18years, are you under the impression that you need the admission of a liar to know the truth? You have wasted alot of valuable time and effort trying to get a needless confession from a liar.

The way to handle this is to TELL HIM that you know he has lipstick on his underwear. He can continue to lie about it or he can choose to tell you the truth. BUT, you don't need the admission of a liar to know truth.

A good rule to follow is to never ask a liar for the truth. TELL THEM you know the truth and proceed from that point. People get lost in these fruitless pursuits of an admission from a liar. YOU DON'T NEED THAT!! You only need the truth. And you have the truth.

You should accept that there is lipstick on his underwear and proceed accordingly.

18years, I haven't read your whole thread, but I want to caution you that drinking to numb yourself to the pain is NEVER going to help you or your situation. Please, take inventory of who you are, what you want out of life and put those plans in motion to better your life. You are the only one who can make the changes necessary to be the best you. Do you love yourself enough to set yourself and you happiness above your H's c&@p? You are going to have to make a plan. If your H (and you) care to recover your marriage, they can help you here. It will take time..... Until then, work on yourself!!!! You can do that!! No one is worth letting your life go down the tubes for.

What Plan are you in?

wow, 18, i'm so glad to hear from you again, but sorry for the place you are in. i have often wondered what happened with your sitch. are you ready to make a plan and take care of yourself? you cannot let the actions of others rule over you. you can take charge. i wish you the very best in the new year.

What plan am I in...I'm in the "Husband lies to me and makes me feel like I'm the one that's wrong" plan. Yep, that one. Don't worry, I'm not drinking myself numb. I still have to function. My idea of drinking more is 2 and 3/4 pumpkin beers a couple times a week, but being the lightweight that I am, its enough to keep me in a good mood. I realize it isn't the answer. I still have my wits about me.
I know, as one poster said that you cannot demand the truth from a liar. If there were to be recovery, as another poster said, I would need that truth. We can't work recovery if there is no truth.
I think he's cheating again. He's had a really bad ear infection for a while now and he went to the doctor but the ear drops haven't helped him. I offered to bring him some medication yesterday. Its like a 20 min drive and he was very blunt that he didn't want me to go there. I questioned him about it later and he got really weird about it, defensive. He started saying things like, "I'm trying to get it together financially and buy you your dream home, but you keep accusing me of things" I called him out on it by pointing out that was manipulation. I said, "so in other words, if I don't shut up about your cheating, you won't even try". A little background on this, he has been financially slacking for years, he is very good at what he does but chose to stay on the sidelines. He is almost 40 and decided that now would be the time to start saving for the future, try harder, earn more, get the home we need for our 5 kids. Now he's using it against me by saying why bother if I'm not quiet about the stuff he does. Well, that's the way I see it.
On top of everything that was said last night, he did the ultimate put down again. He pointed out he's the only one that works. When I told him I have 5 kids to take care of. 2 toddlers in the day, he replied by saying that he has 5 kids too. I'm FUMING MAD at that comment.

Its like its not bad enough he's saying being a stay at home mom is not a job, but then he has to belittle it too by saying he does the same thing by taking care of 5 kids as well. Does that make any sense? So he's made me feel valueless.

My comments might make you fuming mad too...

You are the sort of MB poster who is frustrating to work with.

OK. Get mad. Get it all out of your system.


You post a lot of "He said" and "He did this" and "He made me feel this" sort of stuff.


I can tell you exactly which plan you are in.
Plan C. Complaining.

I am not without sympathy for your dilemma. You have 5 kids to raise. I recognize that because of the kids, you feel you must tolerate more crap than other wives who may have fewer responsibilities.

Have you ever read SexyMomaBear's story? Her BH (on MB forum) is HerPapaBear.

Read this out loud to yourself.


A good mood? Really? You think that you ought to (need to?) drink in order to regulate your mood?

Let us know when you are willing to make behavioral changes that are required for a PLAN to be put in place.

God Bless you and your family.

SexyMamaBear - the early struggles <~~~ Link to get you started on her story. There are many other threads about her marriage breakdown, false recovery, Plan B, and eventual recovery. If you want to see what a Plan can do for a mother with a brood .... I suggest you read all about her journey.

They now have SEVEN kids. They adopted a child after their marriage recovered.

SMB was also plan-resistant, at first. Scared. Worn down. Burdened by childrearing responsibilities. As far as I can recall, she did not drink to lighten her mood. She did however, have a very brief affair of her own to make her "feel good."

Temporary solutions are just that. Temporary.

What are you children learning from how you are conducting yourself during this crisis?

no, it doesn't make any sense (what he's telling you) because he's gaslighting you. so there's no point in pointing out to him that the reason he can have 5 kids and work is BECAUSE HE HAS A (SAHM) WIFE. phew. got that off my chest.

i'll let you go read SMB's thread.

you've got a big job, with the 5, but we can help you, 18. you just have decide you've had enough of his crap first. if you want to try to make the M work, you've got to do this before you LB$ goes too far into the red. or, we can just help you w/personal recovery. you decide.

Please read.
BSs..... Plan C is not a Plan