Married for 12 years with 2 awesome boys (8 and 3). we are both in our early 30's. We married as soon as we finished college. If i was writing this a week ago before I knew what i know now... i would say that we were happy, content, complacent even, I loved her and she loved me. We mostly talked about work stuff and what the boys did recently. We dont necessarily do things together, one of us will run errands while the other watches the kids as to not disrupt their nap or their play time for a boring trip to the grocery store. Sex life was good. I would have probably liked to have more - but who wouldnt ...shes incredible. Our family picture was that of a normal happy family. Our parents who are still together today seemed proud.

The truth was it wasnt as good as the christmas card made it look. I dont think either one of us deep down were really happy, again content, but not happy. We were/are super focused on the boys and our jobs. We loved eachother sure - but why? We didnt talk about our feelings. A year into our marriage she was fighting depression and using shopping as a release. She seeked help but was put on medication that turned her into a zombie. We fought through that first year and finally got her off that medicine. We fought a lot. Frequency of sex was part of the fights, so was the feeling of detachment from eachother. I dont think we came out of that any stronger. I think we both walked on eggshells - she's afraid to tell me whats she is thinking. Im afraid to hurt her by telling her how i feel and she'll beat herself up inside. We would still fight - she would complain that im not paying attention to her, that i dont appreciate her, that i dont tell her i love her enough or hug her. Truly i did tell her i love her, i did hug her and tell her she was beautiful. I know - painfully -know now that i didnt do this enough. But at the same time hearing this from me didnt mean a whole lot. It didnt hold water as it did when others would tell her or pay attention to her. Im just saying that because im her husband and i have to - she would tell me. She would negate these credits in her head. We never really handled the depression we just painted over it.

I would bury myself in work, I had to take a position where i traveled a lot. Wasnt really a choice. immediately joining the team - i was shipped over seas for several weeks. Deep down i hoped the independence would help. She didnt live on her own, she lived with her parents til we got married. Her mom can mean well but is very cruel and de-meaning towards her and her sisters with no emotional connection there at all. Traveling was heavy. I would bury myself in work. Sun up til sun down and then some. At first i hated to be away but then i found it was an escape. I was successful at what i was doing at work. I would seek work out that no one wanted to to do but needed to be done. I was making people happy by fixing their problems and there were no shortages of them. i was getting promoted. I was first in and last out of the office. I could tell this time apart was weighing on her. Traveling then became a curse not only to her but to me - i hated to travel once our first son was born. I hated that i had to spend time away from them. She was really hurt by the traveling and the short notices for trips from my boss. She felt as if she was raising the boys herself and that hurts me.

We both seeked attention we werent getting. I myself found interest in a colleague at work. We would talk about work, family, hobbies, anything we could think of. the attention was nice and it was definitely banking love credits. We worked together and actually even had to travel together on short trips. Looking back now it was seriously red flags everywhere! I dont think i ever hit the threshold of romantic love with her though. I would like to think its because i had so many more credits for my wife than her and i didnt want to destroy my family and its not something i would do. Nothing ever went beyond colleagues and a professional friendship.

I eventually found another job. One with no travel. One where i could be home at night with my kids and wife. Then after a few years a similar situation happened when my ex girlfriend from before we were married started working at the same company I was (its probably important to point out - i've only been with 2 people my entire life. my Ex and my wife). I enjoyed the attention. I talked to her about good times from past. Caught up with her about the present and everything in between. I could feel that attraction and that necessity to see her getting stronger. She even called me once and told me that she wanted to leave her husband and be together. I freaked out. I was definitely not in the same place she was. I knew it was wrong and even tho i was just content with my marriage at the time- i wasnt at the same level she was to throw it all away. I told her she needs to work this out with her husband and give him chance. I would still talk to her, sometimes see her. Access for something to happen was definitely there. We eventually slowed our communication from several times a day to just a few times a week until we would run into each other and it would spike. I eventually took another job. My main reasons for leaving was the money and doing something i liked more, but it was also to remove myself from this situation so that I dont put myself into a situation i cant control. It was good timing.

Its important to mention that i regrettably did not tell my wife about these. I feel guilty about this. Before my guilt was silenced by the fact that i did the right thing -i stopped before it escalated into something physical that crossed the line. Now after reading these stories and books and learning of the love bank concept i dont believe i did the right thing anymore. I failed her when i kept those relationships from her (protection in my mind), and i failed her for putting myself in those situations. I should have told her how i felt, pried a little more to learn how she felt, did more, said more. I should have told her what happened and not protect her from her depressive intuition. I shouldnt have tried to protect her from this event that could have strengthen our marriage.

She seeked attention from someone as well a few years ago. I caught her talking to him online. At first she lied about it but as more of the lies could have been proven she was afraid to get caught and told me the 'truth'. At least enough to pacify me. She promised she would stop talking to him (a co-worker). This time would have been a perfect time to tell her about the co-worker story i had but i didnt. I didnt make a huge deal about it because it was just as seemingly innocent as mine was. I trusted she was making the right decisions too.

This past year - i've been growing more and more suspicious. My gut says something is wrong, not right, she's cheating. My heart says nah... you're paranoid. She loves you.

Last month i found a picture on the computer. I asked her about it and she said it was supposed to be deleted. it was meant for me but she didnt like the way it came out, didnt think i would like it so she didnt send it. I told her i never got the chance to say i liked it or not... i eventually dropped the subject but now my gut was working over drive.

Last week while she was in the shower i looked at her email and found the proof i needed. It was the same guy she promised not to talk to anymore. The difference now - it was much less innocent. over the course of the next 3 days she eventually 'confessed' (or pacified me) what she did. I went into self destruct mode - i kept digging deeper, finding details that can not be erased from memory. I keep finding more and more and wanting to know what else i didnt know. I suspect other guys that were in on this some how. I dont believe anything she says. I believe what i have proven. She still goes to work. She 'swears' she is not talking to him. she deleted him from fb, her phone, email, etc. i told her she needed to quit - there is too much history there. She said she wants to and she is looking for a new job right now. I hate when she goes to work now. I cant help but think what they did, what they are doing, what they are hiding from me. She has to get out of there. On her way to work that next morning - i sent an email to the OM and copied her on it telling him to stay away, that i know, and i'll tell his wife and their employer. its something i could not get her to write! (after reading the book and forum i realize i approached this wrong).

i was/am a mess. I think about this stuff now all the time. I cant sleep. I cant eat. A friend of mine pointed me to this site and encouraged me to read this SAA book and threads. I am glad he did - there are a lot of similar stories. I wish i had know about this earlier and maybe the wife and i could have focused only on depositing into each others accounts instead of someone elses.

I know what i did was wrong. I was lucky that i had the opportunity to make the right decision. I certainly had a big hand in creating this mess. BUT WHAT SHE DID WAS MANY TIMES WORSE! I want our boys to have their mother around. I want the marriage that maybe we never had. I still love her but i hate what she did to me.

im sorry that story was sooo long. Its was kinda therapeutic to write it. I've been following the forums and seen first hand what happens when its not exposed. I am working through Plan A - but its not easy. I am putting together a plan for exposure. My biggest fear is her depression. As i mentioned earlier. I walk on egg shells because of it. However, im tired of the secrets. She has very low self confidence and is always critizing herself for everything. Turning positive stuff into negative. This isnt necessarily a recent thing its been there since she was in grade school. She is seeking help again for this. However, How can i expose this knowing that its going to magnify the public humiliation that she already has in her head? I agree i need to... i just dont know how to.


I want this to be reconciled. I want us to back to something even more/better than we ever had before. Im afraid the depression is the crutch or the reason or the excuse that it happened and will be again.

Hi alloftheabove, welcome to Marriage Builders. Don't worry about exposure being humiliating. That is a good thing, not a bad thing. Your wife should be humiliated about behaving badly. If she was not, then there would be something with her. But she will be humiliated about her own poor behavior, don't make any mistake about that.

Exposure is the most effective way to end her affair and motivate your wife to take the necessary steps towards recovery. Exposure gains wide support for your marriage. The more people who know, the more people to hold your wife accountable.

Depression is a classic symptom of cheating. When a person has to routinely violate their conscience, they become very depressed and their self esteem suffers. Exposure helps resolve this by killing the affair and motivating her to change.

Have you read the threads in the first thread on this forum?

Alloftheabove, good job with getting that out. Mel is one of the "pros" on this board and the exposure evangilist. I agree that exposure is your next step, you may have completed reading the Exposure 101 thread, good info and templates there. If you don't mind, please share your exposure plan with recipients and contact methods and even the message or message template you plan to use.

The community can help keep you in the wheelhouse and offer suggestions.

I am glad you took this important 1st step.

Welcome. Please click the link below to get started.

***CLICK HERE***

Do I expose and then tell her I did? Can she be there for the exposure? We are both home trying to patch things but this prevents me from doing it without her knowledge.

DO NOT TELL JUST DO!

I would go somewhere else and do all of your exposures at once. Go to an office, the library, a coffee shop, and do it there. She will get calls about exposure and will find out soon enough about it. Did you read my Exposure 101 thread for templates, best practices?

Additionally, I would demand that she leave that job. Ask her to also send a no contact letter to the OM that is approved by you and mailed together. The letter can be found in the book Surviving an Affair.

So allTheAbove, have you read the articles, do you have your exposure plan together? Are you waffling? Getting cold feet?

Please stick with the plan created by Willard Harley, delaying only makes everything more painful.

I have the exposure plan ready. I am hesitating (waffling) on how wide to go with this. I fear after a consultation with her dr recently that she may be bipolar. I've searched some of the threads on this forum and seen a range from 'stay together through this for the kids sake'... to 'its just an excuse'. Possibility of bipolar and her suicidal thoughts really worry me.

I will tell the other wife - she needs to know. My hesitation now is exposing it to workplace and friends/family. Im not seeking revenge. Im seeking finality to the affair (that she 'swears' ended). My concern is that if she is bipolar and having bad thoughts would she do something if work and everyone around her knew? Would she do something if she thought more people were looking down on her (she thinks that already)?. She internally beats herself up and has low confidence/self worth issues.

Its easy to say she did this to herself - but... it would be hard to live with knowing I made it worse. And if its a medical condition - is it right to do this?

So the questions really are:
How far should i take this?
Do i limit exposure?
Do I accept that this is a fragile condition and need to ensure i dont pile on?
How do i repair my marriage after her affair when her depression is consuming her (and me)? Do I Continue to hold her and comfort her talking her through these episodes?
Do i just stick with plan A while she seeks medical help?

Im not a fan of bipolar or any other condition as an excuse for what happened. And I am fully aware that this could be a manipulation. I am fully aware that this sadness could be the loss of her affair partner and/or getting caught. But what if its not?

Any advice?

If you are interested in saving your marriage and helping your wife, then you should expose. Her low confidence is fueled by her affair, so keeping it a secret causes harm. Most afairees mimic bipolar and other mental disorders, so I wouldn't get sidetracked with that. Even if she truly is bipolar, how in the world would enabling her in destructive behavior be a solution?

It doesn't really matter if you are exposing for "revenge" because that is irrelevant to the issue. What matters is that you do an effective exposure that helps, rather than harms. Doing a little trickle exposure because you are scared will not help anything. She will just blow you off and go back to her affair.

So if you are serious about saving your marriage, you need to do this right. Allowing fear to drive your agenda will cost you your marriage.

I am going through the same thing. I didn't do a proper exposure and if I could do it over I would. Exposure destroys the bubble the two infidels put themselves in. Dr. Harley's metaphor is that the affair is a mold left in the dark dank recesses of secrecy it thrives. Only sunlight of exposure can kill it. Your WS will spin tales of abuse and secretly replace you with their AP with 0 consequences and they will pretend to just met. Exposure shows this not to be true and speeds up the death of the affair.

If you want guidance from the horses mouth you can email the Radio Show at no charge

The only things I have read on there boards, in the 3+ years I have been here about regrets regarding exposure is the fact that it wasn't done, done too late, or not broad enough. Don't be one of those people. If you are going to do it, do it right.

If you see any real signs of danger to herself, or someone else after exposure, then call in the professionals.

True, I never heard of anyone regret exposing their WS.

It is my opinion, based on experience on this forum, that exposure can/will cause all sorts of chaotic responses from both the adultery partners. Sometimes, they get together after exposure to try and devise a coordinated lie/alibi.

I prefer that the BS (you) be fully prepared/ready for this by installing a GPS on WW's vehicle before exposure. You will want to know where WW is going at all times after exposure. A VAR inside her vehicle. And, the spyware should already be installed on her computer.

I'm sorry I missed this thread for the past several days, my friend, but the posters here have given you the magic bullet - EXPOSURE.

Here is the basic recipe:

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1 - KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

You ask how "wide" to make the exposure? Read number 7 again. There's your answer.