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I know what i need to do NG.
He will be out of the house by involving his brother .he doesnt want any of his side of the family to know.not anymore.that would be the ultimate blow to his status!!!!
He will lose everything.
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I want to share a post with you that was posted on a thread to me. This time last year. I was a mess back then. the reason you are paralyzed is because he controls you through your emotions. And he is very, very good at it. He plays on your emotions and creates so much conflict that he wears you down into submission. The problem is that being controlled by a dangerous person who is only out for his own self interest puts you in great danger.
You have to stop allowing him to control you this way. His tactic is to cause as much drama as possible and batter your emotions until you give in. He knows this usually works for him. You can't allow this to continue to happen anymore. You are just begging for a nervous breakdown.
Once you get away from him, your mind will clear and you will have a more objective perspective about how bad he really is. Others here can see it and it is really shocking. But you need to first get away from him in order for this to happen.
I would make a plan to move. Make it clear to him that if he harrasses you or follows you that you will file a restraining order against him. I predict you will probably have to do this.
But you need to get going, my friend. I am concerned for your mental health. If you go down, then he will have full custody of the kids. Don't let that happen.
Put your emotions aside and act with resolve and decisiveness. And don't allow his craziness to control you anymore.
"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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Thanks LR
i was a complete mess too a year back i didnt know who or where to turn.ive given so much time to change but no.hes made me depressed n im on antidepressants now.hes the only one that says this is happening cos im depressed.everyone else n even the professionals r saying that its him..my mind is clearer now n im on the lowest dose for my depression n will be slowly weaning myself off them when gp says its ok.
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Thanks LR
i was a complete mess too a year back i didnt know who or where to turn.ive given so much time to change but no.hes made me depressed n im on antidepressants now.hes the only one that says this is happening cos im depressed.everyone else n even the professionals r saying that its him..my mind is clearer now n im on the lowest dose for my depression n will be slowly weaning myself off them when gp says its ok.
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You need a plan Sally. I intend on seperating.
That is not a plan.
This is a plan:
Prior to H's return home on xxxxxday evening, I will have already pre-positioned a three day supply of clothing, etc, for myself and my kids at place of safety (Mom's?)
When H arrives home, he will find (brother, father, uncle, pastor?) at home with me. I will tell him he has two hours to pack enough clothes to get him through the immediate future, and LEAVE.
A - If he does, I will stay there with the protection of the males mentioned, and watch him go. Immediately on his leaving, I will have XXXXXX change the locks on all outside doors, including GARAGE access, or change just one lock and install sliding deadbolts on all other doors.
B - If he does NOT, I will pack up the children at that moment, and remove us all to place of safety. Once there, I will contact Family Services, Legal Aid, abused woman's shelter, and police, and alert them to events. I will call all family, friends, etc, and tell them where I will be staying.
Do you see the difference?
"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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When does he return from the business trip?
Are you going to stay or move?
What about your finances? Joint account? Seperate accounts? Do you have access to family funds?
Do you have an emergency stash of clothing, cash, and essentials for yourself and the kids somewhere else?
What steps have you done already?
Do not sit and be paralyzed by fear and worry right now......get going.
"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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NH's post is spot on.
My father had to pick me up and take me away. Best thing he's ever done in his life! It was his actions that saved me.
Blood runs thick, have a male from your side of the family there.
Get finances in order. Have your car key on you. Have your phone on you and have a code with friends. If I call I'm going to be late for coffee, they know to call the sheriffs immediately.
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S6,
Listen to these colleagues, please. They are veterans of your dangerous circumstances.
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Ive spoken to a good solicitor about money etc side..ive sorted that end.copies of important stuff.hes back in two weeks.
My family know so i can call them.they said i can stay at theres whenever i need to.
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U wont believe hes just called
He said"youve got unlimited texts so u can text me whenever u like"
he wishs!!!!!!!
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okay sally he's gone for two weeks, what's your plan by then?
Give us step by steps.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Ive spoken to a good solicitor about money etc side..ive sorted that end.copies of important stuff.hes back in two weeks.
My family know so i can call them.they said i can stay at theres whenever i need to. So you have 2 weeks to get the escape plan for yourself and your children. Get into a safe environment. Start the healing for yourself and your babies. It will be a better life no matter what your abuser decides to do. Or you have 2 weeks to do nothing. Let things escalate. Allow the violence to continue. Eventually resulting in physical violence towards your children. Not to mention the emotional impact it currently has on yourself and your children. In addition to the fact that physical violence can end in him either beating you to death or another form that will cause you to be 6 feet under, all while your children are witnesses to this. Will they speak of it? Probably not, because they will be to scared to speak. We can continue on to what will happen to children of physical abuse, but I will save that for another time. What path would you like to follow Sally?
"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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Noone is going to change my mind
im sticking to chucking him out.
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He just rang me three times he said i cant sleep.what am i supposed to do about it.he started fantasising about the night he gets back.i then told him hes gonna have to move out."no ",he said "i cant live without the kids,u move out".he said i cant face people if they found out that ive moved out n what will the kids say.
He sed ive given him stress now n theres noway hes gonba beable to sleep now!!!good for him i thought.
Im onto plan b now
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He just rang me three times he said i cant sleep...i then told him hes gonna have to move out  So much for the purported existence of a cogent plan!  he said i cant face people if they found out that ive moved out n what will the kids say.Not "I'll do anything to fix this!", or "I love you, babydoll!" or something similar? Well, you gotta give him props for being honest, as he basically said, "Our relationship is all about my status in the world at large!" Wow!
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I understand why you did this, but this is not the best action. YOU NEED A PLAN!
Be nice and quiet towards him for now, but in the back ground make your plan, get finances in order.
He will suck you back in over and over and over again. He knows how to play you, you knows what draws you in.
It is clear it is all about him, and you are nothing more then a worthless doormat to him. Been there done that. But realize, neither are the children to him. They are nothing more then an ornament to decorate the christmas tree. And that is NOT the right way to grow up!
When you get a plan, work the plan, you will gain strength. Getting into the plan is the hard part, and there will be slip ups, but you have to start getting it together, ask for help from a family member if you need to.
But the phone calls all the more are telling how you need to get away. He knows just how to play you. He counts on you being wishy-washy, that is what you've always been. This is a deep disrespect for you. You deserve better, but the only way out, is working a plan. It will be difficult in the beginning, you will be wishy-washy, but as you go along you will gain lots of strength.
I'm not what I was 2 years ago. It was hard to follow a plan, and there were many obstacles, but I'm doing pretty good right now!
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Well family is a no go.they just want it to be hunkydorie.im basically on my own regarding this.u guys have given me hope .there is light at the end of the tunnel.u guys have given me a different perspective on things.thanku.
He makes me so mad that i cant handle the situation anore.
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Do not warn of your plan. You could turn your 2 week prep time to no prep time.
Get your acting hat on.
Your family will not back you up and support you? That is too bad. Do you have any female friends you can ask for assistance? Or has abusive husband cut you off and sheltered you from making friendships? Mine hand me so busy with his drama, I had no time to make friendships.
I was able to make the necessary changes with just 2 in real life female friends and the support of this board. It is amazing where you will find the personal strength, but you can do this.
Can you fill us in on what you have done and what you need to do? You need to have a plan. Check things off as you go.
"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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Unfortunatly my family want me to give it more time.22 years is enough time dont u think!!!!!!!
Ive got a few good friends but they dont know what im supposed to do.
Ive been cut off from everyone thanks to urs truely..
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