Did you neglect your wife's needs?
you probably did.

Did your actions cause your wife's behaviour?
If their own family experienced the same behaviour
before you even met...
you did not cause this, you cannot fix this!

Gerald,
I visited my brother in law.
He is a psychiatrist.
He said that my ex wife fits the criteria for BPD.

jedi

i know this will sound really really hard and will go against every you know and believe in.
you are a very religious person and believe in forgiveness... or some sort of peaceful co-existance.

FORGET IT!

BPD is an iceberg and you have only seen 1/4th of it.
she is in 'mellow' mode as long as she has the POS OM meeting her needs.

But you know as much as I do, this affair is not going to last and you will be facing the 3/4th of the iceberg when it does.

YOU WILL HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AND YOURSELF from this women.

if it is legal and the judge allows it, move to another STATE.

i can give you some examples of what could happen if you do not:
kidnapping, infanticide, treats of suicide...
This is WAY beyond Marriage builders!!!
ANY contact of your WW wife with you or your children will be destructive, rest assured.

Contact your lawyer ASAP and see what is possible to get yourself and your children away from her. MOVE to another state.

You will be facing 'Satan' and your religious believes are NOT going to protect you or your children from IT.
Pray you will have the strength to do this. Save your religion for your own salvation!

I have been there, without children, and it scarred me for the rest of my life.

X2

Copy of email sent to Dr Harley.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


I have a question.�
For a third of my marriage, my alcoholic mother-in-law lived with us.�
After divorce in July 2012 I allowed my children to continue visiting her for 2 hours a week at a local fast good restaurant.�
Lately she has accompanied us to the skating rink.�
Last week I picked her up and she smelled like she had been drinking.�
How should I set boundaries with her? Am I morally obligated to allow her to visit her grand kids?
Her daughter (my ex wife's sister) told me that she cut off all contact with this woman (her mom) and will not allow her any contact with her kids. Should I do the same?

Personally I do not like her. During my pending divorce she participating in my wife's concealing the whereabouts of my children, in violation of a court order.�
The children like her and she seems to show care for them but I do not want them to be emotionally dependent on an alcoholic relative, nor do I want them to listen to her lies.�

Can you please offer me guidance?
Thank you

Update:

I visited both SIL.
They both said (separately) that ex wife is mentally unstable.
They said she has told them she is working towards getting custody of the kids??
I hope my ex FIL is not going to enable more court hearings.

While I was visiting we went places and ex wife sent a text to her sister asking for pics. Her sister replied that she would not send pics because she doesn't want to be in a relationship (even as sister) with someone involved with a drug addict.
(ex wife is living with affair partner and ex felon drug addict)

Her sister told me that even if ww came back I should not let her back in because she would only leave again.

They both said she has been selfish her entire life.

I would tell her if she is going to smell of alcohol around your children that you will not allow her to be around your children.

I too felt the moral obligation to have my children spend time and continue to have a relationship with their grandparents. Sometimes, especially with your childrens boozing it up granny, that would be where you would have to create boundries and/or have to go NC with them. It all comes down to creating healthy boundries and relationships for your children and yourself. If that includes no visit with granny while she is under the influence, than that might be the way it is. In my case, I recently went NC with my IL's, so the children have not had any visits with their grandparents in a couple months.

I was thinking that a potential boundary would be the following rule:

MIL must purchase a breathalyzer and give it to me : she must breath into it every visit. If she fails the test it means no visit for a month. However I went to the AlAnon chat boards and they basically say that is a ridiculous attempt at control.

I would agree with that. It is controlling.

Well what do I do?
Last week I smelled booze.
All she would do is deny drinking.

I received the following response from Dr Harley:


The question is what can you do, and what can�t you do. �You may not be able to keep your children away from your mother-in-law when your wife has visitation. �You might need �a court order, which would be very difficult to get. �Another issue is how would the children respond to being told that they can�t see their grandmother. �I don�t think you�re in a position to tell your ex-wife what she can and can�t do with them unless you have custody. �And you might want to discuss the problem with your children to get their take on it. �It may be that they don�t want to be with her as much as you think. �Or, they might feel that you would be mean to prevent them from being with her. �At this point in raising your children, it�s more important for them to know that they�re loved, than it is to be trained do do what you want them to do. �Divorce is tragic, and this is one of the reasons that it�s so undesirable. �

Email from dr Harley:

I apologize for having not read all of the other posts you sent. �You are right that you can refuse to let your children see their grandmother, so take that problem off the table. �I suggest that you discuss the problem with the one supervising your wife�s visitation. �If the children are to be told by you that they can�t see their grandmother, you should have some backup from a respected person. �In the final analysis, the grandmother may be encouraged to clean up her act if she ever wants to see her grandchildren, which would be good for the grandmother. �If the supervisor feels that it�s okay for your children to be with their grandmother while she�s drunk, you have a problem greater than the grandmother.

Makes a lotta sense from my point of view Jedi, I have been away for awhile, and it still sticks out like a sore thumb.

Remember Dr H was an addiction counselor before he got into marriage counseling, so he comes from the right background and is prepared in the right ways..You can trust him.

I agree.

So what are you going to do Jedi?

I am going to discuss it with their child counselor.
Dr Harley recommended the supervisor but the county visitation center doesn't address matters like that; they only ensure safe visitation.

I will also discuss it in AlAnon on how to proceed.

Te issue is that the kids care about her and the visits have been pleasant but it's the relapses that I can't tolerate. The kids will be angry.
We are meeting her today.
If she is intoxicated I will tell her to get out of the car.

Any other suggestions?

I have a question about moving.
I am
In foreclosure and will need to move within a year.
I am contemplating moving near my ex wife's sisters house because their family is close to my kids.
Is there any potential problems with that?
All of my side of the family lives on the west coast and there are not many economic prospects there.
I would like to move somewhere and remain until my kids are grown

Have you talked to WxW's sister? The fact that they are realistic about her and supportive of you is a great sign, but if its something you would do hoping she could help out with the kids (a good idea) it's good to put that on the table and ask if she'd be willing. Sometimes I have made the mistake of not asking family for help, but putting myself in a situation where I let them know I need it then wait hoping they will offer...kind of hard to explain but it comes from my co-dependency. I've worked hard to be more straightforward. I think your best bet is to lay it all out there especially since you don't have family nearby. The other option is moving nearer your church or where people from your church live...that's what I did and who I have as back-ups with school and things, because I have no family here and HAM was my backup before.

Yes I've spoken with them.
They say that they will help any way they can

Maybe this is a question for your lawyer to handle, if the law doesn't do anything to protect against drunkeness in visitation.

I would think that they would, but you prolly have to bring it up and make charges stick somehow..Dont worry, She will get the help she needs if she gets busted...

Talk to your lawyer or get a new one if this is not addressed soon

Do you know if she drives while drunk?

And I agree with CP -- this CANNOT be ignored.