</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Extremely Lost:
<strong> She then throws in the kicker, "you let me know who, how and when I can talk to people." This statement obviously causes me great pain and is definitely not what I want. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you are caught in the unfortunate results of bad timing. You have a past history that causes you to overreact in certain situations. Hopefully your wife has all these details. She has opposite sex friends from before you two met. Within one month of dating she became pregnant, 5 months later she moves in with you and the two of you move to a different state.

That's a lot of history for 2 people to overcome.

I would like to suggest that she gave up quite a bit to be with you (as you did to be with her). She left her home (and presumably her friends and family) while pregnant with her first child to make a life with you. That speaks of unbelievable courage and commitment on her part.

From your own accounts she has kept sporadic contact with friends back home. When you came across these e-mails that she signed 'love' it bothered you. You two discussed it and she stopped signing e-mails 'love'.

She took a trip back home and had plans to contact an opposite-sex friend. She knew this bothered you and when she came back she gave you proof that she did not contact him. And by showing you this proof she was maintaining open and honest communciation with you.

So far you're feeling good and happy about how things are going. But she's not feeling as happy. She talks to a female friend about her feelings. When you come home you ask about what the topic of conversation was. She continues in the open and honest mode and states that they were discussing how you looked at her e-mails. You were angry.

If I were your wife, here's how I'd perceive things:

1. I'm trying to be open and honest and instead I get punished.

2. I've stopped signing e-mails 'love', I hurt an old friend's feeling by not seeing him while in town, and I've agreed to limit contact to opposite-sex friends, and you're still finding reasons to be angry with me.

3. In addition to telling me you are uncomfortable with me talking to opposite-sex friends, now I cannot to same-sex friends about it.

Signs of Control and Abuse:
1. Your spouse isolates you from your family and friends (she moved to another state after only knowing you for 6 months because she was 5 months pregnant with your child).
2. Your spouse mistrusts you and invades your privacy.
3. Your spouse misconstrues what you say or assigns motives or intentions to you that are false or inaccurate.
4. Your spouse discourages you talking to people outside of his or her control.

If you really do have a problem with misplaced jealousy then start counseling with or without your wife. As for the ground-zero comments, the only way to combat them are to be consistent in your changes. She may not believe it the first 100 times you behave in the new way, but the 101st might just sway her. It's the same advice we'd give to anyone who was a wayward spouse. While you may not have had an affair, your past controlling actions may be just as egregious.

April

Thanks My Alias,

I also believe in the O&H policy. This is why I now have a dilema on when, what and how to tell my W. I do take your point and think you have written out a nice and positive way to start telling her. But, I know her and think she will push for more. This is why I think it may be appropriate to wait until I see the C next Tuesday.

I have learned something profound about me in my R with my W, but I have not learned how to deal with it yet.

Thanks for your recomendations and support.

EL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MyAlias:
<strong> EL,


Instead of thinking you should have been more O&H back then, be O&H now and share this revelation with your W. Apologize for developing a bad habit because of something that was not of her fault. Let her know you are now aware of how you developed these behaviors and that is helping you make some necessary changes. Tell her you know she isn't to blame for your 1st bad encounter and you let that experience scar you in your R with her. Even if she isn't all that thrilled with your revelation it has got to hit home to her that you are digging deep to find what it is that makes/made you behave so improperly.

Just my 2 cents. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Another way to show your wife that you are really changing is to show her your thought patterns. I would definitely share this new insight with her. Even if nothing comes of it right now she might start taking a look at the past and start realizing how this one (although very major) event shaped the marriage you two now have.

April

Dear Roanward,

Thanks for your input it does show me things in a different light. I would like to make one small clarification (do not know if it matters or not). In my other posts I go into more details. Basically, she did not stop signing "Love" until three weeks ago (four years).

I do take your point on how corageous my W is. She is truly someone special that I admire and respect (although my actions have not shown her this). I am not making excuses for my behavior because I really think there is no-excuse for treating someone you love like this. I can say that I did not see how I was treating her until a month ago or so. I really am sorry and ashamed at how I have so obviously hurt my W, the person I care most about in this World.

Now I just do not want to push her further away by continuously trying to work on things. I am going to continuosly work on things with her, but as of now it pushes her away and she does not seem open to real communication yet.

It is not easy to realize you have actually been hurting the one you thought you were loving. I feel quite stupid to tell you the truth.

Thanks for your Eye-opening post.

EL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But, I know her and think she will push for more. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yea, I can see you are almost in a Catch-22. She doesn't trust you and feels attacked and/or that you are trying to control her. No matter how you try to approach her.

Well just stay the course my friend. Lose all those qualities that have caused her to put up her walls. Slowly your diligence in being the kind of man she desires will begin to bring those walls down. It's probably going to take some time for her to TRUST you're changing and even longer for her to admit to you that you're changing and then even more time for her to TRUST you to allow herself to leave herself unprotected.

You hold the key to your success. Keep doing positive things (openness, honesty, trusting, patience, caring) and you will be rewarded.

Dear Roanward,

I am in C to work on myself. My issue is that I think it is smarter for me to wait one week and speak to the C again before laying this on my W because I do no think we can have a proper communication about this without her filling in blanks and our conversation spiraling out of control.

I am not thinking of keeping anything from my W. I will never be dishonest with her. I just think that the consideration of timing is important to not set us back further.

Thanks for your insights.

EL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Extremely Lost:
<strong> Dear Roanward,

Thanks for your input it does show me things in a different light. I would like to make one small clarification (do not know if it matters or not). In my other posts I go into more details. Basically, she did not stop signing "Love" until three weeks ago (four years). </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I apologize. I thought you just found out recently that she was signing e-mails with 'Love' and only recently told her that it bothered you. I didn't realize this was something you've been asking for 4 years and she only recently responded.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Extremely Lost:
<strong>
I do take your point on how corageous my W is. She is truly someone special that I admire and respect (although my actions have not shown her this). I am not making excuses for my behavior because I really think there is no-excuse for treating someone you love like this. I can say that I did not see how I was treating her until a month ago or so. I really am sorry and ashamed at how I have so obviously hurt my W, the person I care most about in this World.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you also deserve recognition on how courageous you've been. Despite your past you readily took on a new wife and child. Although you had past issues that were interfering, it was a very brave thing to do. There are other men who would have simply vanished. Give yourself credit where it's due and work on the problems you have discovered.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Extremely Lost:
<strong>

Now I just do not want to push her further away by continuously trying to work on things. I am going to continuosly work on things with her, but as of now it pushes her away and she does not seem open to real communication yet. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Althought it's very difficult the best thing you can do it make changes to make yourself a better person without requiring your wife to make changes or asking your wife to notice. Trust me, she will eventually notice in her own time. Just know that the changes you are making will make you a better person and a better husband. Take solace in that until your wife learns to trust the changes you've made and can give you the acknowledgement you want.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Extremely Lost:
<strong>

It is not easy to realize you have actually been hurting the one you thought you were loving. I feel quite stupid to tell you the truth.

Thanks for your Eye-opening post.

EL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We've all been there. You know your are indeed a good person by how you react to this new information. Instead of burying your head in the sand you are working hard to overcome these issues. That's the best anyone can ask of themselves.

April

April,

Are you an old MBer who just created a new sign on?

You seem very experienced in relationships. Also your signature name sounds very familiar.

Smile posted this and you might just look at it and try some of the things. It would be a change anyway. And change is sometimes good!

The 180 list.


1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes her feelings stronger).
24. Be patient.
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep the following in mind...one of our veterans posted this and I think it is an important thing to think about as you try to incorporate some of the things in this list.


quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where did this "180 list" come from?
Most people here discussing it seem to think they should go through & check them off and do them.
That is not what the 180 is all about.
Michele Weiner Davis says if what you are doing is not having the (desired) affect, then do the opposite.
For example, on the "list" going around here, it says to not schedule dates.
If the dates are going good, then you should continue to do them. And this is what MIchele says.
If they are going bad, do a 180 and stop them.
Likewise, if you are NOT scheduling dates and the relationship is going badly, then schedule dates. This is a 180 and this is what Michele says to do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Extremely Lost:
<strong>I do take your point and think you have written out a nice and positive way to start telling her. But, I know her and think she will push for more. This is why I think it may be appropriate to wait until I see the C next Tuesday.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To me, this is a cop out. I suggest you tell her. That is clearly the correct thing to do. It rarely helps to refrain from doing the correct thing out of fear of your spouse's reaction. Their reaction is their problem.

If you offer 100% of what you can. And that is not enough for your spouse. Then that is THEIR problem. You have done your best.

Of course, if you fear your spouse's reaction might be physical or mental abuse, then perhaps discretion is the better part of valor. But I am assuming those are not an issue here.

If it is merely easier and more comfortable to raise difficult issues in front of the MC, then I suggest you NOT wait for the session. That way, the MC can focus on what you did and how your wife reacted. Instead of getting side tracked on why you waited to raise the issue.

I used to do what you suggest. For years. Didn't complain to my wife at home. Waited until the MC sessions. Didn't press my wife to do our homework while at home. Waited until the MC session to "gloat" to the MC that my wife was uncooperative. I was trying to avoid conflict at home. And score points with the MC. Was totally unproductive. Our marriage never progressed. Please learn from my mistakes.

If you are unhappy about something, tell your wife as soon as possible. If she reacts poorly, explain how you feel about her reaction. Right then and there. Don't LB. But don't keep your negative feelings to yourself. That way, you can spend the MC sessions discussing your conflict resolution skills. Instead of discussing why you keep avoiding conflict.

Contrary to popular belief, MC is not designed to teach you how to AVOID conflict. It is designed to teach you how to RESOLVE conflict. If you never permit conflict to arise outside the MC sessions, there won't be much to work with during the sessions. You won't get many opportunities to work on your conflict resolution skills during a 50 minute session. And progress, if any, will be painfully slow. You need to use the other 167 hours per week to practice what you learn during MC.

Final thought for today: You will never see change unless you give your spouse an opportunity to show you they have changed.

<small>[ May 25, 2004, 07:49 PM: Message edited by: holdingontoit ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MyAlias:
<strong> April,

Are you an old MBer who just created a new sign on?

You seem very experienced in relationships. Also your signature name sounds very familiar. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've been on and off the MB forums for several years now. I use to go by Roanaward but can't find my old password.

I come back to freshen up my MB skills whenever I feel overwhelmed in my relationship.

April

E L,
Sounds like you are finding out a little more about yourself. FABULOUS.

I do agree that you should tell your W about your new thoughts. I also think you should do that when you are ready. You are in a very volatile spot right now. I think you need to go with your gut. Don't pressure yourself about when and how to tell her. Make a plan to tell her in MC next week. It's a safe place and the C can direct the convo and keep it from getting heated. It's a good way to make sure that something good comes from your revelation about yourself. That will take some of the pressure of you about it. It may be possible that in removing the pressure to tell her NOW you may in fact be able to actually see a good opportunity to talk to her before MC. If so, great. If not, you are ready to do it then.

Go with your gut. You know the situation. You know what would be the best thing to do.
Symphony

EL,

Didn't you say your W isn't going to C with you?

If that is the case then I think you should think seriously about what HOLD told you. I'm like you. I avoid the tough conversations with my W because I fear reprecussions. Yet I truly cannot know what her reactions are going to be. I can't automatically assume how she's going to react. I need to give her the opportunity to assist in moving our R forward with open, honest, caring and respectful conversation.

As HOLD said her reaction is her problem. Don't let threats like 'going back to ground zero' manipulate you. She might not be doing it consciously but that is what a statement/threat like that is. When she tries this approach you tell her that that's not acceptable. You are working to change and part of the change is going to be difficult. Because it is going to be difficult she can't back out of the conversation with manipulative statements like that. You two are going to have to open some wounds to MOVE THROUGH the issues. Just do it respectfully.

Think about this. You're afraid to talk to her about sensitive subjects. You're afraid to tell her how you perceived her in the past. Your perceptions were wrong. WHY SHOULD SHE GET MAD ABOUT THAT? You are admitting to your guilt in acting/thinking in a way that wasn't WORKING in your R. Sure it might be more ammunition for her but if she wants this R to work she has to be able to forgive you for past mistakes. You are communicating that you are now aware of those behaviors and are doing what you can to eliminate them. AND REMEMBER SHE GETS ANGRY WHEN SHE FEELS YOU ARE BEING JEALOUS AND CONTROLLING. This latest revelation of yours isn't a way of trying to control her. In fact it is your admission that you are now going to try to do just the opposite. That you are now going to trust her and give her the FREEDOM she deserves.

Don't replace one bad habit for another!!!

PS: I'm fortunate in that my W and I are both doing IC and MC. So now I'm having those tough conversations that I normally would have avoided.

<small>[ May 26, 2004, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: MyAlias ]</small>

E L,
I just read MyAlias's post. Now that I think about it, my H is always afraid to talk to me and I usually find out that he has already figured out what I will say or how I will react. Usually he is WAY off base. The reactions he has conjured up are from this raving bit**. I have no idea who she is but she lives in my H's head disguised as me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Try not to decide for her how she will react. Concentrate on yourself and what you need to say. Decide how you are going to react. Let her decide how she reacts and then you go from there.

Best,
Symphony

Thanks everyone for your support, thoughts and recomendations. I would like to say that telling my W was never a question in my mind. My issue is that I have started to come to the realizations of my own issues and how they have effected my M only over the last month. During this last month, I have found MB, bought four books, read two so far, went to counseling three times. I have tried to practice MBing at home constantly as well as trying to communicate constantly about our M with my W. I have also asked her to read the books and do the surveys (although she is reluctant). I think it has been a bit much for her because after four years of how it was, I have now managed to drudge it all up in the hopes of solving it in a matter of one month.

I believe that my W is in a self-protection mode (withrdrawn a bit). She has mentioned that it bothers her that I try to discuss things whenever we are alone (what seems to her to be all the time). I have mentioned her communication stopping sentences she has used this last month. My W says she is open to MC but I need to go to IC for a little first to work on my issues. Wether I feel this is a cop out or not, it does not matter. I am trying to listen to her and what she needs. If she needs me to go to IC first to make her comfortable with MC than so be it.

I think that what I figured out yesterday is huge, but I figured it out after I left the C. The C obviously has a direction she is pushing me towards. Therefore, I thought it might be a bit premature to bring these things up to my W this week. I will see the C this coming Tuesday.

Believe me, I am huge on the communicate your thoughts and feelings as they happen and do not let them fester. If I were to use BABA2's recommendation of doing the opposite to how I have done things in the past, then waiting and seeing the C is what I should do. However, I do not want you guys thinking I am not being O&H with W. I always try to be O&H with W, this time it is just a timing thing for the greater good of M and recovery.

Last week (two C sessions ago) my W called me 3 minutes after my appointment and asked me how it went. This was totally out of character for her. Usually she would wait for me to bring it up in the evening and then she will say "so how was it?" After yesterday's appointment, she did not call or ask all day or night. I think she is waiting for me to bring it up, but her calling me the week before was truly endearing and showed me that she was thinking of me. It is out of character for me to not run home and spill my guts about the C the same night. However, I am trying to not bring things up all the time and just try and have fun together some of the times. I am trying to not maintain too much pressure on our solving things ALL THE TIME.

Another issue is that I am so honest with my W that I would not be able to skirt around the issue as My Alias so eloquently (sp?) put it yesterday. I would end up saying that my mistrust in her began when she called me to tell me she was pregnant, which was about a week after we first slept togehter. I did not think you could figure out you are pregnant in this short of time. Couple this with her comments about screwing up her birth control pills and it started me wondering if I was the father based upon my past. Now deep down I had to have still trusted her to be able to accept things and move on, but as I look back from that moment forwards, I realize that all of my efforts (jealousy, control, mistrust) were all geared towards somehow validating her to me and that her baby was my baby. This is something huge to dump on her after the month that we have just had. I think it is totally reasonable to get the opinion of the C before I move forward and drop this bomb.

Symphony, I completely understand what you are saying about someone seeming to have an argument in their head with an imaginary you and then treating you as if you and their imaginary friend are one. Where you are slightly off is that this is my W not me. I have brought this up to her a number of times and she has seen and admitted to it on occassion. It is obvious to me that she is trying to fill in blanks, but has gotten into the mode of desiring to fill in the blanks instead of letting me fill in the blanks for her. The difference here is that I am completely willing to fill in those blanks given half a chance.

I thank all of you for your support.

EL

EL,

It sounds like you have a plan that you think will work for you. You know your W better than anybody. So after you've carefully weighed our opinions I think it is great you feel you know how to move forward.

Good luck and keep us up to date with your progress.

I read this twice and thought it might help you. I can give you the source of the writings if you like. It is a facinating website.

Good Luck, Baba.

***************
Honesty & Responsibility


I was recently reading a magazine article by a popular author on the subject of self-evolution. He made some good points about honesty and then I came to what he had to say about responsibility. He started off well but I soon came to a section that set off some alarm bells.

The piece that caught my eye concerned a statement that responsibility means "... to do what it takes to remedy whatever can be remedied should others choose to experience the outcome as damaging in any way." The alarm bells were ringing for number of reasons, as I discovered, when I started to consider why.

My mind flicked to the Christian Bible and to how Jesus chased the money lenders from the temple. I thought too of how he had constantly chastised and lambasted the pharisees. I have no doubt that all these people experienced these situations as highly damaging! Yet nowhere is Jesus reported as going around after these events saying "there, there chaps. Don't worry. I didn't mean it personally. Let me make it better for you!"

Certainly, the first point to bear in mind when we're talking about exercising honesty is that we do indeed have responsibility to ensure that we are understood as clearly as possible -- that we get our message across with clarity.
We also have responsibility in relation to our motives. Honesty can be brutal, and our use of it must always been backed up with the sincere desire to uplift, and not to destroy. We need to remember that words must be used with care, for, once uttered, they can never be taken back.

But once we abide by these two guidelines and are being as impeccable as possible, then we cannot and should not undertake to fix up however the other person experiences what we have said. Although we can and should take responsibility for how we treat others, we cannot take responsibility for how other people choose to experience whatever happens in their lives. This type of intervention is not only demeaning, but also contravenes the whole concept of freedom.

A wise person once said "the cup of truth is bitter indeed, but if we drain it we find in its dregs the seeds of our strength."

Applying the same principles to our own lives is incredibly empowering and liberating. I know from my own experience that having something "negative" pointed out to me by an honest person can be very painful, but without such people I would never have come to see my own behavior for what it is. However, if the person then tries to make it better, I always feel patronised and diminished. In fact, I end up feeling worse, rather than better. So, whenever you need to say something to someone, make them big enough to accept your truth -- don't condescend to make them small. It almost always takes another person to point out our shortcomings, and in time, we learn to thank them for this. Once we have seen our shortcomings, we can start to address them, to transmute them and so achieve our freedom from our behavior.

In addressing our shortcomings we are always alone. It can be bleak indeed to look into the mirror of justice, but so much strength, power and self-confidence comes about when we have faced that inner battle on our own.

If we try to fix the situation, we also contravene the principle of individual responsibility, which is expressed through the interrelationship of all life. This basically means that if I have a "bad" experience, instead of rushing around blaming other people, I first ask "why did I attract that experience into my life?" This is because I, and I alone, am responsible for how I choose to experience what happens in my life. If I experience it negatively, then I must deal with that. In doing so, I always keep in mind another principle, namely, "I am never given a challenge that I cannot handle." Therefore I know I must be able to handle it, no matter how bleak things may appear to be.

However, we can see so clearly how individual responsibility, and consequently, individual belief in self, have become eroded in the world today, and especially in more developed countries where, if anything negative happens, people simply reach for their lawyers, to sue the pants off the other person.

The result of this is a generation of people -- and especially men -- who have a great deal of good will, high ideals and lofty talk, but very little strength and commitment to translate these into any meaningful action.

At the end of the day true responsibility means "the ability to respond to life." And this only comes about by developing the openness of heart that enables one to embrace all of life fully. But such openness itself can only come about through the strength that is borne of meeting one's challenges honestly and fully, rather than throwing the burden onto someone else's shoulders.

by Charles Mitchley
Scholar to Theun Mares.

Thanks My Alias,

Maybe things are turning around slowly. My W just showed up at my work to offer to take my car in for an oil change and bring it back to me. She also asked if we could go for lunch today. She has not come to my work and went to lunch with me in a while. I think it is a positive sign, but a small one. We'll see how this goes.

Thanks,

EL

WOW,

To me that is a positive sign. Moreso a positive behavior your W has. This is definitely not the action of a woman that is withdrawing but rather reaching out to you.

It might be a good idea to let her know how her actions make you feel. I know I'm thrilled when my W does things like that for me and I let her know it.

Baba2 - Thanks for the quote.

MyAlias,

Back from lunch, it went pretty well. You are right, she does seem to be reaching out, but I think it is the same thing as MB says. She is reaching out in a way that probably means more to her than it does to me, instead of understanding what would mean more to me. Does this make sense. Does this sound selfish?

I truly am over the moon by her efforts. Believe me this does make me feel really good because it is a positive sign. I just wish I could see her reading one of the MB books or volunteer to go to counseling, or even ask me about how my counseling went. I am trying not to diminish what she has done.

I am happy for small things right now, so I guess I should just be quiet and be happy.

Thanks to all for their support,

EL