It would explain some of my tears that would have left people wondering

Sorry, have exposed to my boss and he self exposed to his boss

Think of an potential urban renewal site, friend.

The first step is knocking down the existing, condemned structures. Then comes the effort involved in implementing the building of new edifices from approved designs.

You seem to have "blown up" the unwanted behavior well enough (except for your children). But have you followed any of the remaining MB Program as to establishing a surfeit of UA time, and observing the policies of O&H? Have you and he completed and studied the ENQs? It appears you gave up just when the WORK was necessary to complete the project.

And last of all, you need to address your drinking issues. Affair recovery is difficult enough without the anesthetization provided by alcohol.

To fully reply, as a result of the exposure which was via email to family and friends I had replies wishing us well but surprisingly no real in depth responses and no follow ups past the initial response. I felt cheated of support but we are away from family and friends and many we have not seen for 2 years. Surprisingly a couple of H friends emailed me with very kind words. Surprisingly one of his sisters and his closest friend have not contacted him. His sister did contact me with her best wishes.
If Im truly honest I feel somewhat abandoned in my hour of need but Im trying to reconcile that people have their own issues to worry about etc, perhaps some knew and have run for cover. Any thoughts on this subject.
It upsets me.
Interesting though, none of the wives of his new friends who I have met here have said a word to me, that's hard as most of them were in my house yesterday accepting our hospitality which I struggled with hugely. I knew last night was wrong for me I wasn't ready to play happy host but my husband was keen to surround himself with friends.
The result was unpleasant and tearful and a very memorable New year for the wrong reasons.
However I can be woman enough to say iin this vulnerable state I must ban myself from alcohol, it makes me emotional and volatile.

Just to add that H was accepting of the exposure not after the exposure of the old affair but after the exposure of the one night stand that lasted 2 days and only ended because he had to fly out of the country but I read some very very loving texts to her but not so much from her. It was like an intense holiday romance that ends as soon as he holiday ends. It made me ick to my stomach.

My husband tells me these infidelities occurred out of a need for love and sex and he never felt I loved him and he never got much sex from me....
He forgets how much he loved to go out with the boys, get drunk as a skunk, be involved in rugby and working shifts plus as many extr shifts as possible leaving me at home holding 2 babies a million miles from any family support.
I knew what t was like being a single mother whilst I was actually married....

However I can see now where all our problems started..

Hello 1366. I just hopped on to check in and saw your post. I had been keeping up with your thread and am sorry that you are needing to post here today. I am glad you did though. There are some wonderful people here who can help you.

I know your emotions are all over the place, so don't make any rash decisions or say anything rash right now. Just breathe deep. This is going to take a while, so just try to center yourself.

Please know that you can't control anyone but yourself. That is sometimes the HARDEST thing to accept. It comes into play everytime you want for something or need something that is not something wanted, needed or cared about by your H.

If he is writing that he won't stay in the marriage, that is pretty significant!! He writes that, but tells you he wants to make the marriage work???? He is NOT being honest with you. He is not showing by his heart that he wants to recover the marriage. He is trying to "do all the right things." He is trying "to not do the wrong things." But, it doesn't seem that he is putting his true, personal heart into the effort.

Please know that you cannot really trust what he is saying right now. He is trying to do the right things and that is a start. Have you both taken the Emotional Needs Questionaire? Also, ask him to sit down with you and together you both read a chapter of SAA or part of a chapter at a time and discuss it. If he wants something to get better, then he is also going to have to be part of making changes to enable positive change to happen. You can't fix the marriage by yourself. What you can do, however, is work on yourself. Become your best self. It is hard to do while living in the problems, but we slide backwards and develop bad behaviors and habits, especially in bad marriages. So, despite what your H says, does or wants, YOU can work on changing YOU!!

I don't know why your H is emotionally disconnected. It could be for many different reasons. Let's hope that it is b/c you haven't been meeting his needs or maybe he doesn't even know what his greatest needs are. The good news is that this can be changed.

We are all in or have been in the same boat as you 1366... We will be here to help you through this. Please know that you are not wrong in wanting and needing what you want and need. The problem comes in when you want it an need it from someone else who can't give it. You have been through the ringer, have been manipulated, gaslighted, hurt and are upside down. Everyone here will help you begin to see clearly and help build you back up. They are wonderful about that here!!

Thank you NeverGuessed,

I did not complete my tasks necessary and this is a result. Perhaps I have been expecting all to sort itself out but I see what work needs doing and then we can move forward and only then.
You and a dear friend have given me the nudge In the right direction today, she guided me back here to MB and you have cleared some fog off my road and I can see the neon sign saying' This Way'

The alcohol is gone, that's a certain thing........

You are very welcome, friend.

THIS PROGRAM WORKS! There can't be a more powerful endorsement than that.

Stay committed to the principles and steps. Post here frequently (daily is good), and not only when you have problems. Ask about strategies pro-actively and those problems will decrease in frequency.

We want your marriage to thrive.

Is your WH an alcoholic?

No my WH is not an alcoholic but when he socializes he drinks a lot of booze however he remains happy and calm hence doesn't get volatile.
Saying that it has been a problem for a longtime and I think he now recognizes that so he has not been going out and moderates his drinking now including New Years Eve, it was I who had more than intended, saying that once , we had words after midnight he then drank excessively.
I am now not drinking at all in a social environment now as I can't trust myself not to get emotional etc.

I'm sorry a wife bee icthing her husband is no justification for the husband to get drunk.

You and your husband need to quit the alcohol.

If you have to drink to enjoy what you are doing then that means what you are doing is not worth while because you can't do it without alcohol to make it pleasant.

When I was in college I knew a group of guys that always had to get stoned/refer before they did something. After a year of doing that one of them stopped partaking.

He said why do I have to get high to enjoy whatever, wherever, we are going to go/do that night.

A point that is very valid.
It's also made me realize most any nasty fights we have ever had have been fueled by alcohol .
Enough is enough.....

Thank you

Feeling miserable this morning and couldn't get up quick enough to post and feel like Im being heard.

I'm struggling with my husband at the mo , although being hes not doing anything untoward actually not doing anything to indicate that he is affected by the affairs either.

I'm posting, reading and keeping a steady pace each day but I feel he owes me that extra effort, the cuddles, the texts etc, even making an effort to read Surviving an Affair instead of asking me to read it to him which I have to get the tv turned off first to do so.

I'm feeling completely non intimate towards him and just feel like he is used goods, I'd really love to not think about him having sex with one of 2 other women when I look at him periodically.

Why am I having to do all the repair work even if I am lets say to be fair part responsible for my WH having sex with 2 OW, which I struggle to accept. He seems to think being very busy with work, being tired, playing with is daughters and generally being normal/ nice with me is enough.
Shouldn't there be way more coming from him or am I being naive.....

Should I just suck it up and be the greater person and lead him in what is required e.g keep insisting tv off, listen to chapters of the book nightly?
Print off questionnaires and give them to him to fill out, if I ask him to take the lead it could be a long wait.

If Im honest please forgive me for saying this but it's something I need to get out of my mind and on paper but because the affairs are not current and I have found out way post event I don't think my H or anyone I have exposed to appreciates the pain or trauma this has caused me. I almost feel cheated in that fact that its all done and dusted and so Im looked upon as "well at least the worst is over" but it's only just begun really for me. Saying this please be assured having walked in on a boyfriend of several years in bed with another girl years ago, I do know that shock and pain and I would not wish for anybody to experience it ever.

Could I also ask opinions on my husband wanting to go to his nephews wedding in a few months in another country when I cannot get time off work..... In a moral dilemma over this one but saying that he insists he is going anyway.

With wayward husbands Dr. H says they must show by their actions that they want to do the work of what it takes to recover.

If he will not do the work then you must think about separating.

What has he DONE to work on recovery? Anything?
Excellent radio clip where Dr. H talks about what a WH should do for his wife to give him another try after his affairs. He explains it like an addict.

Radio Clip on a WH on what to do to get back with his wife 3:50 mark

Also have you seen this?

Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair

Hello Lb3,

I have just been re reading my posts to help me though the day and Lund your reply which somehow I'd missed before.
Thank you for the reminder I can only control myself and not my husband. My emotions are all over the place and I do feel upside down.
Interesting to read he is only do the right things but his heart is not in it. I think maybe that's been our whole marriage.
I am relying on becoming my best self because of this experience and that's my positive from a negative.

Perhaps that is my best foot forward with the knowledge all can be changed.

Your final paragraph has lifted me this morning and for that I thank you.....

Just read it , thanks for the link ....very useful..

Listened to radio today, it was worthwhile, my WH had a listen too and seems more receptive or should I say appreciates what is needed by me to help the recovery process.

Definitely got nice texts from him today and feeling better for it but so much needs to be done yet.

Life sure is a challenge isn't it.......

What are HIS actions showing you? Not his words, his actions?

Was that you on the radio show? The challenges are what make life worth living! Are you guys in recovery then? Is he still in an affair? Have you read his needs her needs, lovebusters and surviving the affair?

His actions I can sum up are an effort to communicate and listen far more effectively than ever before.
Loving gestures..
Staying at home and declining invites out with friends/ coworkers.

Sorry to sound ignorant despite posts and reading but could you suggest that would be expected at this point, approx 2 months after DD.?