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Hello. It has been a great source to find this site in general and such helpful advice in the forum.
Today I want to take the next step and share my story....
I have been married for over 13 years. A blended family. For both of us it is a second marriage ( my first husband died of cancer very young). We have six children combined all now adults except two. We have faced many outside challenges but in general I really believed we had a solid marriage. In the last 1-2 yrs I felt as if my husband was much more distant and attributed it to our financial concerns. But this last year he was so distant I actually accused him of " acting like a single person"....but still really had no idea.
We set sail for a long planned cruise in October. Things had been strained but I thought this would still be an opportunity to break away and connect....little did I know my life would change! We received urgent calls and text regarding our business. I had to communicate via text some important information that was timely so he could not deny me his phone. ...A text came across stating " I miss you"...so I began to look thru the entire phone.....my world change. It was clear to me my husband was having affairs with multiple women. After documenting a few I finally gave up and returned to the cabin to confront him...He knew the real person he had become was exposed.
To summarize he confessed to having sex with three women over the last year and phone conversations/text with multiple women. He stated that he felt rejected over the last few year and truly felt I was planning to end the marriage because I was disappointed in him financially. He also state he had been unable to openly share all his concerns with me since 2006 following my sons injury ( major brain injury). He swears that the women...specifically the attention and admiration ...only provided a substitute of what he craved from me and his way of staying in a difficult situation.
He immediately ended all contact with all and we together ended contact with the three women whom had a sexual history. He provided passwords to cellphone and computer. I have access to monitor the personal and business call logs now. ...Its strange because he says that he is relieved to be done with the lie and dread of disappointing me...what is weird is that I can see he is much happier....it at times infuriates me because I am stunned and completely miserable at times.
He has been extremely attentive and willing to work on the marriage. But part of me is now closed/dead! Many of his concerns about the marriage are valid but another life was not the way to cope. ....
How can I ever really trust again!!!
I would really love to hear from some of the men who could shed some light on this for me. Could this just be a life phase or is this the character of the man?
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Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.
Are any of the OW married? Who knows about the affair?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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How can I ever really trust again!!! Hi Sunlove, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here.  As far as trust goes, you should not trust him. It was too much trust that allowed him to conduct a necessary secret second life. You shouldn't make that mistake again. I would really love to hear from some of the men who could shed some light on this for me. Could this just be a life phase or is this the character of the man? It is due to poor boundaries and a weak marriage. Your husband is probably not a bad man, but placed himself in tempting situations by observing poor boundaries around women. This is why it is so important to change the environment that led to his affairs. Where did he meet these women? On the internet? If so, then he shouldn't be on the computer without you. Your marriage can recover if you follow a strict and narrow path. Otherwise, you are probably looking at repeat affairs. You can avoid all that and have a super marriage if you follow this plan, though. Get the book Surviving an Affair and this is the plan outlined there: " The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Also, who are these OW? Are they married and if so, have you informed their husbands? Have the affairs been exposed to your family, children and friends? Exposure is one of the most important first steps towards recovery. "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." "The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It sounds like he is blaming you and trying to portray himself as a victim: "He stated that he felt rejected over the last few year and truly felt I was planning to end the marriage because I was disappointed in him financially. He also state he had been unable to openly share all his concerns with me...He swears that the women...only provided a substitute of what he craved from me and his way of staying in a difficult situation." Did he actually suggest that he committed adultery as a last-ditch attempt to save the marriage?
Also, affairs are very similar to an addiction. If your husband had truly cut off all contact with these women, he would be going through a period of withdrawal. He isn't acting like he is going through withdrawal.
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The other women:
Two of the sexual relationships are with women he meet during work. One is a distant(out of the country) previous friend he reconnected with after 20 years. This affair he admits was very emotional and she was a friend he could talk to and get advice about the marriage (uhhg!). None of the women are married. I have spoken with two of them directly via text. Two of the women were aware he was married. One was deceived into thinking he was divorced. Most of the women he claims to have only talked and text with are women he meet at functions/parties he participates in with his social club. This is an activity that over the years I have participated in less and less due to being busy with the kids ( so I know addressing recreational time is an issue)
Boundaries:
I truly agree. He has increasingly demonstrated poor boundaries. To be honest not just with women but especially with women. Even in business anyone who has a sad story or need -even if it is contrary to our rules or prosperity - will get a listening ear from him. I truly feel he craves a need to "rescue-save the needy". Each of the women he had sex with are presently in difficult situations. To paraphrase his take- he says he most liked the appreciation and acknowledgement of his advice and counsel to these women and the sex meant very little to him. In fact he claims he was not able to completely perform with two of them but felt they expected it of him. The sex with the friend he admits was fulfilling.
Exposure:
There has been some exposure. His parents, (my parents deceased)my daughter and all of the women have received letters. We are self employed so that does not apply. He actually agreed immediately to end all contact even before we returned from our trip and I discovered this site.
Addiction:
No. Actually he does not appear to be sad about ending the contact. He swears that the entire situation was a heavy burden. That he found himself deeper and deeper than he ever imagined he could go and felt lost. I know the entire situation is stressful. He has lost over 15lbs since October (the exposure). But we have spent very little time apart. He says he is committed to showing me it was a mistake to listen to negative things in his head. He says he feels like an [censored]. That he is nervous because I can not firmly say if I will continue the marriage.
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JessicaClaire:
Yes. I had to ask him to repeat it a few times myself to make sure I was hearing correctly. But somehow he convinced himself that having affairs would make him able to tolerate the rejection. ---mmmm
Well, He admits it makes no sense. He says its impossible to understand the logic of a person under such a dark cloud. That once lies and rejection mix the decline is dark and long
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I truly feel he craves a need to "rescue-save the needy". Each of the women he had sex with are presently in difficult situations. To paraphrase his take- he says he most liked the appreciation and acknowledgement of his advice and counsel to these women and the sex meant very little to him. I sorry sun but this sounds to me more predatory than rescuer. You rescue people by helping them not taking advantage and sleeping with the. when they are vulnerable and then dismissing them as meaningless.
BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
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... Most of the women he claims to have only talked and text with are women he meet at functions/parties he participates in with his social club. This is an activity that over the years I have participated in less and less due to being busy with the kids ( so I know addressing recreational time is an issue)...
"women he met at functions/parties he participatesd in with his social club..." (past tense),
or whether you meant to say
"women he meets at functions/parties he participates in with his social club..." (present tense)?
Does he still participate in this club?
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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But we have spent very little time apart. He says he is committed to showing me it was a mistake to listen to negative things in his head. He says he feels like an [censored]. That he is nervous because I can not firmly say if I will continue the marriage. sunlove, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am very sorry for the reasons that brought you here but you are in the right place. Many of us have fully recovered our marriages by using the Marriage Builders program. It is different from any other marriage program in that it has a step by step program for the recovery of a marriage after an affair that really does work. The way it works is to first affair proof the marriage so this never happens again. For example, the environment that led to your husbands affairs needs to be changed to ensure this never happens again. The second phase is to create a romantic, integrated, open and honest marriage. This is outlined in Dr Harley's book Surviving an Affair. Here is an outline of his program: "The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. <snip> Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Predatory Actions
Well said ...I too have stated to him that he is using his abilities in the lowest forms...manipulation and lies to all... to serve only his one needs. And he wonders why he has not been able to fully prosper in financial areas....God can not be fooled!
Social Club
He has not returned since October. I really do not know what to do about this one. It is a cultural activity and has been a part of his life since moving to the US. I do enjoy going but not nearly as much as him and to be honest I am now uncomfortable with the idea of being around the people. I would guess from my reading of this site we should try to forge some new activity to feel that need but that kind is really limited in this area.
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Sunlove, one of the most important steps in recovery is to change the environment that led to his affairs. That would include his participation at this social club. He should cross that off his list entirely - that is not even negotiable because it is a basic extraordinary precaution to prevent another affair. Instaed of wasting time going there, he could be devoting 20 hours a week going out with you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks so much for all the advice and positive energy
I agree this area-Social Club - must go. I have not been firm about this because in the last month he has given up so much: the phone number, passwords, business call tracking etc.. but deep down I know that this lack of firmness with him is part of the boundary problem.
In retrospection I see how this socialization provided a ripe environment for straying. I know both his last girlfriend and wife well ( shared in raising kids). Neither complained of him being unfaithful. The primary complaint was his immaturity with friends and balancing priorities. He married very young. For years this was not a problem when he moved here because I was the only person he knew. But when I carefully look at a few of the guys he is close to at the club now ....(I am not blaming them...he is an adult and responsible for his actions ...but the energy and company we keep has a way of penetrating )
The good news is we are together and enjoying each others company daily and scheduling dates. Yesterday we enjoyed a dinner with several couples ( a friend of his culture (but not club) . I really praised him for picking an event and people that support the goals and values of commitment. As you know he loves admiration so he ate it up
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Although things are going well I am determined to never live in a lie again.
Through wondershare and computer back up I have been able to obtain his phone text dating back to 2/11 ( the boldness!!..he never erased anything). So I can put the picture together to that point. I also have his old Blackberry which would take me back thru 2009. The phone has 54 new messages and god knows how many old since it appears he does not erase much. ...Problem.... he does not remember the password(so he claims) I am not going to feel I can move forward without knowing if anything was going on before (his claim). Again the question is was this wayward activity or simply who you are?
Can you guys advice? He says he has told and given me everything to make a clean start. Is it wise to go back further. Is there any recommendations on how to get the messages from the old phone?
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Although things are going well I am determined to never live in a lie again.
Through wondershare and computer back up I have been able to obtain his phone text dating back to 2/11 ( the boldness!!..he never erased anything). So I can put the picture together to that point. I also have his old Blackberry which would take me back thru 2009. The phone has 54 new messages and god knows how many old since it appears he does not erase much. ...Problem.... he does not remember the password(so he claims) I am not going to feel I can move forward without knowing if anything was going on before (his claim). Again the question is was this wayward activity or simply who you are?
Can you guys advice? He says he has told and given me everything to make a clean start. Is it wise to go back further. Is there any recommendations on how to get the messages from the old phone? Have you had him do a polygraph?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Thanks so much for all the advice you guys have given to me and others. I have learned much and found the courage to take some steps and your advice often so again thanks!.
Update. We have continued spending many hours together and working on him revealing the details of the affairs that have occurred over the last years.
It has been very painful. ...Despite the pain I want to know...I never, ever, ever want to live in denial or a lie again. We must get walk though this fire to move on-no matter the outcome. He has disclosed some more things than I found on my own but I plan to still have a lie detector completed. If everything is out.. he should have no problem. I am thinking of scheduling the test and informing him only right before the appointment so he has no time to try any tricks. Those of you who have completed this please feel free to advice.
Okay. That's what going on with him. My biggest problem right now is the anger I feel inside. He is very attentive, checking in routinely and really making an effort....but it may be to late! At times I am so disgusted with myself for being blind (or not following my instincts at times) that I am blind with anger. I have asked him to leave twice already. He has given me some space in the house but says he will not give up and leave. This is only making me more angry at time. To be honest I really do not know what I want so I understand why he is confused.
I am trying prayer and meditation. But really what in the hell do you do with all the anger that builds from such a betrayal?
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Thanks so much for all the advice you guys have given to me and others. I have learned much and found the courage to take some steps and your advice often so again thanks!.
Update. We have continued spending many hours together and working on him revealing the details of the affairs that have occurred over the last years.
It has been very painful. ...Despite the pain I want to know...I never, ever, ever want to live in denial or a lie again. We must get walk though this fire to move on-no matter the outcome. He has disclosed some more things than I found on my own but I plan to still have a lie detector completed. If everything is out.. he should have no problem. I am thinking of scheduling the test and informing him only right before the appointment so he has no time to try any tricks. Those of you who have completed this please feel free to advice.
Okay. That's what going on with him. My biggest problem right now is the anger I feel inside. He is very attentive, checking in routinely and really making an effort....but it may be to late! At times I am so disgusted with myself for being blind (or not following my instincts at times) that I am blind with anger. I have asked him to leave twice already. He has given me some space in the house but says he will not give up and leave. This is only making me more angry at time. To be honest I really do not know what I want so I understand why he is confused.
I am trying prayer and meditation. But really what in the hell do you do with all the anger that builds from such a betrayal? Have you read this? There are questions that other posters have used and some radio clips from Dr. H. There are some good ideas. Let us know. Polygraph Testing
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Update:
It has taken some time and effort but the lie detector test was scheduled and completed. WH was initially surprised and reluctant but than decided he would complete it to show he was being honest about everything.
The company selected specialized in testing for the police and bonding but also has a program for infidelity. They had all the required certifications and came highly recommended by the Better Business Bureau. Service was professional and very detailed. The test was limited to 4 of my questions regarding infidelity and many baseline questions. Some of the baseline questions for lying were "Have you lied to your wife in the last day?, week?, month? 90 days?, 6 months?,year?. Have you had sex, fantasized, masturbated or communicated with any one other than your wife in the last day?, week?, month? 90 days?, 6 months?,year?. The test focused on HR and is much more accurate than those focused on breathing and body movement alone.
Well with that said...the results indicated he was truthful regarding my 4 questions. It also showed he last lied over 90 days ago and had not had any sexual activity/thoughts with anyone other than me in the last 6 months.
There has been so much deceit and betrayal that I still have many questions. However , the process was helpful and did relieve a heavy burden in my heart regarding his possible infidelity with a distant family member(he has always denied ). The other questions also revealed that his sexual activity with the other women was not very emotional or intimate as he had previously stated.
We have continued to spend many hours (3-4) together daily. He is most pleased with the exercise we are doing 3-4 days a week. We are also setting aside 2 x a week to discuss the marriage.
So i think i am ready to move to the recovery phase. I still can not say with certainty with marriage will make it. But i am committed to trying. I also think it is important to work on myself right now. The more sound I am as a person the more certain I will be about my future come what may.
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