This is my 1st posting. Almost 8 years ago my H had an affair that lasted more than 2 years before ending. There are alot of details I haven't learned; he's always been reluctant to talk about that whole period. I don't know who ended it, but the OW moved so there has been no contact in 5 years. It's been difficult and I went through all the feelings and phases outlined on this site but I thought we had weathered the storm. I learned over the holidays that H and OW met before Christmas. The OW has been transferred back to a nearby city. H hasn't mentioned the meeting and I haven't told H that I know. I'm completely terrified. I can't think of anything else. Am I over-reacting? What are the chances the affair has started again?

It sounds like the affair has started again. Can I ask why you are taking such a timid approach to all this? You are not likely to recover this way.

Why haven't you confronted your husband and put a stop to this?

Is the OW married? Has the affair been exposed?

I don't know - I feel incredably stupid. At first I didn't realize it. OW has a common 1st name and H has a number of clients with the same name. The meeting was just before Xmas, and I assumed it was a Christmas dinner with clients. And OW was supposed to be 5 years and 500 miles away.

When I first realized it could be HER, I thought I must be mistaken. This week I looked back thru his work calendar and OWs full name is there.

I don't know if this was the 1st meeting or the 1o0th? Was the last 5 years a farce?

Maybelline, I would start by confronting him about this meeting with the OW. The fact that he still has a lifestyle that allows him to have a secret second life is a huge problem. What did you ever do to recover his affair? Were any steps ever taken?

Is the OW married?

It sounds like nothing was ever done to recover your marriage. He should have given you all the facts about the affair and taken steps to change his life so this could not happen again. The door was left wide open for this to happen again.

How could you be sure the affair ever ended if he has a secret second life?

What snooping techniques do you have in place?

Also, have you read this?
Start Here First- Welcome Aboard

Maybelline do you have any snooping tools? GPS, spyware, VARS?

You need to get the facts. Get verification of what is going on. Then we will give you a plan of action.



Absolutely. The timidity here suggests to me that this WH gets q nasty whenever the A is raised as a subject. Probably he also critices her ability to trust.

Am I correct Maybelline? Has he been browbeating you into accepting his secret second life? That must stop now if so and he will have to start singing like a canary anything you want to know and proving his trustworthyness to you.

I don't know the term "secret second life"? My snooping techniques are pretty rudimentary - this week I've been checking his phone and calendar. I haven't done that in the last 3 years and it makes me feel sick and slimy all over again.

I thought we were sharing details of our daily life. We have the usual talks about how our day went, what was unusal, etc. I'm on friendly terms with his assistant, who often tells me what his day is like.

I agree that I wanted and should have gotten more information on the A. But (being completely honest here) at the time I didn't handle the facts I did get very well. And, well, it was just so damn painful to keep talking about. Every time we did, it never once felt theraputic, just like we kept ripping off the scab to expose the pain. No bravery medals for me.

If I had all the information on this site, maybe I would have handled it differently. It took a long time to get over and, even after 5 years I still have trouble hearing or even thinking the OW's name.

secret second life would be like he was maintaining a whole other life with her, while having you at home.

The vets here know what they're doing.

You're going to be told to do many things that don't sound like they'd work. But they will work.

The first thing to do is to find some way to snoop more. You need these facts. It's going to hurt, it's really going to hurt, but you can't keep going on like this.

Is it typical for ex's to reach out after such an extended time? And does it always signal that one or both want to rekindle the affair? For any of the former WS, could you ever reach the point where those feelings wouldn't resurface on meeting your OP?

Yes, very common.

That is why EPs(extraordinary precautions) must be put in place and maintained.

You need to put spyware on his phone and a keylogger on his computer, or can you afford a PI?

Did you ask him about the resumed contact?

Maybelline, it is very typical when a wayward does not implement extraordinary precautions to avoid rekindling the affair. By meeting with her, he rekindled his feelings and vice versa. This would be considered a rekindling of the affair. They have obviously stayed in contact for some time.

Here is what Dr Harley writes about this:

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Maybelline, we can help you recover your marriage, but it is going to take your willingness to confront this head on. It has come back up because it was not addressed before. It was swept under the rug. We can show you a better way; a way where your marriage really recovers.

May,

There are alot of details I haven't learned; he's always been reluctant to talk about that whole period.

Allowing secrets is allowing an intimacy between WH and OW which excludes you, I suggest you get a polygraph for WH.

God Bless
Gamma

one of the first steps of marital recovery is NO CONTACT FOR LIFE. and this is why that is so. the fact that they have met is a very dire sign, M. are you ready for this battle? the good news is that if you both do MB, you *can* rebuilt a mutually happy marriage.

husband won't (wouldn't) talk about a to help wife recover?
husband has met with OP? even after 5 years?
husband hasn't even mentioned it?

i'm sorry, M. this isn't going to be easy. are you ready?

Thank you all for your advice and assistance. I want you all to know that my H isn't an awful person, he's a good man and I've been proud to be with him. He was very remorseful, and has said many times that I'm the best part of his life. I have always believed he was ashamed of his actions during those dark years. It's hard to think he would once again put both of us through that again.

As afraid as I am (and I am, oh so afraid) I would take on anything if it means we can save our marriage. So, I've decided that the first thing to do is confront him. Deep breaths.

I wonder which will be worse - if he confesses and proved I'm right (oh yay:() or he convinces me there's nothing to it but that secret nugget of doubt remains.

I'll keep you all posted.





I have much to think about tonight.

Hello Maybelline.
I am so sorry you have found yourself here.
You CAN do this. Not easy, but doable. Follow what the vets say, post often, keep asking questions and sharing your thoughts.
We have all been there...

M, you don't have to defend him to us. we all, men and women posters alike, have all had a WS! around here, we refer to the spouse stuck in an affair as an "alien," because the person having the affair is nothing like the partner we have known and loved. the common metaphor for this behaviour is that of a drug addict.

we can help you no matter what the answer. let us know the result tomorrow. take care of yourself, and don't get stressed or commit any AOs (angry outbursts).

Good luck