No, he doesn't value what I do, even though it's something we agreed to. But he is at least intellectually aware of how difficult it is. It isn't uncommon that he takes the kids so that I can work a couple of hours a day from home and bring in some income, during this time he frequently loses it. The crying and screaming is unbearable to him. He expects me to stop working and help him out, and if I don't, he will loudly complain that my job is worthless and isn't worth his time. That in that case, my having a job is unfair to him because now he has to take the kids! I will say he isn't like this as much anymore, but if my working and him having the kids inconveniences him, the suddenly it's my working(not NOT working) that is problematic.

I agree on your idea of fair, and I do think he wants a roommate. He told me long ago that his ideal woman would be waiting home for him in bed when he got home early in the morning from entertaining. And honestly, no one who superficially knows him could ever guess him to say that. It's even hard for me to believe sometimes. His FC is very high, and yet, I still believe a big part of him wants me to be the anchor at home while he goes out and off and does whatever he decides to in life(which he doesn't and hasn't during our marriage). I just think it's what he think he'd prefer. Furthermore, I need to do this smiling and content with whatever he decides I deserve in return. In this way, he can seem so cold, but oftentimes he is such a caring person. He witnessed mostly roommate marriages growing up, and while he will tell you that he hated it, perhaps he feels safe with the familiarity and incapable of offering more. He laughed when I told him I wanted a best friend in him years ago.

Where does this leave me? The cyclical nature of our relationship is maddening. He was reading HNHN last week and we were doing great, and this week has decided that it's boring and time wasting. This is typical. He is bored very easily. He actually said that romance is for new relationships and that relationships are exciting because they are new, but there is nothing exciting about talking to the same person all the time, particularly since he already knows everything about me and sees me all the time. This is why he wants me to go away for awhile. Then maybe I'll be interesting to him again. What can I do beyond what I'm doing?

teetering, my H was a little like yours. he was raised by a SAHM, and enjoys the benefits of one - tidy house, a "real" dinner made, all his business tended to. however, he *also* wants the comfortable lifestyle from our second income, and has always felt that married SAH-women basically were leeches (ugh - where do they get this idea from?? this really bugged me, as i have worked ever since i was 16, except for the first two years after i had dd - and then i worked from home). it did not seem to occur to him that he was raised by a *single* SAHM (dad died when he was 5), who was supported by a benefit (widow's pension) so she could raise the kids, and no male role model to see how the other half worked. it seemed to me like a whole lot of "i want the best of both worlds, and *you* have to do all the hard work and make it happen." it used to really piss me off, and we would argue over it a *lot.*

it took a while (this was years ago) for me to demonstrate how i could a) be a SAHM or b) work full time, but that i was *not* able to do both. (i know many women do, and my hat's off to them. i can't do it.) so we found compromises. when we lived stateside, i taught evening classes so i could have my days free. i have a weekly cleaner. he helps out a lot with the daily stuff (dinner, dishes, etc).

what it came down to was communicating our needs in a MB way, and coming up with *solutions.* i think your H is in the not-ready-for-MB state. so what it comes down to is this: you either need to be able to wake him up from this self-centered thinking or go into plan b. if he is refusing to meet your ENs, dr harley recommends plan b. what do you think?

before i sign off - where do we stand in wayward land here? is there an OP?

Hi there! Your past situation is remarkably similar to mine. In my husband's and my case, there are some cultural differences that are also contributing to these issues. It's boiling down to expectations not being met.

We hardly spoke at all today. Usually we speak throughout the day superficially. He came to me after work and offered to watch MB videos on Youtube. I'd be excited if it weren't for the fact that this type of thing is also typical. My challenge may be to keep things new and exciting for him, because for him, if it aint shiny, it aint happening.

Plan B seems implausible because I have no family nearby and no ability at this moment to support my own household. What are some things others have done in this situation? He is certainly trying to convince me that my needs are ridiculous.

As for waywardness, I'm not inclined to believe he's had any affair. My husband's always been detached as much, his behavior is not new. I've never had an affair of any kind. We have our passwords to online sites saved now thanks to some suggestions on here and we've always shared a cell and a car. It's a rare year when we go somewhere overnight without the other, even one night. I can only think of a handful of times in our marriage. I feel mostly secure as far as fidelity is concerned.

have you checked out the link mel just posted about the video series for HNHN? i'm sure it would be helpful to you, especially if he's willing to do video.

Not just yet. Headed there now.