Hi All,

I can�t believe it�s taken me this long to post my story on MB, especially after reading the books. I suppose I've been in denial that what is happening is beyond my control, that I could somehow fix it. I am at whit�s end and need some serious help or advise as everything I have tried has been for naught so far. It seems after reading the 37 points of divorce busting and other posts on the site I have made some really big mistakes on how to handle this, I hope it�s not too late to change my strategy. Anyway here�s my story, its long as it�s been going on for some time but in order to paint a full picture I should start at the beginning ��..

In April 2011 my wife (together for 15 years and married for 10, met at the age of 20) was 4 months pregnant with our second child. We hit a wobble and spoke of divorce. My wife was not happy in the marriage and felt we were totally different people and that I was too strong willed and minded for her. We spoke at length and both agreed that we still love each other and should therefore work on our marriage. She put her feelings down to hormones during the pregnancy. Anyway we patched things up really well, holidays to Mauritius etc and really connected again, but it was short lived and we didn�t explore the true issues in the marriage. Then came the sickness, she was very very ill for the rest of the pregnancy, suffered from pre natal depression and was hospitalized many times during a very difficult pregnancy. The birth itself was also very tough and then post natal depression kicked in. We fought through it though and we were there for each other every step of the way.

During all of this we both decided living in the UK was not where we wanted to live indefinitely and we should immigrate. I wanted to go to Oz and she wanted to return back to our home country of South Africa. I was against this due to the uncertain economic and political climate of the country, not to mention the high crime rate. Eventually I gave in as I knew this would make her happy and agreed to return to SA. Then something happened which would change my life forever. I was offered a one year contract in China to set up businesses for a global IT company. The package was enormous and we both agreed it would be a good idea financially for us to do this for a year, save money that would set us up for our new life in SA. So we took the plunge. I took redundancy (with big payout) from my job and headed to China for a year, on my own.

This was not an easy decision to make but my W gave me full support. I bought a large 5 bedroom house for her so she could be nearer her sister and in bigger and better premises, new big car to carry the extended family, a full time live in nanny and extra credit cards to assist with the finances. I tried to make life as accommodating as possible for her as we both knew it would be very difficult. We made a huge sacrifice in both our lives as we had a plan and were committed to fulfilling it. I agreed with my new employer that I would take a few days off work to return to the UK every 5 to 6 weeks, which I have done to date. In fact I returned for a week only 3 weeks into my contract to assist with the move into the new house (did not go down lightly with my employer but it had to be done).

After the first 2 months things were going well. I returned as promised and the relationship seemed fine. We missed each other and enjoyed each other�s company immensely, the sex was also fantastic again. Then 3 months in I get a call whereby she is in tears as she misses me and wants to know if we are sound financially. I immediately come home for a few days to ensure she is ok. Things seem fine and we confess our love for each other over and over again.

She then returns to work after 10 months on maternity leave (I am now 3 months into my contract). Something we both advocated as she has a decent job and enjoys working, she� just not a stay at home Mom. I agree as it makes her happy and I�m sure it feels like she is getting her life back after a very dark period.

Within a month of being back at work (I�m 4 months into the contract now) I get a call from her. She sounds very distant and depressed ��. She drops the clanger, �I want a divorce�. �I love you but I�m not in love with you� and �I�m just not attracted to you anymore� were the main words I remember. My life feels like it has just ended. I immediately fly back for a week to gain an understanding of what is going on. I�m not given much information - it�s like pulling teeth - she feels we just aren�t connected anymore. Apparently I am such a strong minded person and I know what I want in life and I am determined to get it, she has been living my life and not hers. She feels that she is losing her identity. She also mentioned something along the lines of she wants romance and passion in her life. I asked her umpteen times if there was someone else in the picture to which she denies profusely.

This all took place in August 2012. I have taken the stance that I need to finish this contract so have been back and forth to the UK and China many times trying to understand and sort this issue out. Rightfully or wrongfully to stay in China during all this I thought it the best move to give her space. Also to end my contract within the year will incur huge penalties for breaking the contract, both financial and future career prospect wise. I continue supporting her and the children financially and provide many extravagances that any other person in my situation would not. We have been on holidays to the Alps, the Caribbean etc since the news. In fact after the one holiday things were looking up. She mentioned when I get back in March 2013 we should see a therapist to try patch things up and see if we can move this marriage forward.

Then soon after a great holiday and a plan to get things moving in the direction of reconciliation my worst fears become a reality. I receive evidence of an affair. She is seeing someone from work and has been since before I left. The evidence I received was undisputed � naked pictures of each other. One of them saying �look at my new tan lines I got for you while on holiday� (yes the one I paid for and we went on as a family in the Caribbean). I confront her about it and she reverts back to type � �I want a divorce�. All the hard work and talk of reconciliation is for nothing. The conversations that follow are very bad. I finally lose my lid, call her every name under the sun and basically tell her to go F*&$ herself and I�ll see her in court. To which she replies fine.

On my next visit I back track and become a soft imbecile. This only strengthens her position and resolve. She says she has ended her affair as she knows it was wrong and thoughtless, but I know she hasn�t, it still continues.

During the whole ordeal I have made many mistakes. Crying, pleading, snooping, appearing desperate, gifts and trying to convince her otherwise, talking of suicide etc (which I did seriously contemplate at one stage).

I am at a total loss and hope I haven�t made any irrecoverable mistakes during this. I have run out of options and need to change something as my current approach is not working. If anyone has any advise I�m all ears. I have a wife who despite all that has happened and all that she has done to me I still love very much and who I know loves me but is scared to recommit to the marriage, I have a 3.5 year and 11 month old child that I would like to save from all this pain and keep in my life as much as possible. I am running out of ideas, my confidence and self worth is at an all time low, but one thing I have in spades and that is hope. Can I convert this hope to action?

Welcome to MB.

Is the OM married?

Since you're aware of MB, you know the next step is to expose and especially at the workplace.

Please read and come back with your plan.
Exposure 101

Hi. No the OM is not married.

Exposure 101 seems very extreme. I would love to do this but I am not sure if I could cope with the after math, also would it destroy any hope of a reconciliation? Would she just be so mad at me that it drives her closer to him and resents me even more?

Hi L&F welcome to MB.

Affairs thrive in secrecy, exposure is the best tool for killing the A and injecting some reality into the fantasy. When others know about the A they can hold your WW accountable. Keeping quiet only enables the A and the longer it continues without any interference the more entrenched the A becomes.

Exposure is a key factor in marital recovery, many FWS actually realise and appreciate the benefits when they defog. Marital recovery is not possible whilst the A is active.

Yes your WW will very likely become angry ... that is a good thing an angry WS means exposure was effective. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger.

Waywards all follow a pattern of behaviour ... re write the history of the marriage, denigrate BS, spin how they "got together after separation/divorce etc" Exposure is your opportunity to tell the truth and correct any false stories that have/will be told.

Read the exposure link posted by Brainhurts, many BS have intitally feared exposure but have realised the benefits once they exposed the A... some have posted on that link others on various threads on this board.

I know it seems counterintuitive, but its the best shot you have at killing the A.

Also read the thread posted by Fireproof at the top of the SAA forum this has very useful information and with guidance from fellow MBers will provide you with a plan.

L&F, we understand you still love your WW and want to recover your marriage, the majority of BS on this forum feel the same.

Take care and post any questions you may have.

thanks Brain Hurts and happy future for taking the time to respond.
In my heart I know its the right thing to expose the affair, but to the extent that is advised on here, wow. Talk about going for the kill.

I will more than likely do it - as you say, I love her still very much (why I do not know after all she has put me through)and will do anything to keep a marriage and a family together.

The issue I have is I'm not sure if it will help my cause. When I found out about the affair , in October and confronted her about it, she was very remorseful (never apologized though) and guilty. But then she blamed me for it and said the A has nothing to do with the fact she wants a divorce.

She stated right from the beginning that it was more to do with me and us. That I am too controlling and set in my ways, she feels she is walking on egg shells around me (I sound like a monster, trust me I am not. I am a very caring loving husband)and that she is not living her life. Once I confronted her about the A sh still states that she would want a divorce if the OM was not involved.

So my question is if I expose and the A ends, will that do any good? Should I rather not be concentrating on the causes of our issues that lead to her thoughts of divorce.

She says she is surprised I am fighting this so much. She thought I would agree to the D as she did not feel I loved her. Now I confess my love for her (yes I did not do that enough in the past) and this is my main reason why I do not want to D, but she does not believe me. Should I rather not concentrate on proving my love for her. Showing love deposits.

If I expose, this will p*ss her off even more.

Also I am in China at the moment, due to head back to UK for good in March. If I expose now, will it be futile as I am a million miles away?

confused and at a loss?

Exposure is not extreme, it is however your best possible chance to save your marriage.

Hello Lost;

So sorry for your pain.

Yes, exposure seems extreme. It may be counter-intuitive, but it works to kill the affair. In no threads I have read here, has a Betrayed Spouse ever regretted exposure. Many have regretted NOT exposing (or not exposing "big" enough... myself included...)

Your attempts at meeting your Wayward Wife's needs will not be effective while she is in an active A. You have to kill it first. Exposure is job 1.

The goal of most waywards is to deflect attention from their affair and focus the blame on the betrayed spouse. This is a pretty standard manipulation tactic.


You should focus on the cause of the affair, which is her poor boundaries around men and your traveling job. You do realize that your traveling job makes it impossible to sustain a marriage and impossible to RECOVER your marriage? What can you do to change this?


Yes, we know this. But our goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid her anger at all costs. If your goal is simply to avoid her anger, then your marriage will not make it.

Exposure is the best weapon against an affair. Your only hope is to kill the affair because then you have a chance to work on the problems in the marriage. Please read the threads on exposure on the first thread in this forum.

You should do BOTH. You should use a carrot and a stick. Kill her affair AND make love deposits.

Giving her "space" is a disaster. It only serves to facilitate the affair.

Put it this way

exposure will not ruin the chance or reconciliation

but

without it you will not be able to have the possibility to recover and rebuild on a solid base.

Exposure DOES cause the wayward to make proclamations about how it ruins the marriage even more, etc. They get nasty. Hissing, spitting mad.

Don't let fear of your spouse having a major tantrum scare you into not doing it.

Do not let your fear guide you.

Thanks all and as always its amazing how the views of someone not gripped in the midst of "my Feelings and fears" can shed an unbelievable amount of light on the matter.

OK so I am convinced that exposure is the ONLY way to go. If I want to save my marriage I need this affair to end before I can get to the real issues of our relationship. While the OM is in the picture there is no way she will listen to voice or reason,is their?

Its amazing how I realize now (after learning so much about the fog and affair addiction) that most of what she has said is absolutely not true. She has totally repainted me and our marriage to family and friends into something which I do not recognize. Everything I have said so far (and its been very logical and true) has been denied by her. So I get it now, if I am ever to get through to her and she truly listens and understands me this guy has got to go.

I have no problem telling family, friends etc but to go to the work place, whoa, could this not lead to her dismissal?

I am fearful, very.I suppose I'm just looking for reassurances from those that have done this got results which they were happy with.

As for my travelling, that will all end soon. So I hope I can get the marriage back on track when it does. Do I wait until I head back home to expose, so I can deal with the after math effectively, or do I go for the kill now?

agreed. I had no idea about the affair until 7 weeks ago. I have since made attempts to head back home.

Quick question. If I go thermal nuclear on this - including exposing to her work as the OM is a work colleague, do I need to have sufficient evidence? not to prove to her work but in case she sues for slander?

To date the evedence I have is:

phone records, pictures of him and her in each others arms at office parties, naked pictures she sent him and pictures of his private parts (she left them on the home computer.

Is this enough? I say it is?

Please read.
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Exactly! The OM is her drug. Think of her as an alcoholic who is under the influence of alcohol. Exposing the affair gives you the best chance of taking the drink out of her hand. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it causes it to crumble. There are no guarantees, but this is your BEST HOPE.


Rewriting history is a classic tactic of a wayward.


Does she work with the OM? If so, it does need to be exposed there. And dismissal would be a blessing because she would have to leave that job anyway. There is no way to recover your marriage as long as she works with the OM. If she doesn't work with him, there is no need for a workplace exposure.

Any children over the age of 4-5 should be informed too.


Almost every recovered marriage on this forum attributes it to exposure. Those who don't expose always regret it because they usually don't make it. There are no guarantees, but it greatly increases your chances of saving your marriage.


I can't think of any reason why you can't do it now, but when will you be home?

That is plenty of evidence. You might want to set up a little webpage with the evidence and send out a link to it. This way, there is no way they can deny it. You have them dead to rights.

Does the OM have a facebook page? If so, I would go copy and paste his contacts into a word doc for exposure. Exposure to his family will be a very, very effective exposure because it ruins any future hope of integrating your wife into his family.

Is the OM married?

phone records, pictures of him and her in each others arms at office parties, naked pictures she sent him and pictures of his private parts

Dude, (the US equivalent of "chap"), what more could you possibly need? Used condoms? In addition to your electronic evidence, you have her tacit admission of her affair.

You ask, worriedly "Won't I be putting her employment at risk?" Wrong mind-set, my friend. Your attitude should be, excitedly, "And I know exposure will possibly result in her termination!" because her staying at that job in the case of recovery is already forfeit.

Here's the basic situation: Her life, with all its diverse elements, led her to look outside her marriage to source Emotional Needs that she should have been getting from you. Your key goal right now is to disrupt as much of the lifestyle as you can. Reducing her to penury and forcing dependence on you financially is very much a tool in your toolbox.

Most BHs take months to learn this fact, but you're having it given to you on MB Day 1. Until the affair is killed - stake through the heart killed - you and she are NOT allies. You are opponents, possibly even enemies, in the fight deciding whether to destroy, or save your marriage.

Steel your heart, my friend. Strap up and go to war!

The truth is a defense to slander. And no wayward is crazy enough to sue for slander because they risk having to prove their case in court. If she does, that would be great, because you could subpeona their records.