Hi everyone, I looked around the site at several topics and noticed some topics that pertain to mine. Sex or lack thereof.

I have been married for 3 years now and my DH and I's sex life is almost non existent. We engage in activity maybe once every two months.

When we were dating, there was passion and much more intimacy than now. Once we were married, things changed. I don't have any reason to believe that he is involved with anyone else. He does show me affection such as hand holding, kissing, and hugging, but that is where it stops!

I have talked to him about how one of my needs is that of physical intimacy on more of a regular basis, but the feeling that I get from him is that he is "okay" with things being "mediocre". He says he wants to have more sex but doesn't give me reasons as to why we don't. I am so confused, not to mention getting self concious about myself.

*He does work one week on and one week off shift work. He works 14 hr days and comes home every morning, so I don't expect physical intimacy on those weeks that he works, but nothing is happening on his off weeks either.

Thank you for listening.

I am 32 next month and DH is 35. No children.

To my knowledge he doesn't view porn. I haven't seen traces of it or had an incling of that.
UA time: during his work week there is none. There cannot be I leave for work and he is just getting home. I come home from work and he is leaving...literally.
On his off weeks we try to get in at least 15 hrs a week.

For the most part except the physical EN. We talk, laugh, touch and show affection, etc.

Me and my wife work opposite shifts. She works three 12 hour night shifts from 6PM to 6AM per week and I work a regular 9-5 (although flexible) M-F job. Not only that but she works every other weekend and often on a day after she works she is too tired to give undivided attention and goes to bed early.

We tried to plan our 15 hours together this week but even when planning on getting a baby sitter the most we could come up with was 11 hours. We are doing reasonably well sticking to our schedule this week so far.

She feels the 15 hours (and the whole program for that matter) is a burden and that she is already stretched thin from working full time and taking care of the house and 6 kids. The issue is that she is the main one who is unhappy in the relationship (or perhaps just with her life in general), she had the affair, so I consider her to be the one that most needs things to change yet she is the one resistant to change. I feel stuck in that I can't make her happy if we don't have the time, but making the time is a burden (she doesn't enjoy affection or conversation RC or SF) and I have to be careful not to make demands on her time or in asking her to do the lessons to avoid LB. She would rather just watch television and relax with her free time (often shows we do not agree enthusiastically about)and suggesting turning off the tv for UA is not a suggestion she likes either. She seems unhappy with how things are but unwilling to change. Maybe this is all a bit unfair since she did agree to the 11 hours and we have been following it so far (well one day of planned UA so far).

The main point I wanted to make is we just don't seem to have the time. Will we be able to get by on less than 15 hours? Maybe 11 hours one week and 15 the next might be possible. How can I convince my wife that this is what she wants and that it is not a burden, should I just leave that task up to our coach? I have suggested in the past that she switch to a day shift but she is very resistant to that idea(she turns it in to a fight if I even bring up the idea) even though her schedule wears her out.

AglitterRogue07:

Your schedule is like the national budget deficit: You've taken on more commitments than you can afford. Your coach will try to help you create a new schedule that will cut back on your responsibilities, and rearrange your priorities. Your highest priority will be taking time to meet each other's emotional needs. The next highest will be to be together as a family.

You've grown apart largely because your lifestyle choices have prevented you from growing together. Working the same shift will be essential so that you can sleep together and be awake together. Our goal for you will be to become partners in everything so that you can make Love Bank deposits instead of withdrawals. The change will be difficult at first, but it will save your marriage. Your coach will be there to help both of you do what needs to be done when you don't feel like doing it. Keep your eyes on the goal, and the changes will eventually feel comfortable.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

The 4 Intimate ENs are conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

What are HIS top ENs?
The Most Important Emotional Needs

His top are affection and recreational companionship

A couple of possibilities:

A habit of masturbation will kill the sexual part of a marriage, and it can be accomplished in a minute or two with none the wiser. This one is often lied about. Over time, masturbation creates such a contrast effect that it seems more pleasurable and definitely easier than vaginal intercourse. Premature ejaculation can sometimes be indicator.

A low level of testosterone is another potential problem area. This one can at least be tested.

His work schedule sounds like it could be a real problem. He's working 14 hour days for a week, coming home early in the morning, with the next week off. Does he switch his off-week hours to more closely match yours?

When you ask him why he's not interested in more sex, ask him for his reasoning. It's unusual for a man in his 30's not to be interested in sex.

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On his off week he is here at home all day and I come home about 4 p.m. and tell him hello with a kiss and the dog! Then I quickly get my workout in to better myself and my health for no more than an hour. By that time we eat, shower, and always sit on the sofa and watch tv. It's like all of the passion that we once had has fizzled.

I agree that we don't have enough UA time. With his shift it's impossible unless he changes shifts and there are no openings and he has applied at several places for what he is qualified to do, and there are no openings and no call backs.

I will look into the keylogger, but I have a feeling that that's not it. He watches tv when I am not home like sports and wrestling. The computer is the same exact way that I leave it.