Yes and I get it because I am a smoker... a chain smoker now. UGH lol... but that's part of my plan... focus on me and making me happy now... baby steps.

Yep I am in NY... and some days... I wish I were all the way across the country.

I keep thinking if I can get through today, JUST today then it will be easier than yesterday. I've also devised a plan where I will reward myself for sticking to it. This weekend, if I make it... after doing my chores that I've been neglecting because my focus was on other things... I plan to make myself an awesome meal and even dessert. And a movie. Next week, I have a party to go to so I am looking forward to being "single" when I go, kinda like my very own debutante ball lol...

I was getting stuck on what "his" reaction would be... and was not fully getting what a gift of freedom this is for me. I was so stuck on "fix it" I wasn't getting that I can't.

I wasn't getting what a gift it was because I kept (and sometimes slip back into) thinking that I was losing my husband and my marriage and my plans... but I am not "losing" them.. they chose to let me go and then string me along.. I am losing the daily heartache and wondering and knife twisting.

Good! Hang onto that. Do you have an IM?

My sister. She offered. But soon my brother will be living with me so he can do the "in person" money pick up once a month.

How long do the little "uh oh" feelings happen before they stop? Had them ALL day yesterday.. a few times today, though today I just replace the thought with HE did xyz so I HAD to do this.

I know this is for me to heal. And boy do I need some space right now to clear my head really. But... how long before they stop invading your thoughts?

I changed my user name to be less identifiable. My WH has been led here. He will recognize the other name... but I highly doubt he will see himself in my posts. Sad isn't it?

Sadder still is, even though he's been led here... even though he's been told how you guys can help... I am skeptical he will even try. I truly believe he will have an excuse for not doing this too...

And how do you know this? You are supposed to be dark. Your WH does not exist, remember? He will learn nothing here that will of any value to YOU!

I am dark, I was told.

I changed my name on the .00000001 percent chance he actually does it.

He's so fogged out... I will be divorced and moved away before he even notices I left.

The only time he kinda wakes up is to put all his players back in the places he wants them in. He will wake for a second to round us all back up so we don't deviate from HIS plan. He's anger I realize is because I am not using HIS script anymore.

BAck to me now.. lol... For the first time in over a year I am going to be all about me... and I love that.

The longer I go in silence... the more I get to think... and lately (past day or so) I've been thinking along the lines he had been. Meaning if I had a positive comment such as, we can make this work we have love and work well together he would say, but you're messy and it gets on my nerves and I can't live with a messy wife (because thats a reason to divorce you know... curse me, cheat on me but never be messy or I will leave you hahahaha. Now I am replacing every "good" thought with a negative one. For example, we get along really well together... but he's lied to me and cut me out of his life for over a year while giving the best of himself to another woman and blaming ME for his infidelity... or... if I think I miss him... I remember him sleeping with his phone next to him in OUR bed so he could answer her calls/texts asap.

I am going to get there.

So STBS, What Plan B plans do you have for yourself?

Self-care? How are your DDs doing?


You're dark now and going to stay that way, and so we want to hear all about you.

StopTheBS your WH sounds just like mine. He was back and forth for a few months, content to have me for his back up plan. He would make contact occasionally.... and occasionally I'd text him. I tried not to contact him even before MB, because I didn't want to massage his ego. And that is what you are doing to your WH if you contact him via text etc. He thinks he can come back to you anytime, so he is free to explore his options. Do you see how worried he was when you didn't respond a few times? I think if you stop contact his affair will go to pieces.

In my case it took one year, with three months of very limited contact (I still haven't managed to cut off all contact either). But surprise, surprise, I stop talking to him and leave his backside and move and whaddayaknow 3 mths later it's finally over. Ha. MB has made me a believer. Now I am the one deciding my future, whether he will be in it or not. I like it very very much.

Six weeks into plan B I started feeling a lot better. Good luck to you on your journey. I still haven't painted my toenails....one of the recommended MB plan B activities argggh! lol.

So far I am focusing on not seeing this with the rose colored glasses and false hope I've been letting myself become stagnant in.

This weekend I plan to pamper myself and be totally on my own. Next weekend I am going to a friends party and the weekend after I am meeting a friend for lunch... I also have a standing Sunday early dinner plan (every sunday) with a friend who's been where I am...

I just need to be able to let go now. I wasted a lot of time trying to fix this and had so much hope we could.

I honestly do not think we are going to save this. I don't think he will wake up. I don't think he cares if he loses me. I don't think he freaked out because he wasn't hearing from me.. . I think it was because I didn't want to play the game anymore.

I do not take him seriously. He will never have a plan other than one that keeps her in his life. Losing me will not phase him. For a week or two, he might have trouble getting used to it... but he's done. So am I.

What did you mean by after 3 months it was over? Your marriage or his affair?

My WH is not going to end his affair. He is content on ending the marriage. I even told him there were stats... 3-5 percent that they will have a real relationship that won't end in divorce... 85 percent we can save this if we tried and 100 percent chance doing this "his" way will end in divorce.

Still... he did nothing to change how this is playing itself out.

He is not interested in saving our marriage - only on making sure his relationship with POSOW is the best thing that happened to him and making sure he proves everyone wrong. That I was the problem and she was his angel to save him from me.

Sigh...

There are days now that I wish I had just given up when he first left me. I would have saved myself all this misery that got me nowhere.

You know what really made me give up? I mean besides all this bs? When he said I was over reacting and making a mountain out of a molehill by insisting no contact.

THAT woke me up. Not at first... but the more the phrase popped into my head the more I realized he has NO idea how much pain he's caused. He has no remorse and never will since he thinks this all happened for a reason and she's his soulmate.. and the more I think how he laughed at me for being upset and then yelled that sentence at me... the more I realize... I could hope with all my heart for the rest of my life but that is not going to get me anywhere. He does not want to reconcile and he does not want to do the work. That is the hard part. Accepting this so I can move on. Sigh. I just don't want to cry anymore.

I can see no way out of Plan B once you go in it.

Plan B IS Plan D really.

If I can't believe anything he says. And I am having no contact. And I've asked not to be told anything more about him and his life. There is no way out of it.. even IF he changed his mind. He isn't going to change it, I know that. But even IF he did... it won't matter. I am dark.

My sister will never pass along any information to me. She thinks Plan D is the best thing for me now. She is not going to help him get me back - good thing too because he'd only be gaslighting her too.

I just don't see how he could even get a message to me if he was sincere and he probably - based on all other WH's - he will never BE serious. He will ALWAYS do this.

Lets say he cuts her off... he would NEVER write the no contact letter. And he would be back in touch with her within a week or 2 of getting me to listen to his BS... been there done that. He wants me as an option but has no desire to stay married to ME. He wants to be with her.

He wasted too much time keeping me as a backup... he used up too many chances going right back to her. He never wanted to stay married.

I am not listening to my heart anymore about this.

My heart screws me over and lets me get hurt. EVERY TIME.