I�m sure this example is a work in progress for her and I and it will be some time before we find the final solution. But I feel better just knowing we�re working together to find something we both will want to live with.

I�m often asked whether there�s a most common issue facing those who seek therapy, and usually I respond by saying that there really isn�t one issue that stands out, per se. However, there seems to be a common root to a significant number of issues that I help clients with, that is, �conflict avoidance�. The avoidance of conflict, both in the immediate- and long-term, not only has the ability to undermine the foundation for any healthy relationship, it more often than not eventually leads directly to its undoing. Unfortunately, this usually occurs with the direct �approval� of the avoider. In other words, if given the choice, some people would much rather see a relationship dissolve before their very eyes than risk facing the potential pain, awkwardness, or anxiety that often accompanies the act of being fully present and honest with another human being.

Couple�s therapy is often a place where this phenomenon is most evident. In fact, I can�t count the number of times that couples have stated with pride that throughout the course of their relationship they rarely, if ever, argued, as if that fact represented the gold standard for a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, it isn�t. It may be a relatively quiet and (externally) peaceful relationship, but it certainly isn�t a healthy one, primarily for two reasons: 1) it�s void of the full spectrum of human emotions, some of which include frustration, anger, and resentment, and 2) the entire relationship is based upon the avoider�s fear. Yet, upon hearing their declaration of �non-arguing�, I almost hate to disappoint them when they clearly hold it such high regard. But it�s typically never too long before I burst that balloon, and let them know that perhaps if they�d argued a bit more (in healthy and respectful ways, of course) they just might not be sitting in an office like mine.

Conflict avoidance, as is the case for conflict confronters, is a communication style that is often formed within the family of origin. For example, an adult who was raised by at least one parent who was a conflict avoider, may have learned early in life that avoiding conflict seemed to work best for that parent. (Note, however, that the concept of �worked best� doesn�t necessarily imply �healthiest�, rather it may just mean what seemed emotionally or physically �safest� for the individual under their particular circumstances.) Another scenario where a conflict avoidance style might be adopted early in life is where a child is parented by one, or both, parents who were conflict confronters � confronters who may have elicited a great deal of fear on the part of the child. Consequently, as a survival mechanism, the child will often do anything to avoid creating additional conflict within the family and will, in many cases, adopt the role of a �people pleaser� in childhood, as well as in their adult relationships, thus, becoming what we know as a �co-dependent� or �self-sacrificer� in the process.

Regardless of the origin of conflict avoidance, one thing is certain: both the avoider, and those around them, pay a huge price for the behavior � and often, as I said previously, the price paid may mean the end to many relationships over their lifetime. By definition, their relationships (other than casual acquaintances) tend to be time-limited, since it�s inevitable that all people in relationships will at one point or other experience conflict. And, if it�s not dealt with appropriately, or avoided all together, the only option is to remain silent, hoping the problem will go away by itself which, of course it never does. Consequently, the relationship dies either physically (it ends, and the people part), or emotionally (where people may stay together but where little remains between them). Regardless, it�s not that the conflict avoider is unpleasant to be around. On the contrary. The avoider tends to be on the surface, at least, easy-going, flexible, and eager to please. It�s wonderful having people like that in one�s life since one thing�s for sure, they won�t cause any conflict. But, underneath, most of these people experience huge amounts of resentment, even rage, because by sacrificing their �voice� � both literally and figuratively � their lives are often out of their own hands since they simply won�t �beg to differ�. As such, many end up experiencing lives so very different than they had originally hoped for (yet refused to fight for). Consequently, by honouring their commitment to �keep peace at any price�, most of their negative emotions are merely swallowed, at least until they find they can no longer do so successfully. At that point, the emotions of the avoider either erupt overtly or, more typically, they engage in the only form of anger they consider safest: passive aggression � another relationship killer.

So what to do? Well, if you�re an avoider, and you�re no longer willing to pay the price of seeing important relationships with others (and, by the way, with yourself, too) wither and die, then the first step is to find your voice, again, both literally and figuratively. Find the many ways in which you �hide� in relationships, and decide that you�re going to find the courage to begin speaking up, to begin showing up in your relationships, to begin to be yourself more fully. You have the right, after all, and, in doing so, you might be surprised at the freedom it offers you, a freedom that you�ve missed out on your entire life. Yes, it�ll probably mean introducing more conflict into your life, but once you experience the freedom of your own voice, you may never decide to sell yourself out ever again. And, because of that decision you�ll no doubt need to learn the sorts of tools that will help you deal with conflict. But that�s the second step. The first step is to begin speaking up, no longer being the �people pleaser�. In the �pleaser�s� place will stand a fully present and emotionally tangible person with a unique voice, who will be finally known by others, and, again, most importantly, by themselves.

So, again, how to begin? Get off the proverbial fence, take a stance, find your voice, and then�offer an opinion!

I�m often asked whether there�s a most common issue facing those who seek therapy, and usually I respond by saying that there really isn�t one issue that stands out, per se. However, there seems to be a common root to a significant number of issues that I help clients with, that is, �conflict avoidance�. The avoidance of conflict, both in the immediate- and long-term, not only has the ability to undermine the foundation for any healthy relationship, it more often than not eventually leads directly to its undoing. Unfortunately, this usually occurs with the direct �approval� of the avoider. In other words, if given the choice, some people would much rather see a relationship dissolve before their very eyes than risk facing the potential pain, awkwardness, or anxiety that often accompanies the act of being fully present and honest with another human being.

Couple�s therapy is often a place where this phenomenon is most evident. In fact, I can�t count the number of times that couples have stated with pride that throughout the course of their relationship they rarely, if ever, argued, as if that fact represented the gold standard for a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, it isn�t. It may be a relatively quiet and (externally) peaceful relationship, but it certainly isn�t a healthy one, primarily for two reasons: 1) it�s void of the full spectrum of human emotions, some of which include frustration, anger, and resentment, and 2) the entire relationship is based upon the avoider�s fear. Yet, upon hearing their declaration of �non-arguing�, I almost hate to disappoint them when they clearly hold it such high regard. But it�s typically never too long before I burst that balloon, and let them know that perhaps if they�d argued a bit more (in healthy and respectful ways, of course) they just might not be sitting in an office like mine.

Conflict avoidance, as is the case for conflict confronters, is a communication style that is often formed within the family of origin. For example, an adult who was raised by at least one parent who was a conflict avoider, may have learned early in life that avoiding conflict seemed to work best for that parent. (Note, however, that the concept of �worked best� doesn�t necessarily imply �healthiest�, rather it may just mean what seemed emotionally or physically �safest� for the individual under their particular circumstances.) Another scenario where a conflict avoidance style might be adopted early in life is where a child is parented by one, or both, parents who were conflict confronters � confronters who may have elicited a great deal of fear on the part of the child. Consequently, as a survival mechanism, the child will often do anything to avoid creating additional conflict within the family and will, in many cases, adopt the role of a �people pleaser� in childhood, as well as in their adult relationships, thus, becoming what we know as a �co-dependent� or �self-sacrificer� in the process.

Regardless of the origin of conflict avoidance, one thing is certain: both the avoider, and those around them, pay a huge price for the behavior � and often, as I said previously, the price paid may mean the end to many relationships over their lifetime. By definition, their relationships (other than casual acquaintances) tend to be time-limited, since it�s inevitable that all people in relationships will at one point or other experience conflict. And, if it�s not dealt with appropriately, or avoided all together, the only option is to remain silent, hoping the problem will go away by itself which, of course it never does. Consequently, the relationship dies either physically (it ends, and the people part), or emotionally (where people may stay together but where little remains between them). Regardless, it�s not that the conflict avoider is unpleasant to be around. On the contrary. The avoider tends to be on the surface, at least, easy-going, flexible, and eager to please. It�s wonderful having people like that in one�s life since one thing�s for sure, they won�t cause any conflict. But, underneath, most of these people experience huge amounts of resentment, even rage, because by sacrificing their �voice� � both literally and figuratively � their lives are often out of their own hands since they simply won�t �beg to differ�. As such, many end up experiencing lives so very different than they had originally hoped for (yet refused to fight for). Consequently, by honouring their commitment to �keep peace at any price�, most of their negative emotions are merely swallowed, at least until they find they can no longer do so successfully. At that point, the emotions of the avoider either erupt overtly or, more typically, they engage in the only form of anger they consider safest: passive aggression � another relationship killer.

So what to do? Well, if you�re an avoider, and you�re no longer willing to pay the price of seeing important relationships with others (and, by the way, with yourself, too) wither and die, then the first step is to find your voice, again, both literally and figuratively. Find the many ways in which you �hide� in relationships, and decide that you�re going to find the courage to begin speaking up, to begin showing up in your relationships, to begin to be yourself more fully. You have the right, after all, and, in doing so, you might be surprised at the freedom it offers you, a freedom that you�ve missed out on your entire life. Yes, it�ll probably mean introducing more conflict into your life, but once you experience the freedom of your own voice, you may never decide to sell yourself out ever again. And, because of that decision you�ll no doubt need to learn the sorts of tools that will help you deal with conflict. But that�s the second step. The first step is to begin speaking up, no longer being the �people pleaser�. In the �pleaser�s� place will stand a fully present and emotionally tangible person with a unique voice, who will be finally known by others, and, again, most importantly, by themselves.

So, again, how to begin? Get off the proverbial fence, take a stance, find your voice, and then�offer an opinion!

I know your push was for the coaching not so much that I hadn�t read the materials in the books. Having now read the 3 books I didn�t see much I didn�t already know. The joint agreement of following MB together was the key for us. That opened the door to what the coaching and the MB plan had to offer. It allowed my W and I to create new behaviors and habits that we�d never tried before.

But we both recognized it and set some directives to get back on track.

For me I have to separate all other things that cause me anxiety when I'm interacting with her. She isn't the source of my issues and thus she doesn't need to feel the repercussions of them. I vowed and am following through with being pleasant when I�m around her and she vowed to do the same.

If I can do my part then she�ll always be my source of happiness. I am pleasant, she is pleasant and when we�re both pleasant to each other all other things seem less significant. It�s like a shot of meds that make all other things less painful/stressful.

We did discover we don�t work as well together as we thought. We had trouble communicating during a small project her and I were trying to work on this weekend (this may be the mood setter I talked about above). We did manage to set a course of direction for the project and are getting close to its completion but after this experience I told her we shouldn�t count on these types of projects being the thing her and I do for UA RC time. So I suggested we sit down and find other things that would make us laugh and/or make us feel happy when we�re together. We may have to pull out the RC questionnaires.

To: Mrs. Alias
Subject: Recreational Companionship and Conversation
Hi Sweetie.

I was doing some reading this morning and stumbled across this from Dr. Harley:

It simply makes good sense for couples to take every opportunity to share recreational experiences because it's such an easy way to sustain the feeling of love.

But for some, especially men, recreation is not only an enjoyable diversion, but it also meets an important emotional need. It's something that often "keeps them going" For these people, recreational companionship is particularly satisfying. Those who share their favorite recreational activities with them build massive Love Bank accounts if they are of the opposite sex.

I encourage couples to spend most, if not all, of their recreational time together. It's one of the most efficient and effective ways to build the feeling of love.


... and that started me thinking about you and I. I've thought about this for years ... how you and I have sort of independent lives. I do my thing. You do your thing. We spend some time together but a lot of what we do together are things of necessity or family oriented activities versus things that just you and I do. It's like we're dependent on other things or other people to find things of interest to do. Well ... except for the remodeling stuff we've been doing and as we've found that seems to have created some pressure on us and isn't as fun as we'd hoped it would be. Although I am quite happy with how that little project is coming along. Thanks for the wonderful idea.

I would love it if we could find a few things that you and I would do together consistently that makes things fun for us.

I would love it if we had more to talk about then just my job, your job, our friends or families lives or things about the kids. Maybe if we found some fun things to do together we'd have more to talk about too.

If I don't know them all I would love to know what your dreams are.


Dr. Harley went on to say:

Most couples share favorite recreational activities during courtship. It's an important reason that they fall in love. But after marriage a host of circumstances prevents these activities from being shared, and before long they find it easier to engage in recreational activities independently. Since they do not join each other anyway, they pick new recreational activities that the other spouse would not enjoy. Eventually, such couples realize that they've "drifted apart" and wonder why.

In our case I started thinking ... what was it you and I did together when we were young and courting ... and all I could remember was that we'd simply be together ... and we'd go partying/drinking. That kind of saddened me. I thought there was more to us than that and maybe there is but my poor memory just can't recall what it was we did.

As I see it you and I get along pretty well. We have some communication issues where we kind of clam up and aren't always open and honest but we're working on that and I'm really encouraged. I hope you are too. I can see why we picked each other .... why we're together as we seem to try to be good to each other. We're both really "good" people and I must say I'm very lucky to be with you.

Still I'm a little nervous because I think there should be more to us than just being good to each other. My open and honest feelings are ... I'd like more than that for you and I.

Partying. I don't mind having an occasional drink, maybe a glass of wine a couple days a week or so, nor do I mind going to a party now and then where we have a few. But long gone are the days where that's all I want to do and I really don't care to drink a lot anymore. I think we differ a little on that and I know it's important for me to be honest about my feelings.

So I was wondering what your feelings were about where we are at in terms of stuff we do together. And do think you'd like to find other things to do together that would maybe increase our desires to be together?

If you would like to find other things could we look at one of Dr. Harley's lists on recreational activities and see if it helps? It's a questionaire. Would you be interested in going over it and putting in your opinions about these items?

If so this is the link to that webpage I was reading. At the bottom is the recreational inventory questionairre he's put together. There's room to add more if we have other interests we'd like to discuss and/or try.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4505_rei.html

Thanks and I love you.