I found out on Thanksgiving of 2012 that my wife had had an affair with a co-worker. I also found out that she had been sending pictures of herself to this man and also a different man. I had confronted her the next day about it, as Thanksgiving wasn't the time for it to happen, and she admitted it, although she had said that it was already over. At that point I did demand her to stop talking to both, to which she has to this point. After several conversations over a couple of weeks, we had agreed to fix the marriage.

We have already been in counseling for our marital issues, and actually have a joint session on Wednesday. I have only had 1 session with the counselor since I found out, and I don't know how this one will go.

The only person that I have talked to about this is my wife's aunt, to which my wife also talks to. She finally admitted to her aunt that she had an affair (I had already told her before my wife did). I have told 3 others that I work with that it happened, and that is it. I have been toying with the idea about telling my parents and hers as well, but have thought that it is our business and they shouldn't get involved. The advice I have read on here, however, is to expose it as soon as possible. I understand the reasoning, but am not sure if it will help overall as she may just decide to end our marriage on the spot.

Since we have talked about it, things seem to be going better. My gut tells me otherwise though. I feel that she cheated because there was something missing in our marriage that I wasn't providing that she needed. She failed to communicate with me, and that is the biggest obstacle that we have to overcome. She decided to talk to others about the issues that she had, and found a guy that was her shoulder to cry on that took advantage of her. I'm not dismissing her part in this, nor am I taking blame, as she was the one that made the decision to do what she did.

All that being said, though, I have noticed communication activity with 3 other phone numbers since this has happened. I don't know if there is something going on, but want to end her constant search for validation from other men, and have her start talking to me more. As it is, it is very hard to get her to talk about anything (obviously, or we wouldn't be in the position that we are in now), as she shuts down when there is something that she doesn't want to talk about. I had read on multiple sites and so forth about getting complete access to all communication aspects of the cheating spouse if they are serious about fixing the marriage. I have not demanded this yet as I feel that if she was determined enough to cheat then she would find other ways of communication that I would have no way of monitoring. There is no stopping her from deleting suspect messages/emails and then letting me access them later. I honestly want to believe that she wants to work on things, but if there is anything else going on then it would be hard for her to give me the emotional connection back.

We have 3 young children (9,6, and 4) and I want us to be able to work out our problems not only for my sake, but for theirs as well. My kids have friends that have divorced parents, but I don't want them to go through that. If, however, she continues this behavior, then there will be no more chances. I do believe in second chances, and she is on hers right now. She has had plenty of time to make the choice to leave and hasn't, so in that, I believe that she still does love me.

I know that there are a lot of people that would say to just end it now as it will be better for me in the long run, but I can't... yet. I still love her and want to grow old with her. I believe that if we can work on communication we can work through this. It will be a long time before I can get the image of her naked with another man, or sending pictures of herself to others (and who knows what they did with them). I had told her that I could forgive her if she was willing to work on our marriage. She responded later that she had never asked for forgiveness, but at that time we may not have gotten to the reconciliation point. I can't remember the timing.

I haven't asked about details of the affair (it happened 3 times over the span of a month or 2) and the only information that I have gotten from her is that she didn't get anything out of it (the way she said it was genuine to me). She seemed... disappointed... and I am not sure if it was that she got caught or that she did this and got nothing from it. It may also have been remorse, but she has not said anything to me about it. She did tell her aunt that she realized that she was used for sex, and from what I gather she doesn't want that to happen again. Hopefully this will mean that she won't go out and do it again.

Her aunt is trying from her end to make my wife realize what she is doing and get her to talk to me more, and I thank her for that. I had originally not wanted to put her aunt in the middle of us, but she is the only one that I have really been able to open up to fully about this as she also knows my wife and can exert some kind of influence. We really haven't talked much about it, and I think that the reason is that it is the elephant in the room now (it could also have been the timing as we were preparing for Christmas and my parents coming to visit). I plan to try to talk more about it after we have our next counseling session, as that will be the ice breaker, just as it was for the issue of sex after it came out in our first joint session.

At this point I am continuing to monitor activity and will take any opportunity that I have to get information in any way that I can. I need her to understand the pain and hurt that she has caused me, and that she doesn't have to turn to other men for validation as all she needs is validation from me. Hopefully things will work out, but only time will tell.

Well, I really only needed to read the first five paragraphs.

Let's review:

...my wife had had an affair with a co-worker. I also found out that she had been sending pictures of herself to this man and also a different man.

WW found out she enjoys having multiple men supplying her emotional needs so much, she was in the process of adding another!

The only person that I have talked to about this is my wife's aunt, I have told 3 others that I work with

You listened to your WW about how "We can fix this, if we just put it past us!"

I have been toying with the idea about telling my parents and hers as well, but have thought that it is our business and they shouldn't get involved. The advice I have read on here, however, is to expose it as soon as possible. I understand the reasoning, but am not sure if it will help overall as she may just decide to end our marriage on the spot.

You are so terrified of my WW's reaction, that in spite of coming here and learning how thousands of marriages have been saved, you couldn't summon the fortitude to take the appropriate action.

Since we have talked about it, things seem to be going better.

Since we have talked about it, WW has thrown me the more frequent emotional "bone" and gotten better at hiding her actions.

I have noticed communication activity with 3 other phone numbers since this has happened.

But she hasn't yet gotten that good at hiding it.

I don't know if there is something going on,

You have decided to "hope" there's nothing going on, instead of accepting and operating on a) her proven wayward inclination, and b) this new evidence.

I need her to understand the pain and hurt that she has caused me,

And how does one truly understand pain? By experiencing it! We call initiating that process "exposure". Are you interested in fighting for your marriage, or is this to be a "cry on our shoulders" blog?

She has not said this. As I said in my post, we haven not talked more on this since the initial talk about working on things.


I just learned about the exposure part of it before I posted. Initially I was going to hold off and expose it if we get divorced.


Possibly, hence my gut feeling. The only way I know of the activity is by looking at our statement online since it has frequent updates throughout the day with messages and phone calls. So far there isn't activity like there was when I started to get suspect about the OM.


Yes, but so far there has been nothing suspect, other than her talking to others. And the activity is a lot less than the communication with me over the phone. Texts or calls.


Agreed, that is why I am now toying with the idea of letting at least our parents in on it. Everything that I have done is for fighting for my marriage. I understand that there are things that I haven't been able to provide for her that has led her to seek that validation from others. I don't take blame for it, as it is her decision to do what she did, and her decision to not communicate with me at all. Instead of being negative about this, I have tried to turn it into a positive and better myself.

The reason why I am toying with the idea is also to talk to the counselor and see what she has to say about our situation. I want to wait and see how the next joint session goes before I plan to talk to both parents. I also need to speak with my parents about a different issue and have to wait for them to be available to talk. Currently they are in the hospital for my father, who has cancer, on their way back from their visit to us. They aren't even in their own state yet. I need to get my backup plan in place before I initiate those calls, in case she goes opposite and wants to end it.

I asked:

Are you interested in fighting for your marriage, or is this to be a "cry on our shoulders" blog?

Explaining what you're "toying with" is diversionary crap! As is, by the way, any allusion to not being able to start fighting until your parents are back in their home state! WTH! If you were hemorrhaging blood I sincerely doubt that waiting until Mommy and Daddy are safely home would be an issue in seeking treatment. Your marriage is that badly damaged, friend, and getting more so every day.

So, this is to be a "weep-weep" blog. Good enough.

Oh boy. BIAZ, I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here. Oh boy. I had to take a deep breath before I started because there are so very many problems in your situation because you are making so very many strategic mistakes. I hardly know where to begin. So I guess I will start by telling you what it takes to save a marriage after an affair. If you have no plan, and you don't, you will fail. Hope is not a plan. What is necessary is a complete lifestyle change or you are doomed to a repeat. You are probably there right now and just don't know it.

If you think you can cut one single corner, I assure you that you will be damning yourself to a death of a thousand cuts and a false recovery. I fear you are headed to the school of hard knocks right now if you don't change course quickly.

Here is what it takes to save a marriage from an affair:

1. end all contact for life with the affair partner - your wife still works with this guy - Dr Harley recommends the betrayed spouse DEMAND that all contact end

2. end all opposite sex friendships - your wife has several

3. tell the full truth about the affair - your wife has not done that

4. change contact information so the affair partner cannot contact her again - she has not done that

5. make her life completely transparent giving you passwords to everything, accounting for her time

6. exposing the affair to family, friends and to the workplace, if a workplace affair. Expose to the spouse of affair partners - none of this is done.

7. have a plan for recovery. There is no plan here other than visiting a "marriage counselor" to talk about "communication"

Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders says this about exposure:


The most alarming part of this is that you are going to "counseling" to work on "communication." Marriage counselors are destructive to marriages and are a disaster when there is an affair. They don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage. They have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. The reason they are a disaster is because they have no idea how to save marriages and as such, are little more than divorce facilitators. They have absolutely no understanding of the dynamics of an affair.

They recommend disastrous plans such as "trial separations" and allowing the WS to continue contact with the affair partner. The only way to save your marriage is for your wife to end all contact with her affair partner, meaning she has to leave that job. A marriage counselor has no earthly idea how to save a marriage and will likely tell your spouse it is ok for her to work with her OM. Then your marriage is doomed because an unqualified MC has validated an idea that will make recovery impossible.

You are making terrible strategic mistakes, but the last one is probably the one that is going to do you in. My suggestion would be to cancel the counseling if you are serious about saving your marriage.

BetrayedinAZ,

Do you know the identities of the OM and are they married or do they have girlfriends?

Go into a data gathering mode, save every scrap of evidence, write everything down, then expose massively without warning or threats.

God Bless
Gamma

You are headed to divorce NOW because you did not expose the affair or take *ANY* of the necessary steps to save a marriage after an affair. None.

The approach we are giving you was developed by Dr Bill Harley, a clinical psychologist who specializes in saving marriages after an affair. I don't know of any other approach that works.

Initially I was going to hold off and expose it if we get divorced.

Interesting concept! So tell us, do you:

- wait until AFTER hitting the bridge abutment before putting on your seatbelt?

- don eye-protection AFTER the wood-chip pierces your cornea?

- wait until the day AFTER the winning lottery numbers are announced before buying a ticket picking them?

- grab the baking dish from the 350 degree oven and THEN put on oven mitts?

BetrayedinAZ,

I am not a frequent poster because I have failed at following the guidance on this forum. PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!!

You need to follow each of the previous posters advice; they are some of the best that I have seen in my time on here. FOLLOW IT AND START NOW! DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES, DO NOT BE AFRAID! You own your life and it's up to YOU to take control of it at this point. Always follow your gut instincts when you feel that there is something going on or still not quite right. I fought hard against my gut instincts when they were all correct. I failed to expose properly and now my marriage is a disaster. Had I followed the advice more to the letter that was given on here, I firmly believe things would be much better one way or the other. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that SHE CHEATED because something was missing in the marriage. There are so many other things she could have done about problems in the marriage other than cheating. LISTEN AND FOLLOW THROUGH!!

BiAZ --

No doubt there are improvements to be made in your marriage.
There were some vulnerabilities.

The great part of this program is that there is an actual PLAN to fix those -- and have an outstanding satisfying marriage!

So. How to get your wife on board. Thats the tricky part right now - because she likely feels detached from you. And she has justified her behavior in her own mind.

Exposure can have that "cold water" effect of seeing her trashy behavior through other peoples judgement.

You should also replace your marriage counselor with Steve Harley from the MB coaching center. He can get your wife on board. Its expensive - but well worth it.

BiAZ,

I am sorry you are here.

Let me give you some advice from a FWW viewpoint, okay ? Letting your wife get away with her crimes is like taking an alcoholic to the bar, buying the drinks and then giving him the keys to your minivan with your kids strapped in the back. Ummm...NO.

If my husband had not exposed my affair to OMW,our children, our pastors, etc, it would have made it very easy to 1) continue the affair 2) stop and start the affair indefinately 3) have another affair in the future (you see the trend here, right ? )

It also would have made it very easy to never address the issues in me personally and in our marriage that led to the conditions that made it easy to have an affair in the first place.

Follow the plan here. Start with exposure. Even if your marriage is not saved, and it might NOT be saved, you will be able to recover personally. You will know that you fought to save it by having a strategy to follow.

Be strong. You have support here.

First off I want to thank you for the advice given. You guys are right that I don't really have a proven, well thought out plan. I found this site while browsing at work last night, and will continue to look through the information on here when I go back to work. I'm posting from my phone now so I don't want to get into more elaborate details as it is much harder to type on a phone than a keyboard.

I have read the basics from the site, but haven't found any plans yet. I will be more thorough in searching later tonight at work. Again, thanks for the feedback. I'll update later.

BIAZ, please start with the first thread on this forum. That will take you to the most crucial threads. Then come back with questions and we will help you put together a plan.

I understand more now about the value of exposure. As I said earlier, I didn't really have any plan other than keep my eyes open and see what the marriage counselor can do. I know our big issue with our marriage is communication. If she would have communicated with me that she was having issues a long time ago, steps could have been taken to fix the problems then, so it wouldn't have led to her making the choice she did.

My original idea was that this affair is our business and it should stay between us, but I now understand that by me not telling any people that have influence in her life, then I am also helping to enable her to keep the secret and keep her mindset where it is without giving her any reason to change.

I am glad to hear you are reading and listening! The big issue in your marriage is that she has fallen out of love and is not honest about her feelings. She doesn't have an issue communicating at all.

And you should understand that it is a classic wayward trait to rewrite history and manufacture grievances to justify the affair. Almost every wayward does this.


Exactly! Adultery is a public act that affects many people in your circle. The more people that know, the more people to hold her accountable. This gives her the motivation to change if others are watching and holding her accountable.

Does she still work with this OM?

It sounds like you are really starting to understand !! Good for you.

Exposure is not a vindictive thing to do; it is actually a kind, benevolent act.

When I was 5, I stole a chocolate easter bunny from the drugstore. My mom caught me. She made me go confess to the cashier, return the bunny and apologize. I begged her not to make me do it. Couldn't we just forget about it? Nope. I had to go confess and apologize. Guess what ? I never shop-lifted again, and I never forgot the incident.

Even though it would have been easier for my mom to just let it slide, she made the right choice. I was upset with her at the time, but I was grateful when I was old enough to understand that she did the right thing to help deter me from a life of petty theft.

That's what exposure is.

We're rooting for you, BinAz.

1. From what I see there is no communication with the OM. Yes, they work for the same company, but it is a large company. It's not that easy in this economy to just up and change jobs. I understand the reasoning, and to fix things her mindset will need to be drastically changed.

2. Agreed 150% This is going into my plan of action to bring up to her if she is serious about saving this. I don't know where in my plan yet, but it will be in there.

3. She has not done that because I haven't asked. Again this will be something that will be implemented in my plan. Full disclosure.

4. Kind of along the same lines as #1. May be necessary for others in contact though. Open mind to this.

5. Agreed. She has been protective of her "privacy" to which I laid down for far to long about. This will change.

6. Agreed with immediate family. I will have to look into how to go about informing friends and other family members (cousins and so forth). The OM's GF knows about it from what my wife told her aunt, but that could be false info given to her from the OM.

7. I am working on a plan. I haven't looked around her yet, but will use that to formulate my plan.

I will take what the counselor says with a grain of salt, and make my own plan to act out.

I know names but that is it. The OM she slept with has a GF, and the OM that she was sending pics to is possibly married. My only info on that is Facebook, but his status doesn't show married, even though I was able to find his wife (she doesn't appear to be an active Facebook user).

That is my new plan to gather as much data as possible. The way I found out about the actual affair was that she left her phone in the car and I happened to take it out to get ingredients for Thanksgiving dinner. She didn't deny it because she knew what I saw.