Glad you're here, LH, even if it seems awkward at first. You will likely receive some few comments that don't seem to align with either the MB Program, or what your wife would want frrom you. The most successful posters here learn to just file those away without comment and spend more time with what appear to be the more germane notes. You'll know who those balanced folks are: HPB, GO, ML, NG(on even-numbered days!)

Let me ask you a key question:

What are your wife's key ENs? and what was the vintage of that survey? There is usually a "use by" date on that information, so if there is any doubt ask her to run the ENQ again.

You are making the correct choice by drawing the protective marital screen with your Mother on the outside if her history with you wife (and daughters) is so tainted. When your marital union is a lot better grounded, there may come a time when you and your wife might want to consider an approach to Mom, but it would have to be on terms that are POJA'd and enforced.

Very glad you're here, dude.

But you can move forward with her GUIDANCE. This is why I said previously that it is a good thing that she is continually telling you what she needs. What she needs today might not be what she needs tomorrow and vice versa. How will you know if she doesn't tell you so you can do a course correction?

But you need to know this so you can do the BEST JOB POSSIBLE of healing your wife. And that is what you want, right? The faster she heals, the faster your life can become happy and fulfilled.

Her complaints are a good thing because they guide you out of the ICU.

Your wife has been through holy unmitigated hell, my friend. This is much, much worse than just an affair. This is YEARS of lies and deceit on top of an affair. It is like her life for the past few years has all been a lie. The kaleidoscope shifted on her past. That is a devastating shock.

It is not going to be easy getting through this, but you can make it much easier if you stop fighting with her and gladly and eagerly render aide to her. Don't add insult to injury by objecting to every thing. Tell her thank you for telling me what I need to do. And then DO IT.

Life will be much easier if you just stop fighting it and listen to what she needs to heal.

Lonhaul

I had a very similar situation with my own mother (blaming me for my WH affair) and my MIL (completely justified her sons actions and tried to blame the OW, me, the kids and anything else but her son for his bad choices).

My FWH cleared this up pretty quickly, he simply told his mother that he does not want to have anything to do with anyone who does not fully support our marriage and family. He did t need to explain himself and he didn't need to explain MB or even give her information on our plan for recovery, that was our business.

I have to be honest I find your list of explanation to your mum quite weak and it seams to give the impression over and over again that your writing it under duress and your wife is holding a gun to your head.
Your mother is a bully and an ignorant one at that so you need to be firm and straight to the point with her.

I cleaned up my side of the street and cut my mother off, haven't seen or spoken to her for over 4 years. My marriage is thriving because we choose to only have people who love and support our marriage. I only wish you can get to the place where you are as happy as we are.

Ps. My MIL did stop her behaviour and has been great with supporting our marriage since the day my FWH grew a pair and stood up for our marriage.

Longhaul,

Things will get better as you continue with MB. In our early recovery, my H often expressed that he could not seem to do enough to meet my needs. My needs were huge at the time.

Your wife, like all wives, wants to know that she is the number one thing in your life, above all others things to include job, family members, geographic location, etc, etc. At the same time, you should be the most important thing in your wife's life. Out of that comes the promises of care and protection.


"I do not want my mother to say anything positive or negative about my wife." Why would you not want your moter to say anything positive about your wife? That seems like a curious thing.

Take a look at the "Lovebuster's" book chapter about resolving conflicts over friends and familymembers. It points out that your spouse is your most important friend and family member. Your mother has done quite a bit of damage here. You and Strongerme need to jointly agree on a plan of how to deal with it.

Hopefully, you are finding the MB member posts as helpful and not hurtful.

AM

"I do not want my mother to say anything positive or negative about my wife." Why would you not want your moter to say anything positive about your wife? That seems like a curious thing.


When she was saying something positive before the no contact, she was sugar coating it and you could tell it wasn't genuine. It would just hurt my wife more. It is best that they don't talk at all for a while.

Longhaul, is your mother aware of how deeply she has hurt your wife?

Thanks for your inputs. I just keep reading them over and over. I seem to pick up more information each time I read them. I feel StrongerMe and me ended on a positive note tonight after we finally talked. We will see what tomorrow holds. It has been a day by day process.

Longhaul, is your mother aware of how deeply she has hurt your wife?


I have told my mother that StongerMe went to her before her own mother to tell about the affair. My moms response was what was going on when this happened. I explained to my mother no matter what was going on. StrongerMe didn't deserve this affair that I had caused. This is my fault and my job to help StrongerMe heal and for us to recover. I told her she was devistated by my mothers reaction. We have a long way to go but I feel positive that tonights arguement ended in me posting for 1 hr. and 20 min. This wasn't even and option for me a few days ago. I type slow. We went back to bed and talked some more and it seemed to be peaceful.

LH - good for you standing up to your mother. But please do not give her the details about what you are doing. She has not earned the right to have that much (or any) information about what you are or are not doing.

I want to "ditto" the others who have said the only thing your mother needs to hear from you is that you require her respect and courtesy, and sincere apology, when you are ready to give her a chance to have contact again on a test basis. But for now she has not earned that chance and you will determine when and if she gets a chance again. And that no contact extends to her grandchildren whom she offended by abusing their mother.

She needs to not know about marriage builders. She needs to NOT know anything but that she is relegated to the proverbial dog house for permanent residence in your lives, until such time as she grows some manners.

Longhaul, the 15-20 hours a week, what does this look like for the next week, and what will you be doing during that time?

LongHaul, for someone who didn't want to post here, you are doing absolutely amazing. It is really wonderful to read your sincere, loving and VERY humble words!! Thank you for opening up and sharing. I can almost "see" your growth and can tell you are learning so much. Right now, this is a beautiful gift you are giving StrongerMe and your family.

But please do not give her the details about what you are doing. She has not earned the right to have that much (or any) information about what you are or are not doing.

This was what I was doing. I don't care what other people think. I truly feel MB is the way to recovery and whether or not my mother agreed or disagreed we are still doing it. I was doing the letter so nothing could be misconstrued on what was said. Where we could say that is not what was said. Read the paper was what I was going to tell her.

I �feel� my wife put me in a box and said this wasn�t good enough and do this now. I also �feel� when things are done that I get. �You should have had a different attitude when you did it.�

I am sorry. This is all new to me. I am trying to give 100%. Who likes to clean up the kitchen? Because I didn�t smile and jump when I did it doesn�t mean the kitchen didn�t get cleaned up. Did I like it? No. Was I happier once the kitchen was cleaned up? Yes.

Am I happy my mother has done this? Am I happy my mother has caused a huge Love Bank withdrawal at this house? No, Will I smile and jump when I am cleaning this up. No, Will I be happier once we have nothing being added to our list because we have enough to be working on. Yes, Yes, Yes.

I am ready for recovery and I am ready to do whatever it takes to get these things behind us so we can start recovery.
This is all I know right now:
Spend 15 to 20 hours a week with my wife.
Stay in the workbooks and make MB a priority.
Make sure our girls are getting enough time with us that this is not compounding any more than it already has on them.
Do a family devotion every night.

We both have had issues of our takers coming out for us to get what we want. I feel this was all started by my actions of infidelity and untruths. I can monitor and adjust what my taker is doing. Have checks and balances in place so that when this happens we will have a solution because of the MB program. Have 15 to 20 hrs. a week discussing all this with my wife.

I just want to love my wife, do whatever it takes for her to heal and her receive the love. I want my family united.
I do not sugar coat what I put on here. I do this for my wife�s healing. It does give me a sense of calming as I type. I am hoping it is healing my wife as well as me. I need to hear from you all that have made it through this. I am a goals based person and MB�s has shown if you stick with the program you will recover your marriage.

This is true!

When you keep this perspective it allows you to continue to tend to your wife's injuries.




You're on the right track, just keep up the good work.

The most important part is your perspective.

You can tend to someones wounds by throwing them a band aid and walking away
or
You can stay and apply ointment, smile, put the band aid on for them and ask if they need anything else.

Of course both scenarios allow for meeting the need of getting a band aid.... but the second scenario is what you'll have to practice every time your wife is triggering.

Again,
It's all about your perspective.....

Stay the course!

Here is a typical scenario this afternoon:

Our children got home today. They decompressed about their day and chilled doing their thing for about 45 min. to an hr. We talked with our 14 yr. old for about 20 min.

My wife�s lower back has been bothering her today. External things I do a decent job with. I kept her comfortable today with heating pad and ice. Heated up lunch for her and let her rest.

I thought she would feel better if she walked down the street and back. I would say it would be 100 yds. Total. She told me it was cold. I would say it is 40 to 50 degrees. So I don�t disagree.

I told her I would get her coat.
She didn�t like her pants.
I offered to get her more pants.
I offered to and went to get my coat.
She said she would walk in the house.
I just wanted to walk out the street and back before it got dark with my wife and kids. It will also help my wife with her lower back to walk.
Then my oldest says �I don�t want to walk outside.�
I say �OK� and walk to the basement.
My youngest says � Why does everything always have to be an argument?�

After this my wife and I have a sit down. I am told I am not following the policy of joint agreement. She did not enthusiastically agree to walk with me down the street. I am bullying her.
My problem is I am just wanting to walk with my family down the street and back. Recreational activity

I am asking for any solutions to what I should have done different. Am I bullying her?

I would ask her how she would feel about taking a walk with you. She is either enthusiastic about it or not. If she doesn't want to do that, then that is fine. You don't want her to agree to things she doesn't want to do. Recreational activities should be things you BOTH enjoy and should be decided together.

We sat down and talked about it again. I agree with what you posted and she told me the same thing. We have made our recreational survey and are agreeing to do those activities together on a schedule but not spontaneously. We are doing a weekend out of town with each other and our girls. I am a work in progress. Thanks again for your direction.

Can't speak for LH but I learned something! BTW LH I'm rooting for a good recovery of your marriage!

This does make sense and your training is very helpful. I don't mind putting in the extra work on these small conversations because I feel it is where I have been missing the mark.

I would have liked to take a walk with my wife and kids.
We didn't take a walk and everybody was having love bank withdrawals.

By these things I am learning on the forum to change my behavior. We will not take a walk and there will not be any Love Bank withdrawals.

We are leaving today on the weekend get away with the family. I will use this and hopefully walk with my family and everybody is making love bank deposits.

My wife is telling me these things and it supports it when you all are saying the same thing. I know I should only need to hear it from my wife but the reality is I need it from her and this forum. My goal will be to stay by her side and listen better.

gloveOil, things like this are what I would love to learn. Where did you learn them from? The books have not helped much in this area.