Well to start off with, we are buying one of those 5000 (or more) piece puzzles. Something that we can glue together and hang on the wall in a frame when done. It will give us something to work on each night together after the kids are in bed.

Sounds kind if lame I know, but I'm kind of looking forward to it. We plan to POJA the puzzle purchase first.

the puzzle sounds like fun! my H and i love board games (puzzles are kinda like board games to me).

doing the ENQs isn't as labourious as it sounds. well, it is the first time, because it's hard to both think of what specifically you need to feel fulfilled AND to relay that to your spouse. make sure you follow the instructions in the book on how to do this so it is not full of pitfalls or argumentative. you need to respect each other's needs and meet them in a way that is pleasurable. after that, it's a checkpoint, because ENs change over time - as she falls in love with you, those intimate needs will become higher on the list. this is good, because meeting those needs helps you stay in love. also, you may have realised over time how you *really* like for a need to be met, and want to share that. it's a nice way to spend couple time learning about each other, too.

just as a for example, originally, O&H was my #1 EN. but after i started receiving it regularly, it fell down the list. this doesn't mean it's not/no longer important, but that affection & SF were *more* important for me to feel in love.

i think mel mentioned above that your UA time should be spent meeting the most important ENs to create that "in love" feeling, so while you're puzzling, you want to be affectionate, have IC, etc. i'm sorry to hear that you didn't feel "in love" on your wedding day UA time is the best, though. the whole point of MB is to create the incredible marriage you always wished to have. it doesn't matter what the state of it was before this crisis. you can still create a great marriage!

can the two of you can get away for a short break? dr harley recommends a three week vacation for spouses to reconnect. being away from the regular routine really helps couples focus on each other. if you can't take a real holiday, do try to get away for a weekend or "mini-break." it doesn't have to be a flashy hotel, just away from home with the two of you. turn off the phones, no computer, just you two.

I think three weeks would be out of the question really. We don't have family we could leave the young kids with that long. Even one week is probably out of range. We could probably get away for a couple of days at most.

I'll bring it up though. It would be great I agree.

FTF,

Not lame at all, you have to spend time together if you want to have a shot at it, it almost doesn't matter what you do together either. Dr Harley recommends a minimum of 15 hours.

Before MB I rarely went grocery shopping with my W, we went to separate churches, but now we do those things together and those short duration activities do help. It would be ideal if we both compromised on activities, but I would rather give my marriage a chance than get my way.

God Bless
Gamma

IT takes 15 hours to MAINTAIN romantic love and 20+ hours to CREATE. It should be scheduled in 2 to 4 hour blocks to be effective.

Your puzzle is a great UA time activity! I would be sure and pack in several dates per week though. UA time spent at home is not nearly as effective as UA time spent out on dates. Time spent at home is not nearly as romantic as getting dressed up and going out on dates.

Harley wrote this over on the private forum:

If you could get out for a weekend alone every 3-4 weeks, that would make a huge impact on your efforts.

I did go to the effort of finding a regular baby sitter. We have discussed a local place we can go to play pool occasionally. I'd like to work this into our regular schedule.

Perfect!!

The W got a neighbor friend to commit to watching the kids tomorrow evening (for free!) so we can go out to dinner!

I still don't think we are going to make it to 20 hours this week though. Too many things got in the way. We have a sick dog we had to take to the vet, and the kids didn't get to bed early enough.

Best thing to do is to order that workbook and sit down and schedule out your week. That way you can put less important things AFTER your dates. Schedule the majority of your UA time away from your home so it is not contingent upon your kids getting to bed.

UA time after your kids go to bed is not very effective because your kids can get up and because it is way too easy to get distracted with chores, phone calls, TV shows, etc.

FTF,
You're doing great keep it up.
Don't let anything keep you from the 20 plus UA hours a week!
Look over your schedule again,you will find things you can live without to get that time in.
It is too important to you and your FWW's recovery.

Are you guys who are doing this for real really getting out of the house 3-4 nights a week for hours at a time?

FTF,

On the 15-20 hours, it's also important that your WW is spending more time with you than anyone else, with the exception of your immediate family. If your WW really only has 5 hours left over because she is with her disabled mother at a nursing home, it important that 4 of those 5 hours are not spent talking a symphatheic co-worker. Simply put we become bonded to people we spend more time with.

There would even be a danger to your marriage if WW was spending 30 hours a week with OM and 15 hours with you in the absence of very extraordinary precautions.

God Bless
Gamma

Well, she is a SAHM for now. She left her job after the A. She watches a couple of kids during the week after school for some extra money.

She isn't spending more time with someone else at this point for sure.

I was just wondering how many here "walk the walk" on the 4, 4 hour block suggestion. Particularly those with young children.

FTF,
I spent many a sleepless night on the very same two questions.
Dr. Harley describes the feeling of love to be finding someone to be irresistible.Wanting to be with that person.
What I came to understand was since my FWW was in love with POSOM due to him meeting some of her unmet EN
she had the overpowering desire to be with him coupled with the secret nature of an A she HAD to put a lot of effort in to her A in order to
1. keep it a secret and
2. To keep him interested.
Your first concern will be to create the feeling of romantic love in your FWW towards you by meeting her top 5 EN's.
Then you also have to tell her what your top 5 EN's are so she can meet them for you.
My FWW was shocked that I would want her to " put in the effort" as I called it.
I assumed she would know that most all men would want to meet at a motel JUST FOR SEX or send them a sexy text giving updates on how much she was looking forward to it.
The point is she didn't think about doing these things with me because I never let her know that I would very much like that kind of effort. After all SF is my #1 EN and it is my job to let her know that.
The second one was harder to understand.
I wanted my FWW to read SSA she didn't think she needed to. If I insisted on her reading it after she expressed reluctance it would become a SD.
That's where POJA comes in and learning how to negotiate without LB's.
Long story short she and I agreed to read it together and she is now 100% on board with MB!
It not only takes UA and input on EN but also care to nurture the
desire to create the great marriage you want.
Sounds to me that you are well on your way! Keep your eye on the prize and remember that you are refilling a love bank that has been depleted!

The ones in the recovered, happy marriages DO and the ones in the unhappy, resentful marriages DON'T. The reason is because if you can't find the time, it means you don't put your marriage FIRST. If you don't put your marriage first, you will have an unhappy, unrecovered marriage. And keep in mind, this program doesn't work without this step. It is impossible to restore romantic love without doing this because unless your are spending 15+ hours of UA time each week, you are not doing enough to sustain your marriage.

Anything that comes BEFORE your marriage will eventually come between you. My question to those who can't find the time: do you find time to go to work? If so, then why can't you find time to do something that is more important than your job?

Even so, you don't have to do a single damn one of these steps. This entire program is voluntary. It just doesn't work unless you use the entire program.

here

People here have a variety of resources at their disposal. Some who earn good salaries are able to pay for a sitter 3 or 4 nights per week. Some are able to draw upon family for free childcare. Dr Harley said that when his kids were tiny and his wife was a SAHM, they had both sets of parents living nearby, and they used both sets and still spent money on sitters. I read recently that they had a list of ten sitters on hand.

If you do not have family to draw upon free once or twice a week (plus a paid sitter), your wife could try minding other people's kids during the daytime (not full time, unless she wants to!) in return for a couple of evenings per week, or she could charge money for watching kids in the daytime and use that to pay babysitters. Mother and toddler groups are good for finding swaps, or finding someone well-off who will pay for a couple of mornings' freedom. I met people like this in my mother-and-baby group.

You could leave the kids with the grandparents one weekend afternoon every week (added to the paid babysitter and perhaps a childcare swap). Drop them off, go for lunch or an early dinner and pick them up.

If you can possibly leave the kids overnight one night every week that would be fantastic.

You have to be really creative, but you MUST make this work. Your wife is probably like a lot of women, fulfilled and happy to be bringing up her kids but DESPERATE for grown-up company by the end of the day, and missing the romance that brought you two together. She would love to go on dates 4 times per week.

That has the potential to be an extremely negative conversation. Dr. Harley's usual advice is to ask what emotional needs the affair partner met so that you can meet those better than the AP could have.

DoNoMo,

You are right, and Dr. Harley says that concentrating on this would be a distraction, but this question was in his radio show. He was asking the WW, just a week out from NC, if there was something in particular that she found sexually unattractive that her husband has some control over. It turned out it her case that it was just some different body part arrangement, height or big muscles. Dr. Harley said that once she was in love with her H, this wouldn't be an issue at all.

However, if it's something like being overweight or poor hygiene, then this would be something to change that he would have control over. And actually should this change be necessary, it would be part of meeting a need for physical attractiveness.