My affair happened almost 4 years ago. I had been married over 30 years, my OP around 14. He has two children and I have three. We had known each other for 15 years. It began as innocently as these things do. Families grew up in the same town, went to the same church, etc. My husband actually saw the whole family professionally. Actually my BS and myself were at the OM and his wife's wedding. I was a worship leader at the church when he and his wife were still in college and when they returned to the church. We worked together then. Then my BS and I went to another church for a couple of years and through my youngest daughter wanting to be back involved locally again, we ended up coming back. During the years gone, the OM would stop by my business occasionally and we would talk - they wanted us to come back to church. During the first 6 months back, I didn't want to be involved in much of anything and he eventually stopped by and convinced me that I was the worship leader that the church needed.

So I came onboard and we started working together closely -actually the whole band was very close. We worked on the sets for worship, etc. Our families became close - dinners together, concerts, vacations, etc. When I recognized that my feelings for him were more than just friendship, I went overnight to a seminar and spent the whole night in my hotel room crying to God to remove the feelings from me. That night I received an email from him with a song. That was it - it was the start of a much deeper connection that grew and grew. We communicated much through music and lyrics.

That summer we confessed our feelings, our families went on vacation and at that point we knew it was full on. Later that summer it became physical. His wife had actually been reading our emails for about 1 1/2 years, but had never said anything about it - to him or to me - the emails during that time were pretty innocuous. My husband suspected, but of course I was never truthful with him - we were just friends. Then his wife discovered on email that said he had fallen in love with his best friend. She confronted, he confessed, the three of us met - she did not want anyone to know - not even my husband. We said it wouldn't become physical again, but of course it did. He tried to break it off once or twice, I did also - I wanted to tell my husband, but they would both convince me not to do it. Actually I sent him an email saying I wanted to leave the worhip team and leave the church, but he convinced me to stay - saying he would stand by my side if it all blew up. His wife professed love for me and my kids and my husband and didn't want anyone hurt.

About 4 months later D-Day 2 came when my BS found lyrics I had written on my computer. He confronted me and was very angry, I confessed - I could barely get my youngest daughter out of the house and by the time I got back he had told my other daugther. He met with the BS and talked to my OM on the phone that day. I met with the OM one last time that week, we sobbed, cried, went back home to do the "right thing".

The pastors met (one a long time family friend of ours that has even cut my BS off now) and decided our names needed to be read before the congregation. The whole thing became a scandal in the church and community. What followed was a nightmare. Partly because of how everyone was handling it and the gossip that ensued. My OM and I set up secret email accounts and tried to keep in touch for a little while - spoke maybe once a week on the phone - obviously know one knew and he lied to his accountability people. Finally, he decided he needed to confess and cut it off. I did the same - I pulled out the letters he wrote me and showed many people - I felt betrayed by him as well. His wife asked me for the letters and I gave them to her. We did see each other one last time almost 3 years ago now, and that was the last communication - except for showing up at a venue around our area with my daughter which his family was at. That was weird to say the least, but that was the only time.

The weird thing is - they live about 1/2 hour away - went to another church but tried to keep friends in common with us - I cut off the ones I knew were keeping regular contact. But two of the couples they wouldn't even know if it wasn't for me they decided to develop strong relationships with - one is related - that to me was bizarre. His parents still attend the church locally as to my inlaws. I went to church christmas eve and was treated horribly by his dad. But this is the church we were married in and my kids were baptized in. My husband continued to attend with my girls for three months and after the OM and his family left his wife decided she would surprise everyone and have their youngest baptized in the church - my husband had had it - he didn't trust the OM's wife anymore either because he felt she did it out of spite.

That first year was incredibly hard. My husband wanted to reconcile and we traveled a little, etc., really trying to make things work. Then about 1 1/2 years later my BS was being very secretive with his phone, locking it etc., I am a little more tech savvy than he is, so I was able to discover some odd texts coming in from a girl that worked for him. Then I discovered a piece of jewelry that he ordered for her - I waited for it to come in and asked him repeatedly what it was - he finally had to confess what he got it for. Not really having much proof other than the texts, I didn't confront for awhile. But finally about 6 months later I did - at first he denied it and then of course he confessed. Originally he said that it had only become physical "recently". then it turned into "feburary of that year" (this was in October about a year ago). Sex only occured on tuesdays and then later it was also on some saturdays. IN THE OFFICE!!.

I said you realize she has to go - but in order not raise any red flags they wanted to ease her out - so I waited almost two months for her to leave and she did. I honestly could understand her side - she was in love with my husband and was hurt she wasn't chosen either. I do know they had some communication in spring of last year and she tried to call several times in the summer because she said someonen was sending notes to her husband and she thought it was me (asking apparently did he know the reason she left her job).

Oddly enough my BS had all of the marriage builders material and was adament about NC for me, etc., and exposure but when it happened to him he didn't want to tell anyone. I told my bestfriend and my sister. My girls knew something was up and my youngest eventually confronted him because she had seen texts from this OW on her dad's phone during our family vacation that year. He confessed to her and eventually my other daughter but our son still does not know.

Things are better now - we do have fun together at times - but I don't know if he has any contact with his OW or not. He says he doesn't. There have been times we have discussed it and he would say "I haven't had any contact with her" and I would say "I didn't even ask you that question". But there are some times I wonder for sure.

It's been a long haul - sometimes I wonder if I will ever recover completely. We are not in a position to move (and I know you will say it's always an option) - it truly is not - the business is not one that can be moved. My house is full of triggers because of the times spent in this house with the OM) - I know his has to be to because they haven't moved and we were physical at his house).

I take full responsibility for my part. We counseled for awhile early on, but he didn't like what the counselor had to say to him about how long it was going to take to recover - he wanted it fixed immediately - and then 1 1/2 years out he had an affair which took us right back to square one.

Anyway -that's it in a very long nutshell - let me have it

Hi makesense, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Most marriages do not recover from affairs and it sounds like yours is no different. There is a very narrow path to recovery. It doesn't sound like you have followed that path in your marriage which is the reason your marriage remains crippled. The most glaring problem in your marriage is the lack of accountability and transparency with your husband's OW. Not telling her husband about the affair and keeping it a secret only makes it much easier for the OW to continually contact him. IT surprises me that you never informed her spouse. Why is that?

I would get the book, Surviving an Affair and follow the program outlined in there. Read the links in the first thread stickied in this forum. The first step, of course, would be to affair proof your marriage. Here is an outline of the program:

here

I don't know him, but I do know her although not well. She worked for my husband for 13 years. Of course he told me she was afraid of him - that he was abusive. I asked him how he knew that for sure and he said he didn't - it was only her word. It is actually a 3rd marriage for her.

My inlaws are elderly and I don't want to see them go through any more pain - it was the hardest thing I had to do to face them and tell them of my affair. They have been loving and forgiving.

like I said - he has told me (as far as I know ) when she contacted him. The last few times (last summer) was via a google voice number which you cannot trace. He doesn't answer numbers he doesn't know but after several calls she finally left a vm and he let me listen to it - then she called two more times when I was around - I answered the phone but she hung up. As far as I know that is it.

I will continue to read. it's been over a year since the affair was disclosed and I guess I don't want to open it up again. We have been doing fairly well really.

I knew about this site before but only recently got the nerve to really start reading and it has helped. I will continue.

Also, you say "most marriages do not recover from affairs". What is the percentage in your experience?

About 65% of marriages stay together, but a very small amount - maybe 20% - really recover. And the reason is because they don't follow the steps outlined by Dr Harley. Unless a marriage is created that is MUCH BETTER than the pre-affair marriage, the marriage will limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage. It is more vulnerable to an affair afterwards. It sounds like this has happened in your own marriage since your husband has had an affair.

Everyone I know who has followed Dr Harley's plan HAS recovered, though. I am proof of that.

I would get ahold of him and tell him all about the affair. Doing so will enable him to protect himself and his children from your husband and his wayward wife. It will also reduce the risk of continued contact when you have 2 people watching from both ends. He has a right and a need to know about the affair.


That misses the point though. Every time she contacts him, he is triggered and eventually the affair will resume, if it hasn't already. Telling does not prevent the triggering of feelings he gets. There should be no contact, period.

Don't keep his affair a secret, my friend. That is harmful to your marriage and to your husband. And especially harmful to the OW's husband who can't very well protect himself if he doesn't know. Your husband can't claim to be repentant if he continues to cover up his crime.

The more people who know about his affair, the more people to hold your husband accountable. That is a good thing, not a bad thing.

Let me put this another way. An affair is an addiction just like an alcohol addiction. If an alcoholic TELLS YOU whenever he drinks, will he be any less drunk? No he won't.

It is the same with this continued contact from the OW. Everytime she contacts him is the equivalent of an alcoholic taking a drink. Before long he is back to binge drinking because that one drink triggers his addiction.

They don't have children together. I don't know if he has any or not. Hers are grown and from a previous marriage.

That's fine. I wasn't suggesting that you tell his children, but the OW's huband. He has to know what was done to him behind his back.

Would it not be better to do some snooping to find out IF there is or has been contact recently? I have passwords to his email account and there is no password on his phone so that can be checked anytime. I have been reticent about putting a key logger on his computer just because I am afraid it might really damage it in some way.

The idea if reopening this can of worms is not palatable to me at all.

There are days though, even though I know he loves me and really does show it, I wonder if it is all about saving his reputation and the knowledge that we are in a no fault state and he knows (because he consulted an attorney after my affair) that things get split in half and that is mostly what keeps him here. I don't know really.

MS, it would be a great idea to put a keylogger on his computer and spyware on his phone FIRST. But I would expose the affair to the OWH regardless. Keeping it a secret like this only makes it much more likely that the affair has or will resume.

Many spyware programs have built in GPS, too.

A good keylogger is eblaster or spectorpro. With eblaster it will email you the reports, with spectorpro, you have to access the computer to get the reports. They have also have spyware for certain cell phones. The website is at spectorsoft.com

makesense, think about this for a minute. If your husband had an affair, wouldn't you appreciate it if someone had told you? Wouldn't you hate to be the only person who doesn't know the facts about your own life?

In our culture, we have this strange blind spot when it comes to something as destructive as adultery. And I don't understand why. We don't treat any other crime this way. For example, if you knew your neighbors bookkeeper was stealing his money, would you hesitate to warn him? Well, adultery is more destructive than embezzlement. People's lives are wrecked over infidelity. They get STDs, are wiped out financially, lose homes, get divorced. Children are never the same. The list is endless.

So why do we ever hesitate to warn someone about something so profoundly destructive? The rules with which we abide regarding adultery are surely from the wayward rule book. The notion that we should keep an affair secret only benefits the AFFAIR and nothing else.

Keeping this affair a secret is a huge reason why your husband is not repentant and is not serious about recovering your marriage. Keeping it a secrets keeps that avenue open for him and keeps the fantasy alive.

I think he wants to repair the marriage. He actually wanted that from the beginning when he found out about me. I wasn't the one that was ready. I was so selfish and dealing with my past, my feelings, my betrayal from the OM, friends who dropped me because more lies were told about my being the only aggressor when it was a two way street and both 100 percent responsible. Anyway, it was impossible to recover during those dark months and we had so much to deal with in that the other family was in close proximity, the OM's dad contacted my husband to consult with him about things from church, so many people connected to both parties, the BS of the OM continually approaching my youngest daughter whenever she would see her, constant triggers.

there is no question why he responded to this woman. I could not (or would not) meet his needs. I know what I did and I am so sorry. I don't ever want to find myself in that position again.

My husband is a good dad and a wonderful grandfather. He is respected in the community and I do not want to hurt him anymore. I have already hurt him so badly that I feel responsible for his affair.

Believe me I am not saying that what you are telling me to do is not correct, I am just saying I don't want to see the pain repeated. I don't want to inflict any more pain on him.

There is a huge difference between inflicting pain on someone and enabling him. The latter does harm him. You harm your husband by protecting him from the consequences of his affair. Hiding his crime for him prevents him from ever becoming repentant. It makes you an accessory to his crime.

And more importantly, you harm your marriage, your chances of recovery and most especially you harm the husband of this woman.

Your husband's discomfort at facing the consequences of his wrongdoing does not supersede the OW's husband's right and need to know about the affair. Your husband should feel discomfort about his wrongdoing. Don't take that away from him.

Your husband will never be truly repentant unless the OWH knows about the affair. As long as he is not repentant, the risk for another affair is great.

I am really not trying to argue at all here - I am very grateful for your help and responses. But isn't repentance about "turning from the sin" and if that's the case aren't you repentant? Or am I way off base here.

How is lying to your victim a demonstration of repentance? His victim has no idea what he did to him. By keeping this man in the dark, your husband is free to pursue his wife. And this man will be none the wiser.

Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God. John 3:20-21.

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11

Makesense,

You are arguing that your sin against your husband justifies your H's sin against another family. If your husband is a good person he will confess to the OWH.

God Bless
Gamma

Makesense, welcome to MarriageBuilders.

I don't think there's any Scripture that justifies a coverup when you witness to a crime. Covering up a crime from the victim (even if a moral crime rather than a legal crime per se) is a different sort of sin. Is that sin not also requiring of repentance?

If you want to get rid of all traces of the infection, I think you've got to get all the crud out of the wound.

Or you can settle for that uneasy feeling that might've brought you here, and learn to live with it, I guess, and let that be your marriage.