Thanks everyone! He just keeps saying he needs time and maybe hell trust me again! I dont know! Im surehe does resent me! Im not sure at this point there is anything i can do. He isnt open to dicussing it. Sometimes i feel like hesfallen out of love with me over this.

Reading Brainy's resentment links is a good start. It is possible to hold onto something for so long that you start punishing your spouse to cause suffering and this is what he is doing. Given that you have apologised and acknowledged the pain you have caused, he is the one who is not being honest now.

Standard MB advice for a spouse in withdrawal is to find out their top three emotional needs and start meeting them (Plan A). How much have you read here? Do you have the book His Needs Her Needs?

In addition to this.

The Three States of Mind in a Marriage

I dont have the book but i have read a good bit on here. I think it makes perfect sense because basically he was/is in withdrawl and i wasin conflict. I would constantly pick fights to try to get him to resolve this but i realized that was working and everytime i did he would say your saying all the same stuff you did and i promise to quit bringing up the same attacks but two weeks later i was doing it again.

A week after thanksgiving is the last fight i picked about pressuri g him to get over this. Since then ive really sucked up my own feelings and just tried to be as good to him as i could. Ive seen little progress one night this monthhe made me dinner! That was nice!! He went to get xmas tree with us and lunch afterwards but then days later hes withdrawn again. It seems hell have friendly days then dwithdrawn days. I think im going to focus more in his needs one of his main ones is honesty!! So ive been pretty much telling him every little detail of everything. I know he wants to be admired too and appreciated. I make sure i thank him for all tbe kind things he does do and im working on letting him know i appreciate how hard hes been working. ( my hours at work got cut so hes been puckung up OT for xmas and to help) he also has a strong desire to feel needed. So ive got some work ahead of me. But hes worth it

You need to get the book Love Busters.

Have you read this?
Love Busters

Im reading the love busters now... I feel like a total failure now but its ok i can grow and learn

It's all about educating yourself and then learning and doing from what you've learned.

I think most of us weren't educated on a fantastic, romantic marriage until we found MB.

So don't beat yourself up. Put to practice what you've learned.

Ask the board for guidance. There are a lot of very wise posters who have wonderful MB marriages.

Thanks! I wish i could get over my paranoia. If hes ever late even a few minutes i assume hes cheating. Tonight hes making something for potluck at work and i automatically think hes trying to impress someone at work and thats he cheating with someone there.

Part of this insecurity comes from the 7 mths weve been having issues because a lot of hus behavior and lack of affection are also signs of infedlity and im insecure enough to go with the worse. Hes never cheated on me and has said during this he wouldnt do that and has no interest but again he doesnt wear ring or treat me like a wife so if someone were to come along with the current state of our marriage i worry

You are right to worry but people who are depressed don't have affairs. That is something you should be worried about as he starts the recovery (now).

Time for some serious plans. How can we help?

Not sure how anyone can help Now!


Friday was pure hell! I heard hubby up earlier than normal for work and went and asked him if he was going in early and he said he was. I for whatever reason felt inclined to tell him its time for him to decide what he wants because im sick of being treated like a roomate. Well he of course was mad and accused me of starting a fight.

Nothing else transpired till i got him that evening and went to talk to him. I explained that i feel like he tells me nothing that a husband should tell a wife and i told him how bothered i was by him not wearing his ring and etc. at first ofcourse it was a battle with him being jerky and cold. He said he has no desire to do wear it and oh well. He said hes not doing anything illegal, unmoral, or against our vows! He said hes wishes id stopped talking to him about this stuff cause the only thing we need to talk about is finances and things around the house and divorce stuff.

I asked him if he still cared for me and he said NO! He said he doesnt feel like that anymore. That broke my heart and i started to cry and he got mad! He said you can cry all you want it doesnt change things its only making me mad. I said it hurt and he said you dont know what hurt is!!! He then went into how angry he was and how hes passed that but how hurt he still is over my lies. I said why in oct did you seek out help and why were you loving with me again? He said he was trying to get over it forcing himself but the problem was he felt so vunerable(he actually used that word) and that made him feel so open to getting hurt again and he cant let that happen. He told me in his whole life that i confessed my lies to him hes never felt that angry in his life. He said it scared him. He said he was actually concerned for himself and he knows he cant handle taking a chance and getting hurt again like that. He said he doesnt know what hed do.

He said right now he has no desire to reconcile hes fine with things the way they are. He said he cant say tomorrow or the next how hell feel but he has no desire for a relationship with me again. He told me its like this issue with us brought up all the hurt hes ever had and it enraged him. Thats what he said.

After he says all that he tells me about how he likes work and etc... Its confusing cause he just got done telling me we should only be discussing finances and stuff about the house. Then he tells me you want to know why im on my phone so much? Its cause im looking for ways to better my fantasy football team and i like doing that stuff now. So i shouldnt worry hes up to no good he assured me i have nothing to worry about.

Very confusing that he tells me that after hes told me he doesnt care for me. I told him i may go to my bfs in OK. He said for a visit or to stay? I said to stay! He said well just remember thats a long drive and if something happens your own your own in whatever state it happens and i cant come just fix it and im not going to be happy with someone random fixing our car! Wth does that even matter???

I think i sadly got my wakeup call here. That he doesnt care and i dont see thats there is anything i can do to open him up to me again. Ve always said id never stay with someone who doesnt love me so why do it?? I really thought he still cared and it hurts so much.

A definition of madness is doing the same thing but expecting to get a different result. You start a fight and somehow think that will that entice him out of withdrawal?

Let us know if you want help making a plan.

I know your right! It escalated the am when i tried talking to him again. I called the cops, he ended up leaving so why i def need a plan and your help i may have screwed it up beyond repair

Why did you call the police ? Did he threaten you or hit you ? Has he been violent or threatened violence with you ever ?

Hes never hit me or been violent but today he was screaming in my face and wouldnt let me out of house. It scared me thats why i called police.

You have quite a mess on your hands. You started a fight with him and when he retaliated you called the police. I am guessing that the fights are more of a problem in your relationship than the miscarriage related issues ever were. If your H is someone that hates conflict, this stuff can be devastating.

Have you bought the book Lovebusters yet?

And have you apologized to your DH?

Is he even talking to you?

I saw you started reading Love Busters. Have you read the chapters on AOs and SDs yet?

I havent bought Lb yet! Just read the live busters section on here! Ive read through it all. Hubby isnt talking to me and i havent apologized for last night or today. He said awful things too and hes lefts now so who knows when or if hell be back.

Do you think you should apologize for your half?

AK, welcome.

A few things:

Yelling and crying are now officially banned. Yelling is an AO, and crying is an SD. Crying says: 'If you don't do what I want, I will make life unpleasant for us'

If you get too emotional to negotiate properly, excuse yourself.

I would suggest making amends for your dishonesty by being very transparent. Show him your life is an open book. Don't do anything without sharing it with him and let him have access to anything he wants to see.

I would also recommend a keylogger on the computer, if that is the main avenue for him to be having an affair. Your M has been at risk for q some time because you are not in the state of intimacy. I also wouldn't trust someone who was depressed implicitly. Not just regarding faithfulness, but regarding a host of other things, I.e. Alcohol, drugs, money, gambling, unwise decisions in general or just doing something silly.

Dr H encorages snooping in a marriage and if nothing else, it will reassure you regarding his fidelity without your having AOs at him.

I agree his not wearing a ring sends out the wrong message. But I wouldn't try to force the issue when he is in withdrawal, you won't get anywhere. You can say you want it and ultimately expect it. But do so calmly and respectfully.

In the meantime you can keep an eye on dangers to your marriage by snooping.

Yes I should! It does take two