So I'm new to MB and sought this site for advice. I was married 3 1/2 yrs and have been divorced for 10 months. I chose to leave because my ex was very emotionally unstable and I dealt with neglect, manipulation, controlling nature, and verbal abuse. He had trust issues and had anxiety when we were away from each other. We have gotten back together and broken up numerous times. My family and friends feel I am better off and can do better. He hates my family and feels I should break ties with them because they don't support us. He recently asked me to remarry him and I felt very uneasy inside. I love him, but I have always felt something was missing. We are talking as friends right now and talk more than we have in a while. I question if I should have stayed and made things work. He didn't want a divorce and would love to get remarried. I just hate no one supports it and If everyone feels I can do better then maybe I'm missing something. I don't know what to do. Has anyone dealt with this?

You have not mentioned that you have resolved all the problems you had/have with him.

That might be why you feel uneasy inside.

Hi Allycat,

If your xH is abusive, I would encourage you to read all you can about abuse. Abusers don't change without lots of intensive therapy...he might be "charming" now (as he likely was when you initially dated) but he will quickly revert back to his controlling behavior once he feels he "has you," again.

If he is willing to spend at least a year in abuser's intervention, then you could date him while he's there and see how it goes? Otherwise, RUN.

I am just now divorcing my abusive H who refused to get help: up until the moment he left the house, he abused me and blamed me for it. He still carries that sense of entitlement and anger in our divorce proceedings. I feel so hurt and damaged by his behavior that I hope I never get sucked into that scene again. My days are more peaceful now, but I know it will take months (if not years) to heal from it all.

There are tons of good books by experts like Lundy Bancroft (20 years working with abusers) and resources galore. You may even call your local shelter: they can point you to helpful resources, and maybe a support group. Once you hear the same stories over and over, the promises to change - then reverting back - you'll start to see the patterns that he must overcome in order to prove himself a caring husband.

Good luck, my dear! You're a strong woman to have left him, noble for considering giving him another chance, and intelligent enough to decide what to do next.

Clearly your DH thinks he is better off with you in his life (so he can control you?) but it doesn't sound like you are better off in your life. All the people who love you and are looking at this objectively don't think this is a good idea.

Yes, you have some love for him. That is why you married him. But he is not a good life partner. Good life partners should add to each other lives. Given that you are divorced, and there are all of these options, why would you pick a not very good one?


Let's say you went to the pound get a dog. You want a dog that you can take walks withs in the park. You are active, and want an active dog. You want to spend alot of time with it so want a friendly dog.

You go to the pound and all they have for months is this dog who seems friendly. You get the dog but find out it has an allergy to grass. If you make it wear special booties and give it allergy medicine you can go to the park. The dog doesn't bite, but will only come to you when it wants to. It doesn't learn new tricks. It does like chew toys you give it.

Now, let's say that you could give the dog back to the pound. This was not your preference, but that is what happened.

You still want a dog. Do you go back to the pound and pick out the very one who doesn't meet your needs? or do you try a different pound or maybe a breeder who specializes in dogs that love the outdoors?