My problems with dating and the freeloaders agreement.

Dating is in general, as correctly described by DrH, a freeloaders agreement.

You both negotiate an agreement to spend a night out, mostly centered around a recreational activity.
What I noticed when I reflect on all the past dates I had in life, this does not work for me.
It occurred numerous times, the date changed course while in progress.

While going to a concert, afterwards the girl decides to hang out in the park with some other people after the show, instead of taking the train back to the city or doing something we both agreed to. Hey we were on a date!

While agreeing to go to the beach together, the girl does not get in touch to cancel the date; instead doing something different without letting me know.

While having a nice conversation for an hour on a date, the girl receives a call from friends, promting her to abandon the date and hanging around her friends.

Yes, this fits in the part: 'we do whatever we feel we need right now, but will change whenever we feel fit.'

I cannot help this, but the freeloaders agreement -to me- breaths a lack of empathy and demonstrates selfish behaviour.
For me this is a dealbreaking situation and a red flag.

I think this also a reason why so many people, get involved in an emotional or physical relation real fast after two or three dates. I can count the girls I know, 'who want to be friends first', on one hand!
As soon as there is chemistry they subconsiously want to change to renter agreements ASAP�


Your thoughts?

I'm having problems with this too. There's the freeloader's approach - Dont expend too much time/energy/money on a potential date. Don't waste time chasing anyone who doesn't seem very keen.

This means we will end up with our 'likers'. People who are enthusiastic to be around us without us trying too hard. People whose needs we must meet effortlessly, because they like us without us even trying.

On the receiving end of that attitude though, you seem to come across a lot of people who are very careless and rude!

I think the freeloading approach should be limited to one, two dates tops. Then a more caring 'renters' attitude should be brought in.

I also think basic courtesy should apply even when applying the freeloading approach to a bunch of strangers. For example, dont make a date and cancel it without telling them. Dont make a big date, for all day or all evening, and then run off half way through because you've realised this isnt ever going anywhere.

My friends have advised me to make 'pre-dates' with people I dont know very well yet. A meeting for coffee for one or two drinks, with the understanding I have to be somewhere afterwards. That way you are freeloading, i.e. not too much energy/effort, but you aren't being rude if you scoot off early.

I don't call or see it as a date what you are describing..I call it meet up. I meet up the person first for a coffee or tea and if I enjoy their ways I might go to a date or maybe to another short coffee meet up ... I do not taken any first meet up seriously as I have not much real idea who is the person before me to begin with.

My opinion: try to relax. You are meeting all those strangers women for the first time, most you will not like or have a connection with anyways.

Good advice!

Yep, unfortunately I think a lot of people simply have poor manners and lack common courtesy these days. Freeloading should not equal thoughtless and/or rude.

x 3

you all assume I met those dates for the first time...
Actually I've met these women one or two times already before going to a concert, beach, whatever.
THESE ARE DATES!

Most women I know want too go FAST once there is a chemistry... They want to be kissed & held, so they can adopt a renter strategy (subconsiously). Failing to make a move or waiting too long and you will up in the Friendzone...

I think your picker is still broken my friend

oh dear I know! I am reflecting on the past if that was not clear!!! I am still in Thailand, not too much potential partners here, unless you want to 'rent' them :-p

But do anyone of you believe it is possible to date a single friend, you have known for years and start to build a romantic relationship from there???

lol


We are all different. I have never fallen for someone I have known for years as a friend and cannot imagine it happening because for me chemistry is very intense but chemistry is, after all, just a shortcut telling you that the subconscious finds this to be a possible match.

But if someone wanted a sexual relationship with me without first getting to know me, no amount of chemistry would offset the feeling that they did not care to find out who I was. I would find that very disturbing.

Yes. Dr Harley has said numerous times on the radio show that you can make someone fall in love with you by meeting their emotional needs

I will not let men pressure me to go fast than I am comfortable to..I have my plan and my own pace. If they will put me in a friends zone their problem not mine. How old are those women? At distance they seem too young and kind of desperate to find someone.

Do not let females manipulate you. Don't let chemistry fool you it might be just short lived hormonal surge, not real lasting chemistry.

People fall in love, not because of "chemistry" but because the other person does a good job of meeting their needs. We have examples of people who had affairs with life long "friends" over on the SAA. They never fell in love for years but given the right conditions and right amount of need meeting and they DID.

Sure, chemistry helps, but it won't sustain a relationship and it is not necessary to fall in love. I had ZERO chemistry with my DH when I met him and tried to avoid him. But after a few weeks of dating him, fell madly in love with him. Was it chemistry? Nope. It was because he did a great job of meeting my needs.

That would be a good thing to be relegated to the friendzone by a woman who jumps into bed too soon! Just think, if she puts out for you, she puts out for others! *puke*

Yes it is possible.

Not only that but I wouldn't even call such woman a "friend." If a person ditches you when something better comes her way or stands you up, that would be no "friend" of mine. At best, an acquaintance who I may say hello to if I ran into that person but a friend...no.

Aquantance is the word I meant in those 3 examples,
not 'friend', Black Raven.
(sorry English is not my first language)

I do not agree. Chemistry fooled me more than once...
I agree there should be some initialy, but for me this is only a distraction... blurring the stuff that is more important, such as red flags.

Then these are the wrong women to build a marriage with. Find someone who is willing to invest the time in letting to know you, instead of wanting to be kissed/held by a stranger.

As others said, the fact that you are attracting these types of women says something about you, and you need to figure out why you are attracting them. Then change that.

AGG

In thinking about this I think the freeloader stance is fine as long as they don't forget that they are auditioning for the roll of buyer.

So if I dated a girl and she did that stuff, I would move on. Not because she isn't free to do as she wishes, but because she isn't convincing me that she understands the concept of buyer.

If a girl had to break a date, but re-scheduled and gave me other indications that she understands the concept of buyer then that would be different.

ak