I don't know what led me to this site. I found myself not being able to sleep and just searched "should I remarry my ex-husband". So I met him 6 1/2 yrs ago and we started off as friends. He was going through a divorce and I had just broken an engagement. He had a child and I didn't view him as potential because of all his baggage. Well we became best friends and he grew on me and after he had asked me out several times I finally said yes. Things changed when we started dating. He became very clingy and controlling. He didn't trust me away from him. Now I'm assuming it is because his ex-wife cheated. I went through hell with him. He became very emotionally unstable and threatened to hurt himself if I left. I couldn't take it anymore and broke things off. We went 3 months apart. I ran into him at a mutual friends going away party and we made up and started hanging as friends again. We got back together and then got engaged. My grandmother was dying at the time and he didn't know how to be there for me. He treated me like dirt and he was all about meeting his needs, always wanting sex. I broke off the engagement and a miracle happened. I was raised in a Christian home and God is important to me. Well he went and found God and called me crying about it and I was so pleased so I got back with him and we got married. Our honeymoon was awful. He threatened to leave me there, Dominican Republic. I couldn't even have a bachelorette party. He was very verbally abusive and controlling the first year. He then became a cop and things got better going into the 2nd year. Things just started to feel dead between us. We hardly ever really talked, sex was mechanical, and I went to church alone. I always felt like something was missing and I wasn't happy. I went away on a health convention and realized I felt better away from him. I filed for divorce when I got back. He didn't want a divorce at all. He begged me not to leave him. He moved out and we actually got back together and tried counseling. I would go back to him and nothing changed for me. I would get lonely and start to miss him and then when I went back I realized I didn't want it. Now I am an only child and my parents have always been very involved in my life. They never thought he was good enough for me and they supported the divorce. They felt he was too unstable. He didn't like my parents and felt they were the reason we didn't last. I admit that when I discovered how they felt it did affect my decision. My friends even thought he was wrong for me. Well we were only married 3 1/2 yrs and didn't have any children together. We have been divorced now for 10 months. I tried to date other people right after the divorce and had no luck. My ex and I have talked off and on since the divorce and gotten back together a few times. A few weeks ago we got back together and he mentioned getting remarried. I panicked and broke things off. He has really changed a lot from the man I first married. He hasn't been verbally abusive in years and we actually communicate more than we ever have. He would re-marry me in a heartbeat. I still love him and we talk as friends now. He even dated another woman. I was so jealous and it made me sick to think of him being with someone else which led me to getting back with him several weeks ago. So he has been depressed since this last break up and I have been sending him encouraging words and let him know I'm praying for him. I question to this day if I should have stayed and tried to save my marriage. He didn't cheat, he wasn't verbally abusive, we were just spiritually unequally yoked and we both quit trying. My friends and family tell me to stay away from him because he is and always will be unstable. He is the one person I feel I can be myself around. He is emotionally unstable and I can be too at times. He works hard and I know he would do whatever it takes to make things work. I love him and miss him, but I don't understand why I want to run when he mentions getting re-married. We get along great when we are together and things feel natural. I can't get out of my head that no one approves. I want to be with someone my friends and family like. I'm very family oriented and I hate he and my parents don't get along. He feels my parents are too overly involved in my life and I need to break ties with them. I guess I just don't know what to do. I always look to someone else for the answers. How do I get past this? I feel I will never find love again.

this does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. remarrying him because you're lonely or haven't met anyone else is a terrible reason to get married! marrying him simply so someone else can't have him is also a terrible idea. from what you've written, your entire relationship when you're together has been terrible, but when you're apart you want to be back together. this is not a mature, stable way to begin a marriage. as he has a child, he especially needs to be a lot more planned and considerate about what is best for him/her in the long run, rather than the "i want right now."

you should probably spend some time alone to figure out what exactly it is you need and want out of a relationship. MB is a great programme for learning how to be a good spouse (and what to look for in a spouse). can someone else chime in here with the pre-marriage book link, please? i think it's the one

whoops, i see it is the same as buyers, renters, and freeloaders, which is also an excellent book for someone contemplating a relationship.

I would strongly encourage you to keep looking and choose a marriage partner who is emotionally STABLE and who does the best job of meeting your needs. You can do much better than this. You can find a man you can be in love with who is stable.

If you get back together, your relationship is going to be just as unstable as it was in the past. And there is no reason for you to live like that.

If you are chained down to this unstable man, you can't find a more suitable partner. If you are emotionally unstable, that is the last thing you need in a husband. There are LOTS of stable, good men out there who can do a better job of meeting your needs than him. Please keep looking!!

I would pay very close attention to your parents and other family members because a) they are much more objective than you and b) they care about you. Yes, you might love him, but that is not enough to sustain an unstable, unworkable relationship. Your love won't last on such a shaky foundation.

On the other hand, if you dated you could find someone you could love as much who was STABLE and had the ability to sustain a stable, romantic relationship.

Your quality of life with your XH has been a nightmare, don't sign up for more of the same. You can have a good, happy marriage with the right partner.

Thank you guys so much. It is hard to believe there is something better because I have never experienced it. I do agree that I would be settling if I went back. I can't go back because I'm lonely or haven't met Mr. Right. I'm trying to be strong..I really am. I don't have a lot of friends and so I stoop to seeing him when I'm bored or lonely. I need to get out and meet new people and get a life.

And just think, if you had been dating the past 6 years you might have found the right guy! That is why it is such a mistake to go back to someone you know is not suitable for you - it takes you away from finding the right guy.

I would start posting over on the divorced forum and ask them to help you find dates. They are pretty skilled about it and might be able to help you tremendously.

And PLEASE use your family and friends as a guidepost. It is hard to use good judgement when you are lonely and have strong feelings for someone. They can be your objective eye. They are looking out for you and only want the best for you.

Please read.

Choosing the Right One to Marry #1
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders
Should I Remarry my Ex-Spouse #1
Should I Remarry Ex-Spouse #2

allycat, once i was young and in a terrible M, thinking there was no one else out there for me and i had to settle for what i could get. now that decades have gone by, i can see how silly i was, both in thinking that i wasn't worth more, and that there would be no one else. (i should add this is NOT my now-husband!) you are young and have your whole life ahead of you, honest. there are HEAPS of eligible men out there who could be good husbands. mel's suggestion to check out the dating board is a great one! indie is trying out dr harley's 30 dates. you can follow her progress here. maybe it'll give you some incentive!

Letty, your first post on this thread was an icon of efficiency and focus. The quoted post from the initiator (with the bolding) did not even require the notes below to make your valid points. Nicely done!

Alleycat, you've tried ex-H as a solution to living a life and it was....unsatisfactory. There are so many other options out there.

thank you, NG! i am honored :*)