I married mt husband in April 2011 and subsequently left my job and home to move across the country to be with him. Shortly after that I saw the extent of his drinking and his propensity for hunting. I left in July of this year and traveled back across the country. I found a temp job for 4 months but now have no money left and am living with my 82 year old mother. I want to go back home and booked a flight for the 1st but now am unsure after reading everything about alcoholism. My husband and I attended counseling via Skype when apart and we were able to negotiate some of the things we agreed on. One of those is money and we agreed we would discuss any decision over $200. However he committed to letting his daughter use our credit card to put $4500 on for wedding expenses. This was after he already gave her $7000 and then the fianc� cancelled the wedding in July and they are noe replanting it for February. In addition to that he talks to his ex wife twice per week and although I don't agree with it he continues to do it because he doesn't want anyone to tell him what to do and says I din't respect his decision to continue to talk to her. The contents of the house are entirely mine and I left everything behind. I am in Al Anon and am doing my best. I can see some of my own shortcomings that contribute to the marriage....insecurity, a past history of alcoholism related relationships, running away, control. My husband also had a telephone affair with another woman and I feel very much neglected. From counseling he sees the need to spend time together and is excited about my return on Tuesday. I am now questioning my decision due to reading in the site that nothing will change if my husband is actively drinking. He had also become verbally abusive occasionally. I don't know what to do and I know no one can make up my mind for me but I would love some feedback. I am an intelligent 57 yo but find this to be one of the more difficult decisions I have had to face. Me and my husband (on a good day) are the only ones who recognize the drinking problem...not the ex wife of 27 yrs nor his children. Thanks for listening. Judy

Dr Harley says categorically that you cannot have a romantic relationship with someone who is an active alcoholic because the alcohol is more important than the relationship. You are seeing this in the rest of his (very inappropriate) behaviour too.

What about telling him that you will no longer tolerate second place and that he now has to chose between you and the alcohol. In the meantime take steps to protect yourself financially.

Serenity, you know this is a bad deal all around. First off, you can't have a marriage with a practicing alcoholic. You will always come last after alcohol and his other personal desires. The smartest thing you did in this situation was leave. Please don't damn the last years of your life to such a destructive relationship.

Have you read these?

Alcoholic Spouse #1
Alcoholic Spouse #2
Alcoholic Spouse #3
Alcohol, Abuse and Infidelity