I am new to this board, so I hope to connect with people who are in the same situation as me. I have been married to my husband for 19 years. We have two children, 14 & 11.

My husband has cheated(what I classify as cheating) on me at least 3 times throughout our marriage. The first time occurred after being married only 2 years. He was acting strange and my gut told me that he was not being faithful. I searched through his wallet and found a girl's number in his wallet. The next day I called her and of course she did not know he was married. When I confronted him, he of course denied it and when he finally admitted it, he tried to turn it around on me by saying I wasn't the same person he married. I had not changed, he just seemed to not be interested in me anymore. He said that he loved me and would do anything to keep from losing me. He swore to me that they did not have sex but he would not tell me what they did together. We agreed to work on our marriage.

He has to travel several times a year for his job and that is when the second time happened which was 5 years after the first affair. Again, he was acting weird and I felt suspicious again. I could not reach him so I called his phone and listened to his messages. There was a message from a girl telling him that she had a great time last night and for him to call her. I immediately hung up the phone and called his cell phone back and I left a message on his voicemail that we were done. He got my message and called me to tell me that he was catching the next plane home. He again swore that it would never happen again and that he only talked to this girl, so I stayed with him.

In October 2010, I gave birth to our third child 12 weeks early. Our son developed complications and died after just 24 days. It was the most painful and devastating thing I have ever been through. I really thought that we had grown closer through this tragic event. In February of 2011, he had to go on a two week trip. When he came home, I felt that suspicion once again. I checked his cell phone and he forgot to delete a text message. When I confronted him, he got angry with me and said nothing happened like that was a good enough answer. I contacted the girl and she was devastated. She told me that they went on a couple of dates. He took her places that he had never taken me, which hurt my feelings tremendously. He did kiss her but I think the most painful part is that he told her that his wife died during childbirth and then his son died 24 days later. We started seeing a marriage counselor and seemed to work through it and things have been going good up until about three months ago.

He was on a trip and I saw where he had called an escort service. When confronted he said that he chickened out and couldn't go through with it. He said the reason he was looking is because I don't give him sex enough but I give him sex whenever he wants it. I never turn him down so it is so confusing to me. In November, he created an account on some cheaters website where you can look for people discreetly. Then just this month, he created another account on another site. So I went on the site and created a fake name and profile to see if I could get him to talk to me. I looked at his emails and he has deleted every email that he has received without responding to any of the emails.

He has to leave on a trip to Las Vegas next weekend. He will be out there for 6 days then I will join him for a mini vacation for just the two of us. I am terrified that he is going to take the wrong path while he is out there. He does not know that I am aware of his most recent activity.

What do I do? Do I throw on the towel and say its not going to work? He will continue to hurt me, so why bother? Do I confront him before he goes to try to prevent him from being unfaithful?

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

MHH,

First thing, your WH is putting you at risk of catching AIDs or something else horrible from these random women he is hooking up. He has to be tested before he has sex with you again.

He sounds like a charming liar who has worked out a system for seducing women quickly.

God Bless
Gamma

I would prepare for another affair because you already know this is his pattern. The definition of insanity is making the same mistake over and over and over and over again and expecting a different result.

I am curious why you choose to live like this? How many times do you have to be hit over the head to wake up?

I only hope to God you are not having sex with this guy and are being tested monthly for STDs.

The only hope for your marriage is if your husband makes a radical 180 degree lifestyle change. That means no more travel, living a completely transparent lifestyle where you have access to everything and he is home every night. Ideally, you would work together all day because your husband is an accomplished playah who won't stop unless there is a powerful motivation.

I will tell you what to do. Go to him with a list of conditions that he needs to meet in order to stay with you. Otherwise, he needs to leave immediately, because you won't have a marriage. If he doesn't you should change the locks, go into Plan B [separation] and hire an attorney to make sure he supports you.

Here are the conditions he should meet:

1. never travel again unless it is with you

2. tell you the full truth about all his affairs - pass a polygraph

3. give you full access to all his phones, email accounts, computer - full transparency

4. find a career where you can be together all day

5. get STD testing

6. create a romantic, integrated marriage using the MB program

7. agree to never have any opposite sex friendships - no social networking

This is what it will take to save your marriage. Additionally, I would tell everyone in your families and your close friends about his affairs. The more people who know the more people to hold him accountable.

I would also expose all of his affairs to these women's husbands.

Dear MHH,

I am sorry you are here and I am sorry about your pain (both in your marriage and with the loss of your child).

Melody Lane will give you excellent advice which you should follow, even if it seems counterintuitive to you. Okay ?

I hope you don't believe that lame line your husband gave you about looking for other women because you didn't give him enough sex. YUCK. Him trolling for women is NOT your fault. He has dreadful boundaries, actually NO boundaries. He is degrading you, himself and these women he is playing with.

You do not have to tolerate this kind of cruelty.

So what does he claim he did with these other women, if "nothing happened" ?? Was he helping them with their taxes ?? Carrying their groceries to their car ?? You see the foolishness of his statements, right ?

Chin up. Be strong. Follow Mel's advice.

And just to add to the excellent advice...the idea that he told one of these women you had DIED just turns my stomach, I can't imagine how even counseling would address that abhorrent offense against you and against your son's memory.