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#2694428 01/01/13 08:41 PM
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Jhamila Offline OP
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Hi there,

You can read my story over in MB101 ("Best Defense is a Good Offense" - I'll post a link if I can figure out how to do that).

We separated at Thanksgiving because of his abusive, controlling behavior. I asked him to do a year's worth of treatment before I'd live with him again. He doesn't "think he's abusive," refused to go to a program for abusers, and wants a divorce.

I'm very sad, but my comfort is that he was only getting worse, my health was suffering, and I suppose it's better to be alone than married and hurting all the time. (yes?)

Now I'm going through divorce with a man bent on revenge. I find it odd that he posts Jesus messages on his facebook, but spews such hatred and hurt on his wife. Anyhoo, if anyone has advice for safely divorcing an abuser without being financially ruined, please let me know.

smile I try not to miss him when I'm lonely. Reliving the scarier moments usually cures me of that!


"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thank you Brain! You're the BEST.


"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen

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How r u doing today, Z?

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Block him on FB. Why are you reading his facebook? You have no children together, were not married long, just cut and run. If you were concerned enough about the abuse, you would not worry about the finances. Every penny spent or lost in getting away from an abuser is worth it.

In my case, it was physical abuse, so I had a restraining order and moved 3000 miles away, but still ended up having him put in jail for violations 6x while going through the divorce and once again while at divorce court for a felony theft warrant. So, I suggest you get a restraining order, or if you can't, put him out of your line of sight, permanently, and let the lawyers do the talking.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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On financials my advise is to pray every day and take advantage of every opportunity and help offered, dont let pride get in the way. For me I was always one quick to help others but never asked for help and didn't want to impose on family and friends. I ended up getting into another bad relationship/opportunist, divorce two for me now and i just cant make any more relationship mistakes for my kids sake. This time i am embraceing opportunities for help from family and friends so many opportunities have come my way and I really feel so much was not a coincidence but in response to my prayers. Hang in there. smile

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Hi Loves!

I had a great weekend! I'm making new (female) friends and catching up with old ones. I went snowtubing with some people & my kids on Saturday, and took myself to lunch yesterday with a book wink

The only sad part is that my church friends have been less than helpful. I was told today that some feel "awkward" and don't know what to say. They struggle because abuse isn't explicitly stated as a reason for separation/divorce in the Bible - so the people I hoped would the most loving and supportive seem to be the least. It's bringing me down a little. Another divorced Christian friend suggested I find a different church - which is a bummer. Shouldn't we Christians stop "shooting our wounded?"

Otherwise, I'm focusing on my life and moving on.


"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen

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Originally Posted by CWMI
Block him on FB. Why are you reading his facebook? You have no children together, were not married long, just cut and run. If you were concerned enough about the abuse, you would not worry about the finances. Every penny spent or lost in getting away from an abuser is worth it.


I know it should feel more "cut and dried" but I am still sad. This is good advice - I'll get rid of his FB.



"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen

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Originally Posted by ODAAT
On financials my advise is to pray every day and take advantage of every opportunity and help offered, dont let pride get in the way. For me I was always one quick to help others but never asked for help and didn't want to impose on family and friends. I ended up getting into another bad relationship/opportunist, divorce two for me now and i just cant make any more relationship mistakes for my kids sake. This time i am embraceing opportunities for help from family and friends so many opportunities have come my way and I really feel so much was not a coincidence but in response to my prayers. Hang in there. smile


Thanks ODAAT! I will accept help if needed.

I'm enjoying being on my own: I get to focus on my kiddos, myself, and my friends (female). It feels really good to have a deep-down peace: no more fear, no one controlling everything and everyone in the house. I love being able to sleep in or go out, or read or do something with my kids - no interference. I can actually live my life now! A girl could get used to this....


"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen

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The main pain-point with church-y people is that I feel totally victorious getting out before either myself or my children were maimed or killed. My church-y friends think I'm a failure for "giving up" on the marriage.

I've sat in a domestic abuse support group for a couple of months now: many of those women cannot see a way out and they cry week after week suffering at the hands of abusive and controlling husbands. I was able to escape intact and I feel like a warrior for my little family.

Why don't church-y people recognize this? Why don't they celebrate a woman finding her way to safety? I read a bunch of Christian websites last night and they keep referencing divorcees as "failures" who can "still be forgiven." I don't feel like I've failed...I have succeeded in keeping my babies safe!

I think I need new friends or something wink


"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen

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Originally Posted by Zhamila
The main pain-point with church-y people is that I feel totally victorious getting out before either myself or my children were maimed or killed. My church-y friends think I'm a failure for "giving up" on the marriage.

I've sat in a domestic abuse support group for a couple of months now: many of those women cannot see a way out and they cry week after week suffering at the hands of abusive and controlling husbands. I was able to escape intact and I feel like a warrior for my little family.

Why don't church-y people recognize this? Why don't they celebrate a woman finding her way to safety? I read a bunch of Christian websites last night and they keep referencing divorcees as "failures" who can "still be forgiven." I don't feel like I've failed...I have succeeded in keeping my babies safe!

I think I need new friends or something wink

Well I am pretty churchy... But no one in my world EVER suggested I was a failure for divorcing my wxh. I consider myself a survivor, not a failure. Yeah find new friends. smile

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Originally Posted by SmilingWoman
Originally Posted by Zhamila
The main pain-point with church-y people is that I feel totally victorious getting out before either myself or my children were maimed or killed. My church-y friends think I'm a failure for "giving up" on the marriage.

I've sat in a domestic abuse support group for a couple of months now: many of those women cannot see a way out and they cry week after week suffering at the hands of abusive and controlling husbands. I was able to escape intact and I feel like a warrior for my little family.

Why don't church-y people recognize this? Why don't they celebrate a woman finding her way to safety? I read a bunch of Christian websites last night and they keep referencing divorcees as "failures" who can "still be forgiven." I don't feel like I've failed...I have succeeded in keeping my babies safe!

I think I need new friends or something wink

Well I am pretty churchy... But no one in my world EVER suggested I was a failure for divorcing my wxh. I consider myself a survivor, not a failure. Yeah find new friends. smile


Thanks Smiling Woman. I think because he didn't have an affair, my churchy friends think I should stay/put up with it/try again, etc. It's like they don't realize that abusers need lots of long-term help to change: being a more submissive wife doesn't help - it makes it worse. I mean, this dude pulled a knife on his sister when they were teenagers and also spent time in prison for running a guy off the road in a rage. (I learned this from his family after I asked him to leave, they all said, "Oh, he's always been like that. We thought you'd changed him!") Guess I should've asked 'em years ago! mr eek

There is a startling lack of value for a woman's safety and well-being among my Christian friends. Affair? GO. Abuse? Stay & "try harder."

Agreed - I'll find new friends, though I'm sad this is the reality.


"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen

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There are too many women who "try harder" as it is...right into an early grave.

Lucky you for getting out. hug


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Thanks Karmasrose! You're so kind.

Dr. Harley and Joyce wrote me back yesterday - I sent them this question - they are AWESOME! He said I could find lots of churches that believe a marriage should be a relationship of extraordinary care & mutual respect - that perhaps our church may have been partially to blame for his abusive attitudes & entitled behavior. Sad frown

Crazy, the story Dr. Harley tells about a husband trying to kill his wife 3x, then burying her in a shallow grave (from which she escaped) - that guy was a Seminary Professor!! And the seminary actually told Dr. Harley that he was going against God's will telling her to divorce the guy, because "marriage is for life, regardless of abuse." That's pretty doggone sick.

No wonder my non-Christian friends sometimes don't like us Christians. I don't like all of us either. think


"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen

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I know! It's people like that guy and the WBBC that give the rest of the Christians a bad name.

"Regardless of abuse" ...

Let's see what the Bible says.

"Do not be harsh with your wife."(Colossians 3:19)

"Be thankful for your wife and realize the favor you have received from God."(Proverbs 18:22)

...I hope that woman got out of that situation!


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by karmasrose
I know! It's people like that guy and the WBBC that give the rest of the Christians a bad name.

"Regardless of abuse" ...

Let's see what the Bible says.

"Do not be harsh with your wife."(Colossians 3:19)

"Be thankful for your wife and realize the favor you have received from God."(Proverbs 18:22)

...I hope that woman got out of that situation!


He says she divorced him.

By the way, I love your signature quote...


"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen

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As a believer, fellow hypocrite, and general student of the Bible, I don't see anything in the Bible that says that separation in this situation is wrong. The Bible says not to separate, but if you do, be reconciled to your husband.

I take this to mean that you should try to avoid separation, but if you do, reconciliation is the highest priority. The idea is that using divorce to switch spouses is wrong (Jesus himself was very plain about that with the Pharisees), but separating to get away from abuse is an entirely different matter.

If it were me and my spouse was abusive (she was actually, but an affair is dealt with differently in scripture), I would separate (legally), tell her that she needs to get her act together, then go to plan B and wait.

One of three things will eventually happen, they will abandon the marriage, they will start up an affair then you divorce, or they will repent and reconcile.

No matter the outcome, it's plain that the divorce wasn't for the purpose of finding someone else, rather you are open to reconciliation if the wayward spouse repents, and you are free to remarry on more black and white Biblical grounds if reconciliation isn't possible.

Some may say that I'm overly conservative, and I would say guilty as charged. I tend to be black and white so for me this would be a way to do my best to do what I believe the Bible says.

I should add that the church I'm attending now would encourage this. They know that abuse isn't ok no matter what, but they also know that God hates divorce and always desires reconciliation.

ak

Last edited by ak1; 01/18/13 06:25 PM.
ak1 #2699969 01/18/13 08:45 PM
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Separation from an abusive spouse is mandatory. Trying to reconcile with an unreformed abuser is like trying to recover with an alcoholic...it won't work until the issue is fixed.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Quote
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
2 Corinthians 6: 14

An abuser can only abuse by unbelief. Unbelief that his actions have consequences. Unbelief that God is displeased when he fails to behave with kindness, patience, compassion.

You are unequally yoked.

You will die and fail your living family to submit to an unbeliever who declares war on his family, his wife, his heart and soul.

If you are in a congregation that chastises you for divorcing an abusive unbeliever, and says instead that you should cleave to an unbeliever, then you are with the wrong congregation.

Last edited by KaylaAndy; 01/19/13 04:35 PM. Reason: clarification of an incomplete sentence

Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Originally Posted by Zhamila
I'm enjoying being on my own: I get to focus on my kiddos, myself, and my friends (female). It feels really good to have a deep-down peace: no more fear, no one controlling everything and everyone in the house. I love being able to sleep in or go out, or read or do something with my kids - no interference. I can actually live my life now! A girl could get used to this....

It is a huge sense of relief, peace and eventually contentment when you get away from your abuser and start not only living your life for you, but raising your children in a non-abusive environment.

It is not just survival, but living and thriving.

Good for you Z removing yourself from the abuse.


"Get busy living, or get busy dying"...... The Shawshank Redemption.
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