mel--

I don't think so. I think my marriage is in the can and I'm well aware and ok acknowledging that, and my relationship with my husband has always been unfortunate. We've come out a bit. Overtime we've learned to live together in a way that's got more good times than bad; and yet, intimacy and equality remain issues between us and there are variety of ways in which the problem displays itself between us.

I place my anger squarely on him and rarely hold back unless we're in the company of others or our children. I write letters and express myself verbally as well, whatever it takes. I don't have any trouble telling him how I feel and what I think. I am met with a typically dismissive response, and so here I am, writing to you hoping that someone gets what I'm saying. Ironically, much of what he says, you all have said and now I'm really spinning.

ok. so your M is lacking the basic building block of intimacy, and you guys are lovebusting all over the place in your frustration.

you mentioned that you had read some of dr harley's books. which ones? and of them, which chapters spoke to you the loudest?

Just breathe deep right now. My advice to you right now is to try to figure out one thing you can change right now that you know will be something that will better you and be something that will benefit your marriage.

You can work on yourself while you are trying to figure out why your H is disconnected and uncaring about your needs.

I didn't sense you were a conflict avoider. You sure haven't been one here. What does he say when you tell him what you want?

Exactly.

We've read Love Busters and His Needs/Her Needs together: Angry Outburst, Disrespectful Judgements, and Independent Behavior from LB stand out most because that's where most of our problems are.

And how would you rate each other in each of those lovebusters?

Um, no he won't. And yes the question IS what to do about it. It is exceptionally complacent for your choices to be either a) the problem will fix itself or b) leave.

Complacency is the decision to do nothing. And that is exactly what you are doing.



Giving up is complacency. Regardless of what has happened before, it is your job to assess the situation and act. We cannot control others, we can only control ourselves.

You claim there is inequality by your H snooping while you don't. But it is your complacency in NOT snooping creating that inequality!!



"I won't look" "It will resolve itself" "I won't do anything about it"

If I were married to someone this uncaring, inactive and lackadaisacal I would be the one giving up!

No one is interested in your complaints about things you can't be bothered to reslove and act upon. What are you going to DO?

Maybe your H is a conflict avoider. That doesn't mean he isn't secretive. It doesn't mean that he is wrong in engaging in his secretive behavior..... If the way you discuss things with him is angry or blaming or make him feel guilt, then he shuts down to avoid it all. I am just guessing here.... I thought my angry outburts (AO's) were justified b/c of what my H does, but now I know that some of my behaviors have been/are lovebusters. Lovebusters destroy relationships. It seems doubly so when your spouse is a conflict avoider. Just a thought........

teetering, can you identify the lovebusters in your first post?

Never considered myself to be a conflict avoider, no. I'm not afraid of disagreeing with others or them disagreeing with me.

What he says depends on however he feels I suppose. He may agree for the day, and then passive aggressively not do what I ask. He may complain about my asking for something. He may turn it on me and demand that I do something for him first. He may stonewall me and pretend that he can't hear me. He will start fights with me, really, he has an arsenal of ways to push me away when I tell him I need something from him in our relationship.

Angry Outburst and DJ are both weaknesses of ours. The Independent Behavior is mostly an issue that I have with him. He prefer Independent Behavior, so long as he is the one being independent, or so long as my independence is convenient for him.

Anger is no way to resolve conflicts.

Anger is simply the last resort of a conflict avoider who has reached the end of their rope.

This all goes back to your lack of action in the marriage.

Stop expecting someone to wave a magic wand and step up.

If you have a problem you should raise it LONG before you even feel any anger.

Then you raise complaints calmly, suggesting solutions which are as much to his benefit as yours.

If you fear there is secrecy, snoop.

Stop expecting someone else to play your role in this marriage.

But that simply means he never really wanted to do it and you should not be forcing him to. If he doesn't want to do something, don't make him. Go back to the negotation and choose a solution that works as well for him as it does for you.



But if he does not want to do it, you should not be making him any way!

POJA requires two enthusiatic votes.

If he needs pushing, then you don't have an enthusiastic vote, do you?

I'm not sure I'd say he's a conflict avoider. Maybe I need a better understanding of what that means. He has no issue getting into conflict with other people or me. He starts verbal fights whenever he feels like it and with whomever, and was quite rowdy physically when he was younger. He's been secretive since before we were together. So while I used to think it was me and the way I reacted to him, I realize that this is actually the way he has been. I certainly don't make it better though.

Would he agree to go through the program with you? You said he read the books with you. Was he willing to implement these concepts?

In this context conflict has nothing to do with anger and violence.

By 'conflict' Little simply means disagreements or areas of unhappiness or complaints.

All things which can be discussed calmly and peacefully.

It is actually quite common for conflict avoiders to resort to anger and violence because they don't have the skills to verbalise the conflict. They avoid it until they lose control.

You're assuming I'm pushing and not getting an enthusiastic agreement with him. Yes, occasionally I have. But not so much since we read Lovebusters, which was years ago. He may very well enthusiastically agree with me, even saying "I ENTHUSIASTICALLY AGREE WITH THIS" and then turn around and do something different, even blaming me for asking him to do something for me at all. This is my frustration. How am I to know what he wants or doesn't if it he himself doesn't know or wont say? Keylogging his brain was a thought, but seemed impractical.

He said he was, but that was years ago. He enthusiastically agreed to read another book with me, one of his choosing, months ago. We got one chapter in and he quit, saying it was boring and that he never wanted to read it in the first place. This has happened with counseling as well, and many other things I bring up concerning our relationship. He feigns enthusiastic agreement, and then completely backs out and goes on the attack if I question him.

You seem intent on missing the point.



But POJA is not about doing something for YOU!!!

POJA solutions should NEVER benefit only one party.

Your H is q right in refusing solutions that only benefit you.

That is the WHOLE POINT of POJA.