My husband of then 32 years had a 13 month affair with a woman from our church who was going through a divorce herself. We were helping her cope with the trauma of her divorce (by helping her get her home ready to sell, deal with struggles with their 5 children, etc.)� She was needy, young, and had a great body�and she decided she wanted MY husband! She came onto him, and he fell for her. She deliberately set her sites on him. She eventually begged him to leave me and marry her�he never was interested in that he told me later. He saw her at lunch; he�d leave work and go to her apartment. He was home every evening. I didn�t have a clue. I discovered the affair when I picked up his cell phone (to view a video of our grandchild he had saved on his phone) and instead saw a text from her�it was obvious what was going on. I told him to move out. I was absolutely devastated! I have never known such anguish. He broke it off with her immediately (moments after driving away via phone). He moved in with his brother. He begged my forgiveness. He told me he�d never meant to hurt me; that he�d wait for me to forgive him for the rest of his life�and would wait for me to let him back into my life. I�ve loved this man since I was 12 years old (he was 14!!) We got married when I graduated HS. We have three grown daughters, and 7 grandchildren. I met with him and told him certain things had to happen before ANY sort of reconciliation could be considered: 1) No contact with HER ever again 2) No contact with HER children (they were a part of our youth choir we directed) 3) We would never return to the church where we�d attended (with this family)�I know it wasn�t the church�s fault, I just couldn�t be there anymore. 4) He must tell ALL of our family members of the affair: our daughters, their husbands, my parents and siblings, and all of his family (mother, siblings). 5) He must change his cell number. All email accounts / passwords were �open� to me. 6) He must allow me to �track� him via location device with his phone (I did this for the first few months). 7) I could monitor calls / texts on his phone at any time�including �blocking� HER number 8) He would attend Christian counseling (I went once, too) 9) He would also get counseling from a much-loved / respected priest in a nearby town (which is where we are attending church now, and are music ministers there) 10) He would answer any questions I asked him about the affair. (I didn�t want to know many details.) Within a month I�d allowed him to move back home. We read marriage books together (including some of yours), we prayed together aloud and read the Bible together daily. It took several months for our physical relationship to resume (we both went through testing for STD�s). We renewed our marriage vows. We took trips together, weekend getaways, etc�It has been two years now. We are still coping with it, and it is the toughest thing I�ve ever dealt with. But we believe in our love, in God�s design for agape, and will fight though all hurdles to get through this and remain together. Then, out of the clear blue, my husband was fired from his job 4 months ago. His boss came in and told him that he knew of his affair, that he�d been having it during the daytime and accused him of �stealing� company time, and that others in the company were aware of it, too, and that he no longer could command the respect needed to be the manager. The ONLY way anyone could have found out was by HER telling them. (She knew a male worker there.) After 3 long months of job searching, my husband finally got another job. We�re still together, still recuperating from the trauma SHE brought upon our family. My husband showers me with love and affection, and daily recommits himself to me. He weeps sometimes when he sees me sad, begging me to forgive him for doing this to us. I have forgiven him. I believe in our love, our relationship. Here�s the difficulty I can�t seem to find a solution to: I feel I�m harboring anger / hatred toward HER�and I�m �obsessed� with keeping tabs on her. She has made no attempt to contact either of us since he broke it off. (We have actually since found out that she has had numerous affairs over the years�this was the cause of their divorce / not abuse as SHE claimed.) She has also been engaged to another man since the end of this affair�but they broke up. I know this by following her on FB (just her public postings, I�m not her �friend�). At one point she closed her FB account and I began doing searches for her on the internet. That�s how I found out where she was working (another town close by). I never contact her�I just feel the compulsion to know where she is�to protect my marriage and family from her evil. I never even knew such conniving deceitful people were out there�now I know that evil is real and CAN enter your family if you are not vigilant to protect yourself from it. I rediscovered her on FB just this week and discovered she is now living in another state�she left all of her 5 children here with her ex-husband! (I know they�re here, because one child attends school on a campus I teach at). Even knowing SHE is in another state, I still feel the urge to keep up with her by checking her FB page almost daily. Am I sick? Or just being vigilant? Am I just prolonging getting over this? Or am I being smart by keeping up with where she is so that I�m / we�re not caught unaware again. Oh, by the way, we also discovered she�s bipolar (takes meds) and COULD potentially be dangerous�and she will probably be back in our state, if only to visit her kids. I can�t seem to find the answer to this anywhere�I�ve checked many articles, books, and posts. Please respond! Thank you!

Hi! Welcome to MB! To answer your question.. yes you are prolonging your recovery by looking at OW. Its a trigger. Everytime you or your hubby looks at anything that has anything to do with the affair or the OW at all .. your resetting yourself back to D-Day.

ALso .. if you could break up your post into paragraphs so its easier to read than a wall of text. That would be much appreciated.

Have you read any of the concepts here? Has your hubby followed through with your requests?

Read this thread .. it will help in your recovery process.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583

Read all you can ...

MNG

Welcome to MB.

It seems like you and your WH have taken a lot of the proper steps to recover from his affair.

You need to create a romantic loving marriage that is better than your marriage was pre-affair.

Have you seen this?
How to Survive an Affair

Yes, and we are doing all that we can to make everything better. We DID have a good marriage...he told me he had just gotten complacent, and when this beautiful, younger woman made a play for him, he felt flattered, and then just fell into the temptation. He felt needed by her...I'm pretty independent, and hadn't made him feel "needed" as much. But we both know how precious our love is, and are doing all we can do to get over this. He has done everything I've requested of him, and more. He tells me numerous times a day how much he loves me, needs me, and appreciates me. And I do the same. I think we're getting through this, except this one issue of me feeling the need to monitor her.

Sometimes if your triggers are too much .. Dr.Harley has suggested that you even leave your state or city or province to avoid the triggers.

Yes, he has followed through will all requests and then some. He reassures me constantly how much he loves and appreciates me. He stays in constant contact with me...emails, texts, calls, often just quick "i love you's" or "thank you for still loving me".

Our kids have been wonderful, too. We're dealing with it, praying constantly, communicating well...

He wants me to stop keeping tabs on her. And I can for a while, then the compulsion comes back to see where she is. Should I just fight the temptation and drop it?

Have you read the link I posted? The reason you keep obsessing is because your marriage is not REALLY recovered. There is a narrow path to recovery. I would check out that link I posted to you and see how much of it you have done.

MNG

edit: also read the link brainhurts gave you.

Leaving is not an option. We live on land that's been in my husband's family for over 150 years. Our roots are deep here. Our family is nearby, we love our church and jobs. She is the outsider...they moved here from across the country, and now she's gone back there. The "triggers" are not our home or even the surroundings. We don't go to any of the places I associate with her (gym, old church, etc) and ARE recovering.

Leaving always is an option. It can and has been done by many. It does not matter how long the land has been in the family.

The best thing to do, and it's not easy at first, is to stop googling and looking for the OW. It is prolonging your anguish and not helping your recovery at all.

I did the same thing at first. Actually created a secondary FB account so I could look her up and stare at her photo with hatred and it ALWAYS set me back. I haven't look in a long while now, at least a year, perhaps longer. It was a little hard to stop at first, because it became a compulsion.

You have your grandchildren nearby? Other hobbies, etc? Have some ideas planned for the next time that compulsion arises, even if it's just a walk around the block.

But yes, stop tracking the OW. It is NOT smart for your own recovery.

How much UA time are you getting?

Requirements for Recovery After an Affair

Auth

Welcome to Mb and I'm so sorry your going through this.

I can 100% relate to what you are doing. After my DH and I started recovery I continued to be obsessed with the OW, I checked her FB over and over again and if I couldn't get to her FB I would check her mums, her sisters and anyone she was friends with. It was a manic obsession, but I didn't do it because I was making sure she was at bay I was doing it because I was desperate for her to be run over by the Karma bus. She took so much from me and nearly destroyed my family and in my eyes she got away unscaved so I would spend hours and hours hoping and wishing and waiting for the Karma bus to hit her.

This behaviour was seriously interfering with my recovery and I hid this from my husband for 2 years but he felt the effect none the less when I triggered often and withdrew from him.

It took a long time but I finally realised it does not matter what she is doing or what her life was like I was wasting too much energy on her and she had taken enough from me why was I still giving her more time and energy?? Why was I still keeping her in my thoughts and life? It was wrong and I should be putting all my energy into rebuilding my marriage and loving my husband rather than waste it on a low life like the OW.

It's now been a year since my realisation and I took the step to block her on FB and block any of her friends and relatives.

I would highly reccomend you do the same. Block her, don't waste anymore energy on her. If she is going to flip or do anything she is going to do it weather your monitoring her or not.

Her Facebook will never tell you the true picture of what she is doing, people tend to put information on there that they want to share and show off. It's hardly ever accurate or a true depiction of someone's life.

Please let her go, she isn't worthy or deserving of anymore of your energy.

Do you have the book SAA? Maybe these will help.

Radio clip on forgiving the OW.
Radio clip on Forgiving the OW
Segment #2

Listen to the clips also, at the end of this.
Managing Memories and Dealing with Triggers

BrainHurts,

So glad you posted the triggers link, you posted it to me when I first came to MB and it was very very helpful.

Hope it works for Auth.

I'm glad it helped.

Did you see the new radio clips I added to the end of the thread? About flooding?

BH

Flooding? No idea what that is. Where did you add those links BH? On my thread?

On page 11 of the managing triggers thread. There is also a clip from Dr. Harley on managing triggers. They are really good clips.

BH

Looking I to it now. Thanks
I'm also happy to report I'm relatively trigger free these days especially since I let the OW go.

So happy to hear that, friend.