I will try and keep this short. My husband and I only dated for a few months before marrying. We lived in separate towns and he always made the trip to see me. I knew he had been still seeing "sleeping" with his ex wife before we got together. When he proposed to me she threw a fit and claimed false pregnancy. Because we were "in love" I dismissed her actions and assumed all would die down after a while or my husband would take action. After 3 months of marriage I realized I was fooled and he was still attached to her. I stayed hoping things would get better but I became very angry and resentful. After 18 months we were both ready to throw in the towel because of the fighting over his ex wife. He then started seeking her for advise on his marital problems which led them to having an affair. After 7 months of him going back and forth between us, his ex wife cheated on him and he said he wanted to repair our marriage. Things were good for the first 4 months but then he wanted to have his ex wife come to our church for his daughters baptismal. I told him I haven't had enough time to heal and he kept pushing the issue. He contacted another exgirlfriend for advise and I moved out. Then I found out that he contacted his ex wife again and told her about his marital problems. After reading everything on the Marriage Builders site I have not come across anything about an affair with an ex spouse. All I read is about moving and having no contact, but with 2 children can I expect that of him? And will this ever work, will he ever move past her while raising children together?

GET.........OUT!

Soap operas are marginally entertaining on TV. No one should agree to live in one!

I did but he has asked that I come back and give it until May to see if he has changed.

Re, I would only agree to give this guy a chance *IF* he agrees to end all contact for life with his XW and to end all opposite sex friendships and dramatically change his lifestyle to prevent another affair. What is he willing to do to protect you from another affair?

Married 18 mos, affair with exW who he shares children with, no kids with you, you saw the after three months ...I'd cut my losses.

Don't believe him.

RUN! ... you can do so much better for yourself.

I have to say that I tend to agree with the others about getting out. Your H is a playah whose goal is to add as many chicks as possible to his harem.

Sounds like my WW POSOM. I agree get out!

And that's the point at which you should have left the relationship. A man who strings along an ex in this way will never have enough from one woman. Some affairs involve a formerly honest person who has been foolish and made a one off mistake.

MB an help restore someone to their former personality

Your H has always been a cheat and a playah.



When he talks, stuff cotton in your ears. I am serious.

His plan is not to change (What is he DOING to change? Getting a magic wand?! I love the 'if!') His plan is to beat you down and brainwash you into accepting his lies

Which he has done successfully from day one with you.

I agree 110%, get out of the marriage as fast as you can.

Something you can learn about yourself. You are prone to jumping into the pool before checking to see if the water is deep enough. If you had said you got engaged after a few months, but waited awhile to marry .... I might say you are a romantic. However, you married in a rush for reasons that are neurotic, not romantic. Neurotic meaning you made this life altering decision based on stressful feelings (fear, anxiety, depression, insecurity, loneliness, desperation, obsession, etc). You can learn about yourself and you can be resolved to change how you will make decisions in the future. In fact, you have an opportunity to change right now.



This was the source of your anxiety. Dating a man who was with his XW made you feel anxious.


He likes to keep both his women anxious and on unstable ground. He knows they make illogical choices that way. He proposed marriage to you in order to increase her anxiety. Her neurosis kicked in and in desperation, she claimed she was pregnant.


You were as clinging and as desperate and just as anxious as his XW. This man chooses women with this trait.



What happened? Certainly this sudden awareness did not arise spontaneously. Something happened.


Anger and resentment towards him was well deserved. However, you willingly married a man you already knew was a cheating 2-timer. What I fail to see is any self reflection and insight into how you volunteered for the role of the betrayed new wife. He treated his XW badly. You witnessed this. Yet, you thought he would be different with you. Think about this. Think about this in the sense that you look at your own weaknesses that made you vulnerable to falling for this sort of situational quagmire.




What were the rules of conduct that were discussed and mutually agreed upon before marriage?
..... There were none. Am I correct?
You dated. You had intense feelings for him. You began to feel that you needed him. You felt you could change him after marriage. You were sexually intimate almost immediately, right? You let him into your body without any established ground rules. he was already having sex with his XW.


Can't you see, they are the perfect fit for each other. They live by the same chaotic set of behaviors. Both making snap decisions based on the feelings of the moment. Do either of them conduct themselves with dignity or self respect?
No.
This is their life-style, and you have been dragged into it as a sort of "extra player", someone who adds to their drama, but who will never be the *star* of the show.


You use an interesting word.
"Expect".
An expectation is something that is very likely to occur.
You already know the answer to this question. You know that you cannot "expect" no contact with his XW. This is their dance. Not yours.



Reallyupset, I am so sorry you fell into their quagmire. He is a man who does not "move past" as you say. Why? Because he is not a man who learns from his mistakes. He is not really a mature man at all. He is a little boy. Selfish. Immature. Impulsive. Prone to change direction without any warning.

But the thing is, you were warned. Why did you ignore the obvious?
This is what you need to question as you head towards the courthouse to file for an annulment. He married you to "get back at" his wife. They punish each other for the chaos they have constructed together by each dragging another person into the situation to shove into each other's faces.

THIS is why others have said:
"Get out!".

Yes, they are correct. Get out. But get smart too. Wise up. Look towards being alone for at least a year. No dating. Learn to tolerate and to manage your anxieties before you try to fall back in love.

PS:

And if you think things are bad now .... imagine those 2 children and the future destructive behaviors they will indulge in as they try to grow up. Both of their parents have done nothing to increase their safety and security. These will be 2 screwed up anxious children who will serve their parents "hell" on a paper plate. Soon. There is disaster on the menu and you want to know if the waiter will ever bring you the glass of water, as promised.

GET OUT.

excellent post Pep!

When I read your first post reallyupset, the same thing struck me -- you got yourself into the middle of THEIR relationship.
How long had they been divorced? And are you certain they were divorced?

Your husband's method of handling relationships is to have many of them overlapping.

You say you began arguing about XW and THEN he started an affair.
I say that its very likely already an affair at that point because your radar was obviously going off about her already. You didn't just bring it up out of nowhere - there was something already bothering you about the situation.

You now have 2 children in the middle of this mess.
Focus your time and energy on them - and get as far away as possible from your husband and his x?wife.

If I understand this correctly, the 2 kids in question are his and his XW's kids. I do not think this poster has any children.

ohmygosh - you're right.
she REALLY needs to cut bait and run.
Get out of the middle of this messed up family.

Yes not worth trying to stick around. Be greatful that you had no children with him. It is easier to cut and run when there are no children. My stbx had an affair with the X........I have children with stbx.......not a situation I would wish on anyone.

I can see Peps Wisdom in this post sticking out so vividly..I have been here for years and recognize just what she is saying very clearly.

Follow what she says..

Yes, remember falling in love is not a plan, its a fall..don't try to manufacture it, reguardless of the materials you think you might have.

Many people think they have the right materials...

I cry as I sit here because you said it perfectly. My desire for marriage got ahead of me. I didn't take the time to understand the situation and dismissed all warning signs. That is what has me all depressed and I have said it for 2 years, I got myself into this. One of my very bad faults is thinking I can change him. I know rationally that I can't. When I came to this site all I was searching for was someone to tell me how to change him. To give me a knew idea because I had tried so many. I will take your advise, I can see how my insecurities get in the way of my judgments. Thank each one of you for putting yourself out there for me.