Recently had my 24th wedding anniversary just to have Tk walk out on Christmas Eve to move in with woman he had 4 year affair with, they are co-workers. I'm devestated, I knew the only way to safe my marriage was to keep him here and make it s pleasant s possible at home for him. He didn't want to be intimate with me the last 3 years as she was providing in his needs, I was trying to avoid seperation because I knew it will then be near impossible to safe the marriage, unfortuanatly he decided to go. Took all his workclothes on 23/12 to her house, came home very late that evening to make sure I'm asleep.....we both hate conflict so avoid it as much as possible...he went and slept in spare bedroom (first time in our married life) and next day when I was at work he took all his other clothes and stuff in the garage (tools etc.

The OW walked out of her 24yr marriage in 2008 when the affair started, got a divorce, bought a house in 2010 and has ever since given Tk advise how to get out of this marriage and move in with her. According to her he told her that he doesn't love me anymore. We (Tk & Ik) have been school sweethearts, known each other 28yrs. Our house has been on market since 2009 but due to economy not selling. Tk very [font:Arial][/font]materialistic and maybe OW has now given him financial freedom or showering him with gifts.

He has not contacted me at all and it breaks my heart that he is throwing everything away, first language, our 28 year memories, his culture.....for someone he has seen a few hours a day for past 4 years.

I keep praying for restration of my marriage (despite my friends telling me to move on) because I don't think any marriage beakup is in the Lord's Will.....I just don't kno how it is possible to restore if living apart

Hi rienie, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

Has the affair been exposed to everyone? Your family, friends, the workplace? It seems the odd the affair would go on this long, what did you do to kill it?

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Hit notify and ask the MODS to move your post to SAA.

Please read this and get a Plan to expose their affair. You need to kill the affair and fight for your marriage.

Since they work together, you need to do a workplace exposure.

It's all in here. Exposure 101

Hi

As far as I know not many at his workplace know , maybe a couple knows about my existance. One friend tried to talk to him in early stages and he got told by Tk to mind his own business because the affair is not intefering with his work and is his personal life that has nothing to do with work people.

They have huge turnover of staff (Prison Serv) and he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring since 2009 so all the new staff since then think the OW is Tk's partner they don't know about me. I believe thee is a ot of adultery going on at Prison they work so maybe nobody really care.....affairs seems to be the norm there

I'm scared to do the "exposure" thing, my pride is also on the line but what if Tk gets so mad at me exposing it that he never wants reconciliation? My family knows and a few close friends who is supporting me.
The OW is veey manupilative.....she told me I'm a physco and that is probably what she will tell workpeople when they start talking....

You've been keeping it secret for 4 years and it's a full blown affair. So do you think it's working for you? Don't you want to fight for your marriage?

Did you read the exposure thread?

Dr. Harley the founder of this site and a clinical psychologist who has 40+ years of experience saving marriages from infidelity. How many marriages have your friends and families saved?

Why do you want to help keep your husband's affair secret for him?

Rienie, please plan on doing a massive exposure using the strategy outlined in the exposure thread linked in my signature. Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping it a secret only serves to enable it.

Your strategy of enabling and secrecy has all but destroyed your marriage. It is the reason the affair has become so entrenched.

I read the exposure thread ...Dr Harley say this quote " While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children, and the lover's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That's because such an exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or, it might trigger an outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult to find another job."

I have to get house sold first, his salary is covering mortgage payments, mine totally insuficient. We immigrated 6 years ago so we are fairly "new" to Country and unemployment figures thru roof all over world. I also suspected OW is threatening him with something as Tk really was at point of breaking it off earlier this year......

So you're just going to sit back and let it continue?

Have you been tested for STDs?

Please read this.
Conflict Avoidance is the Kiss of Death

He moved in with OW on Christmas Eve so hopefully reality sinks in...it can't have that excitement of a affair anymore as I know about it now, so my family and close friends and Tk & OW must be really stressing trying to keep it from rest of town because she stays in small community close to their work.....the "fun" of the affair must be slowly but surely drain......

I have been reading Dr Harley's advise most of evening.....hopefully Tk comes to his senses and we can apply some of these "affair-roof" suggestions.

I have already made up my mind that when he returns he will have to court me again and go for STI and AIDS tests,.......

Reconciling a marriage after an affair requires complete cessation of contact between the affairees, and this means he'll need to leave that job anyway.

If it's a job where as you say, adultery is commonplace, it doesn't sound like a place or an industry where you want him working anyway. I'll bet exposure will be very effective for ending this affair, since both of them are probably violating empoyer policies left & right.

If you want to make a serious attempt to break up the affair & save the marriage save the marriage, there can be no question of having them continue working together. The alternative (allowing him to continue working there) is basically not much different than pimping him out for the mortgage money. It will work after a fashion -- i.e., you'll get some money, which eventually will be in the form of whatever sort of alimony the law provides where you are -- and your marriage will be gone.

Re-read what Dr. Harley has to say regarding the importance of "No contact" and how utterly crucial it is for ending an affair & recovering a marriage.

Rienie, you are missing a crucial fact about affairs: They're akin to addictions. There is actually the same brain-chemstry impact with the infatuation that comes from an affair, as with crack cocaine. Truly.

A cocaine addict is only rational insofar as he's recently had a "fix." But as soon as some time has passed since the last "fix", the craving will resume. The lucidity disappears again. Being in proximity to the "drug" (i.e., regular contact with the affair partner) will stoke this craving. And so the affair continues -- as with any addiction.

It's extremely rare for an addict to quit on his own -- whether it's alcohol, nicotine, hard drugs, or an affair. Instead, usually what's required is the intervention of an outside force which makes clear to the addict that the cost of continuing in the addiction will be greater than the pain of ending it.

In your husband's case, he needs to understand that he's going to be out of that job no matter whether he stays in the affair or not. Then he may come to grips with the fact that his alternatives are (1) to try to save his marriage, even though it means getting a new job; or (2) being at fault in a divorce, and being in an affair with an unemployed woman (because she'll be fired, too).

I know a little bit of what I'm talking about, Rienie. I had good intentions to break off my own affair about half-way through. So I know what good intentions are worth in the hands of an addict -- which is to say, they're worth next to nothing. I know exactly how well it works to try to break off an affair while remaining in regular contact with the affair partner -- which is to say, it doesn't work at all. If your strategy for ending the affair is simply to wait for him -- an addict -- to come to his senses & act rationally, then I'm afraid you're going to be waiting for a long time. Addicts act rationally only insofar as we understand that their every action is directed toward keeping the door open for their next "fix." That is the only perspective from which addicts are rational. You need to start looking at your husband from this perspective if you want to understand where he's "at" right now, mentally-speaking.

Rienie, you don't have to save this marriage -- that's entirely your choice, and no one could fault you at all for walking away. However, if you do want to try to save the marriage, then you need a better strategy than the one you're using at present -- one that's not predicated on the mistaken assumption that addicts are rational actors. You need a strategy that's not dependent on the very low probabiity that the addict will save himself.

Dr Harley recommends exposure at work - regardless - if the WS refuses to leave the job and end contact with the OP:
Your husband will have to leave his job anyway if you want to save your marriage. Your marriage will NEVER EVER recover as long as works with the OW. He has to find a new job anyway. It would be a blessing if he were fired.

In other words, you can't put the job before the marriage if you expect to save this. You won't have benefit of the job anyway when he divorces you.

Your choice is the job or the marriage. Take your pick.

rienie, it is doubtful he will ever return unless you stop enabling him. Why would he court you? He knows you have no conditions. You have demonstrated for 4 years that you will put up with anything. He knows he is in control.

Hope is not a plan.

A better plan is to expose this affair and to go into a dark Plan B. In Plan B you would send him a letter telling him your conditions and he would not be allowed back until he met them.

In your case, he would have to leave the job and end all contact with the OW FIRST. This would have to happen before he sets foot in your house. This is why it won't matter if you expose at work. If your marriage is going to ever survive, he can't work there anyway.

rieneie,

When are you planning to expose? He has moved in with OW and you're okay with that?

As long as he is around OW he gets hits off his crack pipe (OW).

Please read.
Read my lips: NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT
Conflict Avoidance is the Kiss of Death