Matt,

I think part of what I was saying before is to ask your GF if she felt you had overstepped with other women. Given the fact that her ex-H had an OC, she might magnify whatever error you committed by 10x or 100x. But you have to ASK, as some people will never tell you straight out, because they are ashamed of or attempt to suppress their feeling of jealousy and distrust.

God Bless
Gamma

In this situation, jealousy and mistrust are entirely warranted and nothing has been magnified!

Matt, Dr Harley would tell your GF not to recover with you in spite of the children. I've heard him tell women this where men are not married to them. He considers the relationship failure prior to any commitment fairly telling.

You also got her involved in a very serious relationship before her D was final. The year following betrayal is tormentuous and the fact is, you got her when she was vulnerable. Then put her through that ordeal all over again.

If she's asked you to leave her alone, I'd respect her wishes.

And your boundaries around women MUST suck. They must. Figure out which failing led to the deceit or you will be doomed to repeat it.

Not everyone cares about getting married. Neither of us wanted to for a long time. Next question is how do I delete my profile from this website? I thought it might be a helpful place but I was wrong.

Why do you feel this isn't a helpful place?

Here Please remove/delete all my posts

Indiegirl is correct. You are not even married, Matthew, so this is not cheating. Since there is no commitment here, you are no more beholden to your girlfriend than this other woman. Dr Harley recently coached a woman in a similar situation on his radio show. He advised her to separate because living together is such a disaster. Living together ruins relationships because they are just month to month rental agreements that are characterized by neglect, abuse and infidelity. Eighty percent of domestic violence occurs in shack up situations.

If you separated and followed the guidelines in Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders, you might be able to change the dynamic in your relationship. But as it is now, you have everything going against you. Getting married now would be the worst thing you could do, becuase you would just be committing both of you to an abusive renters relationship. This is why 85% of marriages fail that began by living together.

And lot of judgements that because we weren't actually married it wasn't a real relationship. I do know where you people are from but here divorces aren't a quick thing especially if there's arguing about things. A marriage is also supposed to be a union between two people and God which we also don't believe in, therefore getting married wasn't high on our list of things to do

And also I asked for some advice with giving only the information that was necessary for that advice. Most of the responders apparently know more of my relationship than I do. I'm saying most not all because a few had legitimate questions

Oh no, we know you have a "relationship," it is just not a marriage. We can all "judge" that you aren't married and there is a huge difference between being married and just living together.

To you there's a difference, to us its a piece of paper. A relationship doesn't live or die from a piece of paper

That is so true. It's just that shacking up is not a commitment and those "relationships" tend to be much more tenuous than a marriage. They are tentative month to month agreements where either party can just move on if the spirit moves them.

Again our belief is marriages are for the eyes of a God we do not believe in

That's cool. To each his own.

Yet you just said in this post that the plan was to get married this summer.

A relationship may not, but a marriage sure does. Because marriage is a set, life-long commitment to another person. That "piece of paper" is a legal, social, and (if one is so inclined) spiritual contract of Care, Compassion, and Fidelity.

Without that "piece of paper" in most states you will have problems without further "pieces of paper" to be involved in any life decisions of your partner including financial and healthcare decisions. One "piece of paper" granting a legitimate marriage covers many bases that would otherwise have to be covered by several legal documents.

It's also rather difficult to untangle that "piece of paper" when someone violates the contract. And that is what this site is for; learning how to renegotiate the marital contract when one spouse or the other (or both) violates the legal, social, and spiritual contract of marriage.


You failed your marriage interview - and I hope on your next one, you are up front that you believe "marriage is just a piece of paper."

This is a rather dim view. The eyes of "a God" that you don't believe in?

Yaweh? Jehovah?

Pfff, as if the Hebrews and Christians invented marriage! It's something that has occurred across varied cultures and their various deities. Abrahamic followers have no monopoly on the concept of marriage.


It's not purely an indoctrinated command of a religious culture, sir. It is the natural social outcome of human behavior, and the simple fact that we protect and keep that which we treasure. That we defend our treasures from those who would covet it, and we acknowledge that others must defend from our coveting of their treasures.

Great post, HHH.

One doesn't have to even believe in God to get married. Marriage is a legal institution recognized by every state in this union. Getting married is a legal and moral committment to your spouse. It's sort of like when you buy a house or a car on credit. You sign a paper committing to pay the loan and to take care of the property. Living together is no commitment on the other hand. Here today, gone tomorrow. No commitment.

You can't expect folks to take your "relationship" any more seriously than you have. It was not even important enough to drive downtown and get married. So why should we take it more seriously than you?

I know he's probably gone, but here are some excellent reads.

Living Together Before Marriage #1
What it's Like to be Married after Living Together #1

And an article from the New York Times citing a study showing that Cohabitation increases the probability of divorce;

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/03/us/03marry.html?_r=0

Your response is glib. I don't like it.


You did not really have boundaries.
You did not (do not) really understand boundaries.
You actually do not respect what boundaries will do FOR you. Boundaries are for YOUR protection.

Boundaries are placed to protect, not to restrict or to punish.

x1000 for what Melody said.

I have cut off all my male friends. It's not to punish me, it's to protect my fiance and my's relationship.