So what snooping tools are you going to put in place?

You need to get a grip of this situation.

What snooping techniques do you have in place?

Immediate plans are to take care of me and the kids. H is going out of town for thee days for work. I already have a call into a therapist and will be calling the pediatrician and our church on Monday. I need to figure my stuff out before I can even address anything with him.

Can you hire a PI? They will be able to get the information as you prepare for Plan B. First you need to understand what's going on so you know how to fight it.

Not sure I have anything to fight for, how many times do you allow yourself to be mistreated before enough is enough.

have you read this? when to call it quits

This might help also.

Please listen to these radio clips on what are the reasons for divorce.

Radio clip at 5:45 When to call it quits
Segment #2

Just read it. He has completely shut me out for months, he has zero interest in meeting my needs or having me meet his needs. This has gone on for way too long. The only thing that continues to link us is the kids, that's it.

Will you be going into Plan B?
How to Plan B Correctly

H wants to move out so that would make a Plan B but that most likely won't happen for at least 30 days. My biggest concern here is the kids. I need to see a counselor for myself and also one for them. Just watching them play today and cuddle up with their daddy on the couch was so sad, they have no idea their world is about to be turned upside down.

Madty, are you saying you have no interest in finding out what is going on? I find your attitude startling.

H's behaviour is extremely odd and yet you show no desire to do anything proactive to find out why.

If there is an OW then she will become your kids stepparent. You alright with that?

What if he is clinically depressed?

There is a mystery here, a mystery which is going to break your childrens hearts and YOU are the only person who can figure this out. Get up and do it!

There is a cause for his behaviour. People don't behave like that for no reason. It may well be a cause which will bring further pain to you and your children.

Please snap out of this inactiveness and protect these poor kids.



You can't do Plan B without doing Plan A. Plan A is an active fight for the marriage and you can't Plan A for more than three weeks.

Eight years ago you didn't do MB properly. You picked and chose which advice you felt like following.

Please be more thorough today.

Madty,

sorry for the problems that have brought you here.

Sounds like you and H are both in the state of withdrawal.

I would get to snooping and begin plan A immediately.

Sounds like your marriage never fully recovered from the A years ago.

I can relate to your situation, I too returned to MB years later, my H had an affair that we never correctly recovered from, I went into full withdrawal for years, my H wasn't meeting my needs, and I wasn't interested in meeting his.

I would have probably listed communication issues as our biggest problem then as well, but the real problem was lack of UA time and both of our needs being left unmet.

My H did not have another A, but I believe 100% we were not only at high risk, but it would have happened again.

Your H travels for work? Another A risk factor!

You are here posting, obviously you want help for your M. MB works! All the tools and information you need is here, are you ready to get started?

This is exactly right. Communication only suffers when a couple has fallen out of love. It is falling out of love that is the real problem. That can be reversed with this program.

I know you feel you're done, but what is the harm with following the MB plans?

Plan A like a rock star while you put your snooping tools in place. Dr. Harley says 3 weeks of Plan A for wives, because of the health concerns. Right now you aren't even talking. If you would give it your best to follow the plans then what do you have to lose?

Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Don't you want to be able to tell your children the truth, instead of lying and saying "mom and dad just grew apart"?

How can you make an informed decision about Your family if you don't know the truth?

Madtv,

I hope you don't give up just yet. I too have been here for a long time and have tried to work the MB program alone only to flounder around unsuccessfully.

Your standard M counseling won't work. I say dump that therapist. My W and I went to one for quite a while and while things improved some it was never enough to make the big difference and eventually we ended up doing more of the same. Ignoring each other, concerned only for our own needs, focused only on raising the kids, etc.

Your current situation of withdrawal and no connectivity sounds all too familiar to me. I went into a deep withdrawal from my W and really was unsure where I was going. Something had to give and I knew it.
Add to it the fact you still probably haven�t recovered from his A what better place to get some help but with the resources available to you from the Harleys.

After being here nearly what? 10 years and constant reminders for some very wonderful posters I finally was able muster the strength to talk to my W about our sich and to get an agreement from her to use the counseling services offered here. It has made a world of difference for us in a very, very short time. We still have work to do but we�re meeting each other�s needs and now are working on the things that made doing so difficult (eliminating LBs, PORH and POJA). I am very happy today thanks to Dr. Chalmers and of course my beautiful, caring wife.

I really, really, really think you should give them a try. I don�t even think the online program is what you need. I think you need that referee, that coach, that is going to guide you to do things, to get you unlocked in your current behaviors. It doesn�t sound like you two are incapable of meeting each other�s needs you just aren�t willing. I know how hard it is to try when you�ve lost all hope � but there is hope.

Your situation sounds solvable and I�d hate to see you run from it without trying the best option available.

I am working on putting my plan together. Right now I'm not sure what I hope the outcome to be. I've got a lot of issues I need to get together. H is out of town and gets back tomorrow, we are suppose to talk after the kids go to bed. We'll see what happens...