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AK, welcome.
A few things:
Yelling and crying are now officially banned. Yelling is an AO, and crying is an SD. Crying says: 'If you don't do what I want, I will make life unpleasant for us'
If you get too emotional to negotiate properly, excuse yourself.
I would suggest making amends for your dishonesty by being very transparent. Show him your life is an open book. Don't do anything without sharing it with him and let him have access to anything he wants to see.
I would also recommend a keylogger on the computer, if that is the main avenue for him to be having an affair. Your M has been at risk for q some time because you are not in the state of intimacy. I also wouldn't trust someone who was depressed implicitly. Not just regarding faithfulness, but regarding a host of other things, I.e. Alcohol, drugs, money, gambling, unwise decisions in general or just doing something silly.
Dr H encorages snooping in a marriage and if nothing else, it will reassure you regarding his fidelity without your having AOs at him.
I agree his not wearing a ring sends out the wrong message. But I wouldn't try to force the issue when he is in withdrawal, you won't get anywhere. You can say you want it and ultimately expect it. But do so calmly and respectfully.
In the meantime you can keep an eye on dangers to your marriage by snooping. I have snooped but havent found anything yet. I gone by his work when hes there doing OT too but thus far hes been honest. He uses his cell phone a TON and i have no idea what hes doing on that. I do look at bill and usage and have not found anything there either. Ive looked through his wallet too but nothing. He is home all thetime and doesnt go anywhere but to and from work except today ofcourse when the cops told him to leave. Also as far as money goes he uses our bank card for everything and doesnt spend much at all and i check receipts. I think what first got me insecure was we were soooo close and open and i had all his passwords and likewise! The instant i confessed my lies he closed me off and took off his ring, which he knows hurts me.
Me- 34
Dh-32
Dd-12(my bio daughter)
Married 8/6/05
Together since 2/14/2002
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He uses his cell phone a TON and i have no idea what hes doing on that. Install spyware on the phone too, then. As I said, a non intimate marriage is at high risk for an affair. But you can nip anything in the bud when you have your eyes open. Plus depressed people are vulnerable to a number of influences and bad choices. Keep an eye on him. And if nothing is to be seen, after covering all bases it will reassure you and keep you calm. The fact you got angry and jealous is in large part due to the fact you feel kept in the dark
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Not sure i could get my hands on his phone. He left and i feel like its over. I feel like ill never see him again and knowing him hell come get the rest of his stuff when im not here. Im so sad but i know its for the best that he and i cool off. I just didnt think it would feel like its over. He left his ring for me on my nightstand so i guess thats his last little message to me thats its over
Me- 34
Dh-32
Dd-12(my bio daughter)
Married 8/6/05
Together since 2/14/2002
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Even if your marriage cannot be saved, you can learn about MB so that you do things differently next time.
Can you see how the two of you got into a death spiral with each hurting the other just a little bit more until he eventually jumped off the metaphorical cliff? You aren't the first and I guarantee you will not be the last. Most of us here have first hand experience of the dance of death. The problem is that, in a marriage, we uniquely know one anothers vulnerabilities and so have the ability to hurt each other to an unimaginable degree. Sadly, for most of us this is done in front of our children too so damage on damage.
As you learn MB, you will see how you can change the dynamic, step out of the death spiral and restore romance. Often the catalyst for change is the shock of infidelity but there are others on this forum who have managed to turn things around just by deciding that they are unhappy enough to leave if things cannot be changed. I fear that is where your DH is now.
Once you know how it should be done, you should write to him. Let us help you with a letter that allows him to see you taking ownership of everything you did in a way that gives him a chance to see that you could create a marriage better and stronger than the one you had before the death spiral began.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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I really dont feel or think hes cheating. I think hes holding on to anger from my lies and hes doing these things to hurt me. He even made a comment yesterday when i was telling him how his actions hurt me he said oh your hurt? Hows it feel to be hurt so deeply by your spouse and say no say? Then he said now you finally know how it feels
Me- 34
Dh-32
Dd-12(my bio daughter)
Married 8/6/05
Together since 2/14/2002
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Yes, that is exactly the death spiral I am referring to. Each one of you is trying to do more damage to the other than was done to you and it keeps escalating. Your hot button is infidelity so this is what he is acting out. His hot button is conflict and so you are . . .
You have to decide not to continue this. It is within your control. Whether he comes back and joins you on the journey will depend largely on how convinced he is that the dynamic has truly changed.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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I def dont want to do this anymore. But the reason i started conflict was because i felt like he wasnt giving me any signs he was still in marriage and i wanted some reassurance. I would if given him more time if i just had reassurance he was in this marriage still. He said he got sick of me pressuring him and it was pushing him away. The cop told him it sounded to him like he had one foot in the door and one foot out and husband agreed.
I just couldnt deal with a marriage with nothing. I needed something to go off of and he said he could give me that right nowcause he was too hurt to open himself up to me. He wasnt willing to give and i wasnt willing to do w/o
Me- 34
Dh-32
Dd-12(my bio daughter)
Married 8/6/05
Together since 2/14/2002
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Alliekat, you are only human, we all are. All of us made tons and tons of mistakes. Don't beat yourself up. DH knew exactly how to put the knife in and he did.
But you have been given terrific advice here on how to protect yourself against infidelity by snooping not interrogating. Dr Harley says we should never trust our spouses and I can tell you from experience that he is dead on with that advice. If DH returns, you will have the tools and support here that will allow you to be totally sure he is not cheating.
For now use this time to focus on learning about how to have a great marriage. Read the materials, listen to the radio shows, get the books and get smart!
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Still no word or sign of husband! Does this mean typically its over or he just needs time away. It feels bad
Me- 34
Dh-32
Dd-12(my bio daughter)
Married 8/6/05
Together since 2/14/2002
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Same advice as yesterday. Start learning about MB. When you understand, we will help you write a Joseph's letter to him. Have you ordered the books yet?
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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I havent ordered them yet, because im afraid to spend any money on anything that isnt a food or bills for fear if he doesnt come back ill be struggling just to stay in house and get by :-/
Me- 34
Dh-32
Dd-12(my bio daughter)
Married 8/6/05
Together since 2/14/2002
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I havent ordered them yet, because im afraid to spend any money on anything that isnt a food or bills for fear if he doesnt come back ill be struggling just to stay in house and get by :-/ Have you gone to the library?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I havent but that I can do. Hadnt even thought if that!! Thank you! :-)
Me- 34
Dh-32
Dd-12(my bio daughter)
Married 8/6/05
Together since 2/14/2002
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I havent but that I can do. Hadnt even thought if that!! Thank you! :-) Let us know if you have questions.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Im going to check out library tomorrow. My only question is how do i resist the urge to contact him via text or phone. I miss him and im scared hell never come back. Also what is a joseph letter?
Me- 34
Dh-32
Dd-12(my bio daughter)
Married 8/6/05
Together since 2/14/2002
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Im going to check out library tomorrow. My only question is how do i resist the urge to contact him via text or phone. I miss him and im scared hell never come back. Also what is a joseph letter? You still haven't contacted him to apologize? Here. Joseph's Letter *a Must Read for all Betrayed*
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 40
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No i figured since he left he needed time and id let him be. Should i call him?? I told him he could come back that night infront of the cop but he hasnt and i dont want to be pushy. He knows i want to reconcile he isnt sure so i figured the ball isin his court
Last edited by Alliekat; 01/01/13 05:25 PM.
Me- 34
Dh-32
Dd-12(my bio daughter)
Married 8/6/05
Together since 2/14/2002
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
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No i figured since he left he needed time and id let him be. Should i call him?? I told him he could come back that night infront of the cop but he hasnt and i dont want to be pushy. He knows i want to reconcile he isnt sure so i figured the ball isin his court Yes you need to. The cops were called on him and he is being smart and safe because he doesn't know what else you will do. He doesn't feel safe. How would you feel if you were in his shoes? You both didn't handle it correct.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 40
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I wasnt sure if i had posted that he had called me named and that he wouldnt let me out of the house thats why i called cops
Me- 34
Dh-32
Dd-12(my bio daughter)
Married 8/6/05
Together since 2/14/2002
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
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I wasnt sure if i had posted that he had called me named and that he wouldnt let me out of the house thats why i called cops Do you have conditions for the both of you? Do either of you need anger mgmt? Anger Mgmt 101
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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