It has been a couple of days since W agreed to cut off all contact with OM and work things out with me. She has given me access to all social media and her email account. She let me block his number from her phone and has given me access to her phone.

My problem lies in the fact that before the affair and after I found out we have discussed what EN's I wasnt meeting for her and by far the most important to her has been attention. Even now that she has decided to work things out she says that she is used to me not giving her attention and that she no longer desires it from me. How do I get past this? She still wants to leave and have time to herself, its like she is just tired of being around me. She also accuses me of being clingy.

Sorry that you are going through the terrible pain caused by infidelity. You are in the right place for advice. You should read everything on this website about how to recover from an affair, and read Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair.
Has a No Contact letter been sent? If the OM is married, has the affair been exposed to his wife? These steps are very important.
Your wife may find you clingy because she is very early in the withdrawal period following the end of an affair. You'll find more about this and how to handle it on this website and in SA.
Good luck to you! Following Dr. Harley's advice is the best way to recover happiness in your marriage.

The affair has went on for a year now
A no contact letter has been sent
Dec 28th

I understand that she is still foggy its just that we discussed this before I knew about the affair and we discussed it today as well.

My knee-jerk reaction is to full-heartedly try to meet her ENs so that she doesnt change her mind about working things out or be tempted to contact him in some way. I have all the bases that I can covered but we are very poor financially and some of these suggestions about GPS trackers and key loggers aren't just out of my budget but seem kind of overboard. All she would have to do is create a new email account and email him without me being any the wiser.

All she would have to do is create a new email account and email him without me being any the wiser.

...which you would know about immediately through the secret keylogger you installed!

Trust me when I say you should trust the EXPERTS here and not the set of personal judgments that.....well, you're here, aren't you?

How can keyloggers and GPS trackers be overboard if they are also simple to get around?

And why do you insult our intelligence on here? If keyloggers were so simple to get around with a new email account, then why would we be recommending them? Do you think we're all simple-minded?

Keyloggers track every keystroke that is made on a PC, so if a new email account is set up, the keystrokes to set it up are recorded. Isn't that obvious?

Have you read about how many people here discovered contact via keyloggers - after D Day, after the WS swore up and down that there was NC, after all existing passwords were handed over, after Bibles were sworn upon? Not one of them (us) felt that keyloggers were overboard when they saw evidence of their spouse's lying and utter disregard for the horror that the BS was going through.

Refuse to spend $99 on a keylogger if you like - that is your right - but don't insult our intelligence!

The OM was a high school crush, she found him on FB 3 years ago and they have had polite conversation on/off since then. She said that it did not turn in to a PA until about a year ago and did not turn into an EA until some short time after that.

My W was able to engage in the affair because I have always been good about giving her time to herself because the kids stress her out. So, most Fridays or all day Saturday I would let her go off by herself to relieve stress.

She last had contact Dec 28th.



Some of the things I keep seeing are people suggesting $100 key loggers and GPS tracking units and expensive spy gear basically. I did not know that there were free keyloggers.

My main problem is the iPhone that she has. I have no idea how to get past that and she uses iCloud to back up stuff so there is no local copy and I had not thought to ask her for that pword.

Blues, have you priced out what a family lawyer's retainer costs? Try, about 3 or 4 grand for starters. Maybe more in some locations.

$99 is chump change, my friend. Don't be penny-wise and pound-foolish.

You misunderstand, I don't think that they are easy to get past, I just don't have the funds for those things. I didn't know that there were reliable free one's.

I dont want to get into a pitty party over finances here but trust me when I say I cannot afford $99 any time soon especially without my wife noticing it.

Wrong. This has been developing as an emotional affair for a long time, certainly for more than a year, and probably since very shortly after they began corresponding. She was allowing him to meet emotional needs of hers via this correspondence. That is the very definition of an emotional affair. That's how the vast majority of affairs start. You need to understand this. Your wife does not understand it, and that poses a very great danger that she'll fail to take the necessary steps to prevent resumption of contact & prevent the sort of behavior that leads to emotional affairs, which in turn lead to physical affairs.

She needs to be off Facebook altogether; or else you need to have a joint account.
How was that a "good" thing? Married couples don't improve their marriages by spending so much of their their discretionary time apart. That undermines a marriage. You can't meet the top emotional needs by being apart. Now she's in the habit of getting her needs met by people other than her husband. It will take her time to unlearn her bad habit.

See my previous post about chump-change vs. real money. Divorce lawyers cost real money.

We are in month (7) of recovery after my wife's (4) month affair. All I can suggest is that you DO have to go to extreme measures that you normally would not even think of in your past relationship when you are knee deep in this mess.

I have safeguards in place STILL today,.. ones my wife is aware of and some she is not unitl I FEEL 99% comfortable that this will never resume again.

Not in your case yet, BUT you know you are making progress when you see the change in your wife's attitude that she wants to assure your safety in regard to no contact with the OM.

My wife at present "welcomes" questions, reassurance and any form of "surveillance" because it only affords her one more opportunity to verify the "word" that she destroyed.

If she complains or questions the reasons or something seems funny, that's because IT IS! Honest spouses have nothing at all to hide and feel a sense of relief to now be honest because they have been so dishonest behind your back when in the affair.

Is this guy married? Who have you exposed this to?

Facebook needs to be de-activated.

EP starter for me...

1. Face Book and all social media eliminated FOREVER!! She lost her chance at that BS, plus it is a condition that makes affairs possible.

2. Cell number changed NOW...

3. All electronic communication transparent, emails at home, work ect...

4. She goes NO WHERE alone or without a witness. I still do this today and my wife is fine with it. Wife wishes to go to grocery store when I'm working, either take one of the kids or wait til I can go.

She invited this type of semi "probation" in her life so she should welcome it, maybe with some reluctance, but follow through if she is really done with this POSOM.

Alos like the other posters here...EXPOSURE is nessasary...I personally phoned the other males wife after obtaining all the details. Actually I confronted other male first in attempts to get her cell phone number...Other male told me that he would appreciate me "staying out of it" and that the affair was now between me and him. I told him he bet his fat @$# it was between me and him that is why I was going to be calling his wife pronto. This guy actually said he would rather tell his wife the news in small bits so as not to hurt her all at once.

Hmm..try not having an affair on her and that might help her feelings.

My point you need to expose this and hold those accountable for what they really did....not some watered down version.

are there keyloggers for the iPhone?

Plenty if the phone is jailbroken. Aside from that, not so much.