MY WIFE HAD AN AFFAIR ON ME ABOUT 2-3 MONTHS AGO THAT LASTED FOR 2 MONTHS. THE GUY LIVED IN NC AND WE LIVE IN SC. SHE MET HIM ON THE INTERNET AND WENT TO SEE HIM 3 TIMES (AND SLEPT WITH HIM). WE ARE WORKING THINGS OUT AND ARE DOING FINE BUT WHEN WILL THIS HURT FINALLY GO AWAY?

kmmorris,<P>I wish I knew. My wife is still in her affair. My heart breaks every day. I pray often, and know that the Lord is helping me. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and that I am more than happy to help you through your pain. Many people here are. You have our love and support. <P>JoeJohn

KM-I couldn't even start to tell you how long your pain will last. I can tell you that eventually it does ebb away and that eventually things are brighter! Are you breathing? That was one of the biggest things I had to start doing at the beginning, remember to breath deeply, it helps you to deal with things more effectively.<BR>The other things that help are to read and read and then read some more. Dr. Harley's books are great, I also read "After the Affair" which helped me to cope with alot! And remember, the answers don't all come at once! Also, this board is excellent! The people are responsive and helpful, feel free to write all your frustrations down, I also started a journal because after awhile I could look back and see I finally made it somewheres. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

THE OTHER THING IS THAT SHE HAD MY 15 MONTH OLD DAUGHTER WITH HER. MOST DAYS I DO OK AND SHE HAS BEEN HONEST AND TOLD ME EVERYTHING. BUT SOME DAYS IT OVERWHELMS ME AND WHEN WE DO ARGUE I THROW IT UP IN HER FACE.

KM,<P>I know. The pain is like nothing I had ever experience in the world. I hurt from the inside out.<P>The pain will go away it will take a little while. First of all you must get yourself into counseling.<P>Second I think its o.k. to talk about the affair, but just throwing it out during an argument does more damage then good. It does not create a safe environment.<P>If the affair is over, this time now should be used to finding out what was missing at that time. Look within yourself to find clues. Do you give her enough attention? Do you say Thank you? Do you tell her she does a good job with the baby? That she is a wonderful mother? That she is beautiful? <P>Now I am not justifying her behavior, because these needs should be communicated before someone goes outside the marriage. Usually there is needs that are unmet.<P>Sometimes people just "click" also. It starts with some innocent conversation and people just find themselves caught up in the "whirlwind".. its new, it feels good.<P>She just had a baby, is her self esteem low?<P>Believe me the pain does heal, there is nothing more terrible and painful then the shock of leaning the one you love had an affair. <P>Believe me.. I know. Good luck.

THAT IS THE OTHER BAD PART. I DO TELL HER SHE IS BEAUTIFUL AND THINGS LIKE THAT, BUT I DO NOT TOTALLY BLAME HER FOR WHAT HAPPENED. I TELL HER HOW MUCH I LOVE HER ALL OF THE TIME. BUT NEITHER ONE OF US CAN PUT A FINGER ON WHAT HAPPENED EXACTLY. HE WAS LYING TO HER ABOUT WHO AND WHAT HE WAS AND SHE SEES THAT NOW, BUT BY THAT TIME IT WAS TOO LATE. ALSO, WE HAVE GONE TO COUNSELING BUT DID NOT LIKE THE COUNSELORS. I LIKE THIS WEB PAGE MUCH BETTER.

This is a great place to come for support.<P>Try thinking of the pain as something that will motivate you to do the hard work necessary to rebuild a strong healthy marriage. If any of us had a magic way of side stepping the pain, believe me we would share it. We know the pain is not even something you would wish on your worst enemy.<P>Now, try to seperate how you feel from how you react to your feelings. In other words, you pretty much feel what you feel. You can be committed to doing the work necessary to move toward feeling differently, but right now it's going to hurt, plain and simple.<P>You can choose and control your words of actions. You don't have to throw it in her face. It is a habit. You want it to relieve pain, but plainly it does not. If your wife is really trying to rebuild, then you must see yourself as the other member of the team. Work towards a commen goal, not as opposing players, but as team players.<P>Also accept the idea that your wife can fully cooperate in healing your marriage, but she has really no control over healing the pain you are going through. She can't change the past. Fair or not, the betrayer needs to go on a journey to healing and forgiveness that is more or less his/her own journey. Expecting your spouse to make your pain better just will not help.<P>She can cooperate in the marriage, support and understand how hard it is, and of course not cause you any more pain. She can not erase your pain anymore than she can erase the past.<P>The bright side is that you can build an even better marriage with better communication skills and a shared vision of the future.<P>Best of luck. This forum may really help, too.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

We have been working on this for 1 1/2 years. I still hurt, always. Some days it is as bad the firt day, other days it is nagging weight on my spirit, but it is still there. <P>I feel that the circumstances of each of our situations both before during and after effects our recovery.<P>I having been hurting to a certain extent since the beginning of our marriage. I was possibly more naive than the average person, being so totally trusting in my spouse, thus my disillusionment was eccessive.<P>If you had a good marriage before, cling to that, remember that. It is much harder to work toward a completely new relationship with a person that has already betrayed you than it is to recover a love that has just been misplaced.

I wish we could say it takes this long and then it's all be erased. That isn't how it works. <P>If you look back over different people's stories, you notice that the ones who seem to be living life whole again have learned to let go of the details and concentrate on rebuilding. (Or starting from scratch--my h. and I consider ourselves to be getting to really know each other without pretense for the first time, although we didn't divorce, and only separated for a few weeks.)<P>Be patient with each other. Acknowledge that things aren't normal yet and DON'T get into blaming. Stick to the subject at hand if you have an argument (don't relate everything back to the affair). Go on dates. I know this is hard with a little one, but you must make the relationship top priority. Spend a little money to have time alone together. It is amazing how therapeutic it is to do something fun together.<P>My other post today 'I spoke with OW" will give you more of my views on healing. I certainly am not pretending that I never want to push OW off a cliff anymore, but I have had a long time to process all this.<P>LIZ<BR><P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

My H has his affair after 25 years of marriage. The hurt and devastation is killer at first. You have to concentrate on you and avoid throwing it back in her face. Give her love and support. Perhaps when she responds you can let go of some of the anger and hurt. We tried to work it out for over a year, but I finally left in August. We see each other on weekends and for either lunch or dinner one day in the week. We are trying to get to know each other again. The hurt is overwhelming at first, but eventually you heal some and it does get better. I found it hard to believe at first, but it does get better with time.