What you say rings true, for sure.

I don't believe he is pursuing her, however. Or maybee that's what I want to believe?

The other thing at work here is that it happened in the work place. I don't know what the state laws are, but this could lead to a harassment suit of some sort, even though it's been awhile ago.

If he is not pursuing her now, he will be soon. If you are a recovering heroin addict and you see heroin everyday, and have a chance to take it with none of the people in your life there to stop you, what would happen? You would take it.

The potential consequences of your husband's reckless behavior does not supersede the right and need of the OW's husband to know what your husband did to him. That cannot be used as an excuse to avoid telling this man the truth.

Your husband voluntarily took that risk when he chose to have an affair with a subordinate.

Don't help your husband be a bad man, makesense. Keeping his secret for him hurts everyone. And leaves a door wide open for the affair.

He CAN pursue her at anytime. And you would not know.. And she can pursue him too.

karmarose,

why do you believe he will soon be pursuing her? She has been gone from the office over a year. He works very long hours only 3 minutes from home. He is home every night. I am gone more than he is due to my commitments. Why do believe that over a year has gone and he will be pursuing her again?

He didn't even want to go to a graduation party of an employees of his because he feared she might be there - he took my daughter - she did not show up.

MS, you already know she is pursuing him. That is enough to keep him triggered. All he has to do is say yes and he can see her again. The fact that he is home every night means nothing.

It is ludicrous to debate over something you have no information about. What you do know is that he is free to pursue her and she is free to pursue him. And you would never be the wiser.


And yet he went to an event where the OW might have attended. Why would he do such a thing if he understood the danger?

The problem is that you and your husband have not taken even the very basic steps necessary to prevent an affair. Nothing has changed.

The door has been left wide open for the OW to continue to contact him AND your husband attends events where he may see the OW.

You can't recover a marriage this way.

It is true that things have been way different with the handling of his affair verses mine. Two months after she left the office, the office staff had a going away party at a venue for her. He did not tell me he was going. I got a call from one of the other employees that night (he was going to calling hours for someone and he did do that). She wanted to know what he wanted for dinner and she mistakenly called my home number. I just said for her to call him on his cell - he was available. Then the employee got a little frustrated and said to my husband later "I hope I didn't get you in trouble".

I kept quiet and until he called me and then said where he was and I calmly said "yes I know, xx called me". He was silent and said he had to stop by because neither of the other two partners ever go to anything office related. I told him that it didn't matter - he could have told them he could not go and have one of the other partners pay for it or even have the other employee get a receipt and reimburse it.

It was not a good night. Since then I have no idea really. I know he did confess to me he went to calling hours (for one of his employees parents) and took his parents with him and she was there but he did not speak to her.

That was all last feb-mar. Then the phone calls during the summer. As far as I know nothing since then.

But the curious part is he does clear out his texts and his phone calls on his cell. I hardly ever do that - only like every three months. That is odd behavior.

He's in contact. Why else would he clear those things?

I SMELL A RAT, as others here have said.

"But the curious part is he does clear out his texts and his phone calls on his cell. I hardly ever do that - only like every three months. That is odd behavior."

It is not odd behavior for someone in an active affair; it is standard. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. But you shouldn't take my word for it. Put spyware on his phone that has a built in GPS and you can see for yourself what he is doing.

Also can you afford a PI?

okay - what spyware can I put on there (phone and computer) that he cannot detect and will not harm the phone or computer.

No - I cannot afford PI - sorry didn't see that post.

Here Keyloggers

What kind of phone does he have?

iphone

Ok try these.
iPhone 4S help
iPhone Help

I think I found the back up files but its all jibberish

Makesense,

No - I cannot afford PI - sorry didn't see that post.

The cheapest PI you can get is to tell the OWH what went on, he will keep an eye on OW for you.

God Bless
Gamma

How true.

Repentance can also mean "to change your mind"...

one of the building blocks of your new marriage with your husband might be HONESTY and you, in your repentant walk might change your mind and decide that no matter what....from now on you, your family and your household are going to be committed to HONESTY and TRUTH. No more hiding in shame and cover ups.

Also...

Moving far away might not be possible at this time but you mentioned the house itself was a trigger and you still seem very foggy and reminiscent about your OM. Perhaps you can move our of THAT house and across town further away from OM, his family and the people that remind you of him. You and your husband need a fresh start and a big project like moving might be something you can plan and do TOGETHER as you build a future together.

Mr. W

p.s. - Perhaps your husband can move his office down the road a bit too