Did your BH want the D?

It is an uncontested divorce, the terms of which he hashed out with me during recovery when he said (not for the first time) he wanted a separation. I'm just saying that it wasn't easy coming to this decision and it wasn't made in haste.

I'm so sorry.

I've been wanting to express my thanks for your sympathy for a while, now, BrainHurts.

That was a loaded question "does he want a divorce?" I would almost say of course not. Who wants what is essentially a Plan B letter? In the end, before he moved out, he left history on the computer that he was perusing an online dating site and visiting a porn site when I wasn't around (sometimes IE cookies tell a lot.). Several times he had asked me if dating during separation was a legal no-no. I always answered that neither one of us should date others during this time. I finally confronted him and said that if he wanted to date, we should divorce. He then answered "no, I was asking to see where you stood for after all, you're the one who had an affair." Anyway, he's acting single although the divorce isn't final. I'm not saying this is shocking or even wrong, but it gives me the answer I need.

A point I want to clear up for Markos is that I offered many alternatives so that I could quit my job every time there was a complaint that I could be in contact through work. Any of the solutions I could live with were dismissed and it turned out that the one and only solution he had was the one to do or else I keep my job. Many of our attempts at POJA worked out that way and then he'd complain about my "inflexibility in a few areas," as if the qualifier of "in a few areas" made it not a disrespectful judgement or not a selfish demand. Or sometimes it would be that sometimes I might be unreasonable. Unfortunately, these types of statements weren't new. I have a plethora of things I was told about myself before my affair and subsequent "recovery."

I am now dealing with my own healing and recovery including getting through my own bouts of anger. Along with this I have many times also refrained from discussing the bone I have to pick with NG about his fueling the contempt fire that I personally had to deal with daily.

I know this has already turned into a long post, but there comes a time when a person has to assess their situation and decide if waiting while doing would gain them the goal they seek. There is emotional fallout from either staying or going. And now, I am at least not being forced to put my feelings in a permanent lock box in order to "go along to get along."

LTL, I am so sorry it turned out like this, but I know you did everything in your power to make this work. hugs to you, friend.

LTL,

I really am so sorry about Your D. It is obvious you did everything you could. So sorry for your pain.

One thing I've learned is we can't control others or their actions, only ourselves.

I hope you stay around, friend.

Oh, you betcha I'll stay around! I solidly believe in the MB principles and always learn a little bit more with the posts you all provide.

Thank you very much for your concern and hugs.

I had some other limericks I never posted, and here's one of them:

To the vets of MB:
You mean so much to me.
When I am low
To you I will go
To stay ever so anchored, yet free!

You do so much good work. Bless you!

Well, it's been 4 months since I've posted on my own thread. It's been quite a journey, and it feels like an eternity and just like yesterday at the same time.

Sometimes what seems should be a short distance from A to B turns out to take years to travel. I am taking steps forward, and each one is huge, but it's like walking through molasses.

Reading about others' travels and travails, hearing them on the radio show, being able to keep in contact with the MBs staff, talking with my one friend in real life, and relying on the words of life spoken by my Savior has helped my every step. One day at a time, sometimes even one hour at a time is all I can do. And you guys are a big support to me as you help others.

Thank you.

I didn't know where to post this, so I'll put it here. On a different thread someone mentioned a TV show called the Swan. Never heard of it, but looked it up and finally found before and after pictures of the contestants. Can I say here "OMG!"?

The first picture I saw I said to myself "Well, maybe she could use a little surgery if she wanted." It turned out it was the hostess of the show! She was the ugliest person I saw out of the first 6 contestants I looked at. I couldn't look any more, I got sick.

I was looking at these women, and a few needed to drop a few pounds, and all of them could have used the talents the makeup artists used for the hostess. Their pictures were taken without makeup, and one of them with a really cute smile obviously had to have a second photo taken without a smile to make herself look ugly.

And to me, what made me the saddest and the sickest is that every one of them to me looked uglier afterwards. Their personality that showed in their faces was gone all for the sake of trying to look like the airbrushed pictures in magazines. They look like mannequins now, not people. It's got to be one of the saddest things I've seen in a long, long time.

I would say rant over, but I don't think it really is.