I let my husband do a stupid thing. He was going through a time where he felt like his needs werent met, emotionally or sexually, and asked me for permission to meet those needs elsewhere. He told me that his love for me wouldnt be affected, that I was 95% of the woman he needed. He didnt want to leave me, he just wanted what I wasnt giving him. I was devastated, but I gave him permission. We had ground rules, he wasnt allowed to have sex. He promises me this didnt happen, and he has since come back (after 8 months or so of going through thi's really sorry, and he never should have asked me. Wants to know if I can forgive him, promises that we are fine.

About a week later, I find out that he had two women during the time that I had given him permission. He was supposed to tell me at least who, not details, but who. And when we made up, he promised me then that nothing had happened, no emotional bonds, no kissing. One woman apparently, they both had feelings, and the other was just physical. He still promises me there was no sex.

I know I shouldnt have given him permission, I had just hoped that he would find his way out of the fog he had created about what he thought I wasn't doing for him anymore, that getting close to making the mistake would bring him back to me. I guess it has, but I still have to deal with the fall out.

For my part, I am seeking counseling for my own errors. I don't tell him I love him in words, and I don't initiate sex. Theres a long history for my problems, which I thought he understood and saw the other ways I try to show love. He says that he sees all that now.

I'm stupid right? I told him he could. I'm afraid that he is or was in love with the one woman, who he works in the same building with. How do we move forward from this? I'm having a hard time letting go of everything, not just the physical slips, which dont bother me honestly as much as the lies about it all, and the request for infidelity in the first place.

Uh, what, then, did you give him permission to do? Listen to other women read him poetry?

It could phsyical, it just couldnt go that far. Both women, there was kissing and petting.

I know it was stupid, I just thought we would fix it before anything happened, or that he would change his mind. He swore he still loves me.

Welcome to MB.

You gave him permission to do the most egregious of acts???

You need to expose this. Especially to his work, since one of his OW works at his building.

Have you been STD tested?

Please read this and give us your plan.

Exposure 101

Moxie,

Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here, but you are in the right place to get help. The vets will be along shortly to provide help, but I have a few suggestions in the mean time:

1. Get a copy of surviving an affair by Willard Harley, it walks you through the narrow path of recovering your marriage. Follow it step by step to recover from this and build the marriage you both want.

2. The reason this happened is the same as any other affair. The fact that you gave him permission doesn't change anything. You aren't meeting each others needs, putting in place extraordinary precautions, being radically honest, etc. The solution is to start doing those things.

3. If your husband is willing to recover the marriage and go to counseling then talk to Steve Harley (he is one of the marriage counselors for Marriage Builders), but don't waste your time with other marriage counseling as it doesn't work. MB stands out as the program that builds your marriage into something way better than before the affair, which is really needed for healing.

4. Start reading through the basic concepts on this website. It will give you a lot of information you need in order to recover.

Hope that helps,
ak

Moxie,

If these women were married your family is now a part of two other families, and your WH has hurt not just you, but the children and husbands of these families. The BHs may seek revenge, please stop this now.

God Bless
Gamma

Moxie I think its obvious he was already in a full blown affair by the time he asked you this very cruel request.

No of course you should not have agreed, (I'm guessing you felt desperate) but he was already doing it anyway!!

Other obvious things:

1) The affairs were fully physical
2) The As continue, especially at the workplace
3) You should fire your counsellor
4) He can never see the OW again, ever and so must quit his job.

Now go get somebody to give you a hug.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

You REALLY need to learn the basic MB tools before you do anything. And I mean learn them down to your DNA.

You giving your H "permission" to devastate your feelings was never an acceptable or good idea .... And never will be under any circumstances.

That sort of erroneous thinking will ruin any chance you have of a happy marriage.

Have you read the basic concepts?

One of the most essential tools to learn is the POJA.

Policy of Joint Agreement:
***Click this link to read a summary of Basic Concepts***

hi moxie. i want to comment on the "gave him permission" thing. i'm not going into the whys or wherefores of this. i only want to say: you are entitled to *change your mind* on this decision. so stop beating yourself up over this desperate act and rescind it promptly.