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Interesting concept! So tell us, do you:
- wait until AFTER hitting the bridge abutment before putting on your seatbelt?
- don eye-protection AFTER the wood-chip pierces your cornea?
- wait until the day AFTER the winning lottery numbers are announced before buying a ticket picking them?
- grab the baking dish from the 350 degree oven and THEN put on oven mitts? I have since said that I understand now the value of exposure. It will be part of my plan that I am putting together. I love the example scenarios though. Gave me a good laugh.
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You are on it. Good for you. You seem to be a quick learner here. That will serve you well.
Good luck to you !!!
me: FWW/BW
Married 20 years, 4 kids
We made it.
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1. From what I see there is no communication with the OM. Yes, they work for the same company, but it is a large company. It's not that easy in this economy to just up and change jobs. I understand the reasoning, and to fix things her mindset will need to be drastically changed. If you are interested in saving your marriage, she will have to leave that job. They are free to contact each other every day at work. Recovery of your marriage is impossible unless she leaves. If you expose the affair to the HR department and the OM's wife, that decision might be taken out of her hands. But I would first demand that she find another job and get out of there. 5. Agreed. She has been protective of her "privacy" to which I laid down for far to long about. This will change. In other words she has secrets. I would strongly suggest you get a keylogger on her computer and spyware on her phone. She has been living a secret second life for a long time from the sounds of it. 6. Agreed with immediate family. I will have to look into how to go about informing friends and other family members (cousins and so forth). The OM's GF knows about it from what my wife told her aunt, but that could be false info given to her from the OM. You would want to expose to close family and friends, her Human Resource department, your children, and pastor, if any. I would start with the OM's GF. 7. I am working on a plan. I haven't looked around her yet, but will use that to formulate my plan. The plan is in the book Surviving an Affair, but I will post an outline in my next post. I will take what the counselor says with a grain of salt, and make my own plan to act out. Good, because that could be a disaster. What will you do if the counselor tells your wife that staying in contact with her OM is just fine? Then you are screwed. I would sit your wife down and lay out this plan to her. This plan is your only hope of saving this marriage. Otherwise, the affair will continue or new affairs will start. Affairs cannot be swept under the rug and I seriously doubt you want to live through this again. First step is to DEMAND your spouse end the affair. "Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers." Ask her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA] Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested: 1. end all contact with the OM for life - quit her job 2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle 3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc 4. no more opposite sex friendships 5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph 6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair. Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage. Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Does she still work with this OM? She does, but it is a big company and as far as I know there has been no further contact. I believe that, as I know she got nothing out of the affair (told to me by her and corroborated by her aunt later) and that she felt like poop because she realized she was just being used for sex (kind of funny since isn't that what she was doing with him???)(this was relayed to my by her aunt).
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The plan for recovery.... The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. <snip> Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Does she still work with this OM? She does, but it is a big company and as far as I know there has been no further contact. I believe that, as I know she got nothing out of the affair (told to me by her and corroborated by her aunt later) and that she felt like poop because she realized she was just being used for sex (kind of funny since isn't that what she was doing with him???)(this was relayed to my by her aunt). She can see the OM every day at work. She can have sex with him there tomorrow. She apparently got something because it was worth destroying her marriage over. She did it before and will do it again. If you are serious about saving your marriage, she has to leave that job. Recovery is impossible otherwise. This is STEP ONE - you can't do Step TWO until this step is taken. No contact - NONE - for life.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have been here for 12 years and don't know of ANY marriages that worked out when the affairees continued to work together. I DO KNOW scads of affairs that resumed, though. I know of some divorces that resulted from trying to skip this step. Here is Dr Harley explaining to another husband that recovery is impossible as long as his wife continues to work at the same place as the OM: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=652
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Does she still work with this OM? She does, but it is a big company and as far as I know there has been no further contact.
Problem is, you don't really know jack about what goes on there. On work phones. On work computers. In the office corridors and stairwells. And part of you will wonder. And that will insidiously subvert your willingess to invest as you'll need to in this relationship.
You're trying to save the marriage you had -- and look where that marriage has ended up. What you should be trying to do is save the wife you have and create a better marriage with her. That, my friend, is going to require, on her part, a major break with her past.
Please take it from me, a guy who had an affair 4 years ago: Taking extraordinary measures to establishing secure, ironclad no-contact -- not wishing for it! -- is crucial to saving a marriage & recovering from an affair. They cannot & must not continue working at the same place. Absolutely not. I tried to break off my affair once while remaining in periodic contact with the affair partner (same church). Doesn't work, my friend. Fool yourself otherwise if ye like, but the reason I'm typing to you for free when I should be already in my car & on my way to work is, I don't want to see you mess this up, I want to see your marriage resurrected from where it is now.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Piling-on here....
Friend, the option of WW continuing to work at that company any longer is not viable.
And here's the kicker - Your exposure is going to include her boss, HIS boss, the appropriate HR personnel, many officers in the corporate hierarchy, and all her co-workers. How inviting a work-environment will THAT Be for WW to want to return to?
"...and this is Larry, who handles customer issues,
and this is WW, who deals with accounts receivable,
and boning Johnson from product development!"
Even if never as blatantly displayed as the above, WW will KNOW that everyone KNOWS of her lack of morals.
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Furthermore...
My WH tried going "business-only" contact (just until he could arrange a transfer.) His OW even said she would respect his wishes in that regard. Lasted less than a week before they were right back in full A mode, only now further underground. Went on for 6 more months until I had a second discovery day. And trust me, if you think recovering from the first d-day is hard, you don't want to enroll in the false recovery-second d-day school of hard knocks.
My WH now says he could not have gotten himself away from the Dolly without my intervention. EVEN WHEN WE MOVED OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
Even if your WW is NOT seeing OM outside of work now, she will be triggered every time she sees him, or even sees his car in the parking lot. And you cannot get to the next step while she is in that mindset. She's gotta leave the job. Pronto.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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Can the alcoholic sober up if he goes to the bar every day, drinks and simplyy changes the names of his drinks to "business drinks?" I assure you that he will be just as drunk! And it is real easy to carry on an affair at work. We have had people who had sex in cars in the parking garages, broom closets, offices, meeting rooms; the possibilities are endless. We had one WH who carried on his affair ENTIRELY at work and never outside of the office. His own wife couldn't believe there was an affair because the WH was disabled and couldn't even drive. His wife dropped him off and picked him up at work every day! This guy had a year long affair. All at work! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We had one WH who carried on his affair ENTIRELY at work
In my last job-assignment (YEARS before my own d-night) I occupied one of a group of offices that opened onto an aisle along some windows. It became obvious to a group of us that each noon-time a certain past-middle-aged woman and a younger man would stroll out a nearby door, down to his car parked away from the building, stay within for 15 - 20 minutes and stroll back, looking slightly....rumpled.
Eventually, the evil NG made a sign, and as they were still some distance from the door, hung it on the inside, facing out toward their approach. It said, "At Least Wash Your Hands!" The look on her face as she read those words I wish I had captured on youtube! They never used that particular method of assignation again, and she soon left the company!
BiAZ, addicts will abase themselves in any way to get their fix. "Willpower" and "self-restraint", once proved as failures, can never be relied on again.
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Can the alcoholic sober up if he goes to the bar every day, drinks and simplyy changes the names of his drinks to "business drinks?" I assure you that he will be just as drunk! And it is real easy to carry on an affair at work. We have had people who had sex in cars in the parking garages, broom closets, offices, meeting rooms; the possibilities are endless. We had one WH who carried on his affair ENTIRELY at work and never outside of the office. His own wife couldn't believe there was an affair because the WH was disabled and couldn't even drive. His wife dropped him off and picked him up at work every day! This guy had a year long affair. All at work! During 30 minute lunches in a nearby storage unit... with time to eat and smoke a cigarrette! O_o Um, no... Can't continue to work together. Why would you do that to YOURSELF?
Last edited by HoldHerHand; 01/10/13 08:53 PM.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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