teetering, I get the feeling that you are only here to get validation for your demonization of your husband. But you won't find that here. Your husband has done nothing wrong.

If you are here to resolve your marriage problems we can help you with that, but demonizing your husband will not solve your problems.

I'm sorry, I don't agree with you Melody. Although, I do respect and appreciate your opinion. My anger is at his sneaky behavior and his reactions to my disclosures(cursing, throwing things at me, telling me to never again speak to people I've known my entire life, hiding things from me about himself and expecting to know everything about me). I don't need anything else to be angry at. He was like this long before we even met in person and before we were dating. If my reaction makes him suspicious and this is the reason upon the reason that he has for doing what he does, then that will have to be. I will never feel comfortable about a man sneaking up behind me and digging in my pockets. This is a relationship between two adults. I don't see it as my role to appease him without anything in return. I don't believe in unconditional love.

But you don't have that, do you? If the absence of keyloggers, tracking devices creates a secure, "mature" relationship between equals, why do you not have that? Rather, you have a relationship that has no trust because you are both keeping secrets.

See, the people who are posting to you have happy, secure, intimate marriages. Are you here to get solutions for your marriage problems or are you just here to gripe about your marriage?

My husband has done something wrong within our marriage because there are two of us and one of us believes so. That you would find his behavior acceptable is fine, but he is married to me and I set the boundaries of acceptability within our marital contract just as well as he does.

And yes, I would appreciate some validation. He has violated my trust and continues to do so. I would like to love him, but it is becoming difficult to stomach him.

But you *ARE* sneaky. His snooping is productive and healthy to your marriage; your sneaking and your resistance to his snooping is unhealthy. Of course his angry outbursts are not healthy, but that does not mean that your secret behavior on the internet is healthy. He has a right to know everything you do. And your FURY [read the title of the thread!!] about that is a HUGE RED FLAG.

And you can disagree with me all you want, but I will point out that your best thinking has led you to this terrible place. You have NO IDEA how to have a intimate, healthy marriage. Your marriage is TERRIBLE and you can't blame that on your husband.

We can help you with that if you will listen. But you will have to take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth.

You have BOTH done alot wrong. Do you want help with that or are you just here to b*tch about your husband?

Are you married?

If so, how long?

Any children?

Have either of you had any affairs?

I'm under no illusions. I do not believe it is the absence of those devices that creates a secure marriage. Rather, I believe, it's two, secure, mature people, who do. There are many secure couples who don't track each other. I have been blessed to witness happy marriages throughout my life that existed before the time of personal private eyeing. I have specifically stated that I am not keeping secrets from my husband. I'm not sure what you are meaning when you say we both are. When someone says that they do not want to know something, how does one respectfully go about telling them anyway?

We have been together 12 years, married 8 with two children. And no physical affairs that I'm aware of. No emotional affairs on my part, but he crossed the line with this godsister of his and a couple of other women as far as I'm concerned. Nothing that he fully admits to and I'm ok with what he has told me, so long as it's actually true.

How is his snooping healthy if it inspires to me up and leave with our children? How is it healthy if I causes me to feel insecure, leaving both of us side eyeing each other?

Apparently I was correct when I made the observation that you are just here to get validation for the demonization of your husband and not here to resolve your marriage problems?

Ok, can we all agree that your husband is Satan incarnate and move on from that point?

Would you like to have a better marriage with satan? If so, we can help you with that.

It is your REACTION that is unhealthy. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. You are hiding something. Apparently, it is so important that you would destroy your children's lives over it.

Allowing your husband to snoop to PROVE your trustworthiness does not make one "insecure" unless they are hiding something.

Haha....Hey, that's really all I was getting at and I'm glad we've reached a point of true agreement. I feel alive again.

I actually believe my husband is an OK guy, but I've come to believe that he's just not OK with me. It's a terrible feeling to live with, and I'd like to convince myself differently, but then I wonder why I'd like to do such a thing. Like I said, it's very hard for me to like him, and really, it always has been.

He's had my passwords to everything I'm on for years now. I leave my accounts open. It's been years. I've no doubt he keylogs our phone and GPS tracks me and probably has spy gear staring me back in my face through a small hole that he drilled in our bedroom wall unbeknownst to me as I unsuspectingly slept like a baby. I have nothing to hide from him, and never have and still don't. But I will certainly leave him to maintain my dignity and self respect. I don't value marriage or him so much as to allow this much longer. One of us has to change.

He's been getting his way for years. Now what? Where's the point where I realize this is all fabulous and love him for the great person that I'm sure he is, but just can't manage to reveal? UGH! Hostile again....I'm trying though.[b][/b]At what point does he wake up a realize that I've never and would never cheat on him and stop the spying and paranoia and focus on realizing an actual relationship based on love and respect and growth? I have done nothing to him to deserve his suspicions. He would likely tell you the same as he has told me that he does trust me, just not people in general. And yet, this is something I'm to happily endure. I don't see the rationale. If something burns your spouse to pieces, you probably ought not do it, yes?

Teetering, let's approach this from a different perspective.

GIVEN that your husband is, let's say, insecure about your internet usage, what would you have him do, if not monitor your activities. (Yes, it might be nice to have some pixie dust sprinkled on him to remove that particular element of his psyche that you find invasive, but we're talking real-world here, so let's move on.)

Would you have him resentfully cease, cowing in the face of your displeasure?

Would you have him reluctantly stop, unconvinced of the wisdom, but choosing to yield rather than risk alienating you?

Either way would entail a sacrifice on his part (of a security item he NEEDS). The fastest way to start a downward spiral of a marriage would be through having a spouse feel that he is unfairly sacrificing his needs for the needs of his spouse.

I'm not even going to ask you, I'm going to tell you: You do NOT want that process to commence.

I just had a minor unintentional "snoop" by my bride, and she raised a concern about something (on this SITE, of all places) that I was doing. It brought me a sense of pride that after almost forty years of marriage, my bride thought enough of the reason for my actions, that she asked me to explain.

It might help you to understand that in protecting your marriage (maybe without cause), you husband is doing what he can to ensure your children's optimal future. Perhaps your acquiescence might be more palatable couched in terms of your cooperating in that endeavor.

Thats great! As long as you understand and accept that there is no such thing as a right to privacy in marriage. I would stop with the hostility and ask him to tell you what you can do to help him trust you. You want to be trusted? Then ask him what you can do to help him feel more trusting. Reacting with hostility and disrespect only INSPIRES distrust.


Do you want help repairing your marriage or not? We can help you with this, but I am not going to waste my valuable time here if you are not serious.

What I would have him do is reciprocate. If his concern is for our children, then his concern must also be for their primary caretaker. If we are to be open, then let's be open. That means US, not me. As in, his passwords are mine, his accounts are open, etc...This is the only thing I could see as being just. He has vehemently disagreed with this proposal. In a strange twist of irony(not really), he doesn't want to be tracked either! The difference is, he doesn't acquiesce, because frankly, it's just not about securing his family or ensuring our family stays afloat. That's my role. He wants his privacy-demands it actually. As I said previously, he prides himself on being a private person, a detached person. I much prefer intimacy. And so the tables are oddly turned in which I am defensively protecting my sense of self from a person who does not trust, and does not care to be trusted. It's crazy making, which I why I'm having trouble wrapping my head around making this a lifelong ordeal.

When we were dating, my husband asked me all about my fantasies and dreams and what not, and naively I thought it was because he was interested in knowing. Perhaps he was. But there was a part of him that seemed to see that vulnerability as a target to be shot at, and shoot he did. For years he would coax me into opening up to him, only to immediately shoot me in the face with hateful language designed to lower my self esteem and question who I was. Naively, I persisted in letting him all the way in, but he has kept me at bay. This seems to be an issue of power and control for him, and I don't know how to maneuver around it or frame it differently.

Also, it is not simply internet usage. I went into work for a couple of months when I was pregnant last and he began the same infidelity accusations that he used to give me when we were dating. So really, this is a general issue of insecurity, rather than internet usage. The issue is the internet right now, only because we work from home and get little real time contact with people.

I see his secrecy as a huge red flag too. What is he doing that he wants to hide? I would put a keylogger on his computer and see what he is doing.

Did you see my questions above? Can you please answer?

Well, the FB chatting is likely one thing, the incessant calling to the godsister and and what not. I don't doubt emotional affairs and physical ones wouldn't blow my mind in surprise because I feel as though he has boundary issues. I don't know and have never desired to track him although I know he lies regularly. Playing detective is not my game and holds no appeal. I just want honesty. I may not have seen your questions. Which are you referring?

Hey there teetering. I am sorry that you have had reason to be here. But, I am glad you found MB. You will not find a nicer or more capable group of people to help and guide you. At first, you will "hear" things that will anger you or make you feel defensive. What we eventually all realize, is there was truth to it. It is actually a very good feeling to realize that things you were doing, that you thought were ok, were actually lovebusters or were hurting your marriage.

I do get by what you are writing that your H is not playing by the same rules of "honesty." The problem is that you can't MAKE him do anything differently. You BOTH have to make the changes necessary to bring about positive behaviors to correct the problems. MelodyLane is one of the best here to help you do that.

Just like ML says there is no such thing as privacy in marriage. Really, there needs to be transparency on both parts for both people in the relationship to feel the security. It seems that your husbands need for "privacy" is really secrecy. There is a huge difference. Things have a way of hiding behind secrecy.

Please accept the fact that it took two of you to create these issues. You may be right in everything that you say, but I also know that you are also doing things that you might not even realize, that are bringing certain insecure responses from your H. Are you willing to face your own mistakes and lovebusters? It is hard to face at first, but actually very empowering once you realize that you can make changes to help make things better.

Stick around teetering, you will get the absolute best advice and guidance here!!!