, he gave me so many other "juicy details" so why would he lie? And yes, the details were even worse to me than that. Another scary thing is that for some reason I had hoped to hear it was about sex, not getting it at home enough maybe, but no, he says he liked her and felt comfortable and un-judged by her. They had the same child hood (even though she was 8 when we were married!) That they became friends...this hurts worse to me. So anyway,it wasn't just Hooters that he was going to but strip clubs, one day gave her his number when she asked and the rest is history...I hope. He says he wants to work on things too but still says it was because he was sooo unhappy and that we will not work if our marriage doesn't change. AGREED but it's hard to hear ultimatums from him right now. The 1st few days after I found out he was perfect, stayed by my side for 48 hours straight! Just holding me and answering everything, we were even intimate (weird I know) But now it's starting to fade I think, I feel distant again and I know my sadness and mood swings don't help. I'm afraid I'm pushing him away, yet I feel it's his responsibility to put up with it for a while. I need help, desperately.

Paragraphs would be much appreciated.

Welcome to MB.

Things to do:

1. Both of you get STD testing ASAP. Get re-tested in 3-6 months. Use condoms until AFTER the second round of STD tests.

2. Buy the book Surviving An Affair. (see bookstore link at top of this page) Read it together. A chapter daily.

3. WH (wandering husband) writes a "no contact" letter to OW. You read/approve of the letter and send it to OW.

4. You secretly put a GPS on WH's vehicle. You also put electronic monitoring in place for his computer/smart phone.

5. You tell your grown children about the adultery. Keep to the facts. "Dad started having an affair with (give full name) who he met at (place). I discovered the A on (date). I'm not sure if I know *everything* yet, but I am willing to work on the marriage if your Dad does his part. I may have not been a perfect wife, but adultery always makes a marriage worse, never better." <~~~ Something along this line.

6. Do not (yet) tell WH about this site until after you have been keeping track of him for a month or more.

Questions?

Has he stopped all drinking 100%?

Welcome to MB.

Is OW married?

PS:

He was probably paying her.
Find out.
Put all the family money into an account only you have access to.

Pay all the bills yourself.

Do a forensic search of all your bank accounts. And the phone bills.

Whom have you exposed to?

Exposure 101