Unfortunately, I find myself here needing advice.

Basic information is in my signature line. I have ordered the Surviving an Affair book, which should arrive soon. I have reviewed most of the website on Surviving an affair, emotional needs and Plan A and B.

Complicating factor is that we spend most of the week (except for vacations and holidays-about 10 weeks a year) apart due to jobs. About 3 years ago, I had to take a job in a new location. It is a really fantastic job-it allowed me to get out of debt. WH will not think of me resigning and returning to where his job is located-I have suggested it a few times over the years.

I suppose the problems are distance related but also due to us both withdrawing from each other. Neither one of us was meeting the emotional needs of the other. Then I just found out about the A, last month. I immediately left and WH begged me to come home. Said he would do whatever I wanted, he would move to be with me, etc. So, I did. Since then, he has withdrawn and said, although he is willing to try, he needs some time and space to figure things out. So I am totally in Plan A for now.

Any general input is appreciated. In addition I have a specific question. I indicated when I came back that I could not try if he had anymore contact with her. He did break it off and, because I can read his iPhone back up deleted texts, I know that he has not seen her since breaking it off. However, he is still occasionally texting with her-how they miss talking to each other, she should forget him, she doesn't understand why they can't be together, they will always be friends, etc.

Should I continue with Plan A knowing about these texts? How do I have self respect knowing that he couldn't even do me the common courtesy of not having contact with her? He seems to want to keep all options open. If things don't work out with me-at least he still has the emotional connection with her to pick back up. What is the best way to deal with this?

Thanks in advance for any and all comments and advice. I am at an emotional loss for now.

Continue plan A for 2 weeks.
During this time read the book and prepare for separation from your husband.
You will probably need to separate from him in 2 weeks

Have you exposed this affair?
Part of Plan A is exposure.
You need to expose it ASAP
Texting is still an affair

Hi 3520betrayal, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

Did you read the links in the first thread on this forum? Please take the time to read them and then come back and discuss.

It doesn't sound like the affair has ended if they are still in contact. Is the OW married?

The best way to do this is to move back in immediately and kill the affair. IF you don't kill the affair it will become more entrenched and it will become harder to run the OW off.

You are correct that the problem is that you don't live together most of the time. You can't sustain a marriage like that. But I am unclear on the above. Has he moved in with you now?

And needing "space" means he wants the space to carry on his affair. Obviously he doesn't need to separate to "think."

Dr Harley recommends only staying in Plan A for 3 to 4 weeks before separating. Plan A should be very, very short for women. But I would attempt to run this skank off before you consider separating. You might be able to turn this around quickly with a very strategic exposure.

Your signature line includes "22 years together." How many of those years have you been married? Did you live together prior to marriage? (It seems like you and your husband have a "renter's approach" to the relationship.)

Also, you wrote "About 3 years ago, I had to take a job in a new location. It...allowed me to get out of debt. WH will not think of me resigning and returning to where his job is located." Why did you feel you had to take that job? When you moved away, did your husband complain that you prioritized your job over your marriage? Also, why do you refer to your debt as your own, as if you were single rather than married? Is your husband's affair the reason he has discouraged you from moving back home during the past 3 years?

It looks like I should have provided additional information.

I have read the links at the first thread of the forum and am looking forward to receiving the book for more information.

The OW is not married and her friends (also all not married) all knew about the A while it was happening.

When I found out about the A, I left and went to my apartment near where I work. So we were apart for a week. During that time, WH told most of his family and friends about the A, because he had to explain why we were not doing things during the holiday period. So, in essence, he self exposed. Because the OW is present in some social situations where WH is present, he also needed to explain to people why he could no longer be in those social situations. I also told my family.

After asking me to come home (by home-I mean our home, not my apartment), I did return for the rest of the holiday period, and was home for about 3 weeks.

At the end of the three weeks, during which time things were very good and I am reasonably confident he had no contact with her (based on text history and the later discovered texts), I starting a conversation about either my coming back home or him moving to where my job was. Trying to figure out where to go next. At that point, he indicated that he needed some time and space-and that I should return to my apartment for the week while he figured things out. That was last week.

During that week, I know that he texted with her at least once. We did see each other over the weekend. Again, things were very good- with me doing Plan A.

Now this week we are apart again, but will be together again for the weekend.

I am wondering where to go next and when to indicate that either he has to move here or I have to come back home full time. It is difficult to return home for weeks at a time if he is indicating that he needs space, but maybe that is what I should do.

Are you married to him?

Your best bet will probably be for him to move to where are. And let me explain why. The OW is close to your H geographically AND she has probably been in your house there. But you are correct that you must be living together in order to recover.

Yes we are married. Can I ask why you asked?

We have been together for 22 years, married for 10 and lived together for 5 before we got married. But I will say, moving in together and marriage were something I pushed more than he did.

I am a little confused how you insist on anything in Plan A. Or do you insist and then move to Plan B?

I have seen reference to you "can't demand an alcoholic to stop drinking.-you have to make them want to stop"

So do I insist on something, or Plan A and try and get him to want to do something?

Because there is a very big difference between living together and being married and it seemed vague from your signature.

Yes, in Plan A you do DEMAND that he end his affair. And if won't end his affair and agree to the necessary conditions for recovery within 3 to 4 weeks, then Plan B is warranted.

Most alcoholics don't want to quit unless someone has forced them to stop. [a judge, spouse, employer] They don't just wake up and recognize the error of their ways.

Have you read these?

Living Together Before Marriage #1
Living Together Before Marriage #2

Married After Living Together #1

Married After Living Together #2

You dated for 7 years and then lived together for another 5 years before getting married? Why did it take 13 years before you decided to tie the knot? Did you both have reservations?

Dr. Harley suggests that couples who live together prior to marriage are more likely to take a "renter's approach" to their relationship. Their problem-solving strategy tends to be win/lose rather than win/win. If a cohabitating couple gets married without switching from a "renter's approach" to a "buyer's approach," they may struggle to make decisions that work for both of them in the long run.

Thanks to all for the comments. He was hesitant to get married-he had been married before when he was younger and got cheated on multiple times and it ended badly. Unbelievable that knowing the effect personally on the betrayed spouse didn't enter into his decision to have an affair.

We thought that our marriage was strong enough to handle the separation and did really well for the first 2 years or so. We had agreed that after 3 years we would figure something else out, but somehow 3 years came and went and we lost our way. Neither of us was getting our emotional needs met.

MelodyLane-thank you for the advice. So if I follow correctly, I should demand an end to the texting, because, as I thought, this is still such a betrayal, and then further insist that we live in the same place. If no action in 3 to 4 weeks, Plan B.

I also hope the book, once it arrives, will help.

I understand completely. Just so you know for future reference, living apart ruins marriages. Even the good ones!


Exactly! Ask him to end all contact and send her a no contact letter. [template in my next post] And more importantly, you should expose the affair. Exposing will be your most potent weapon. We have had affairs die the day they were exposed. No guarantees, but at the least it will hasten its death. And I would begin with the OW's facebook contacts. Raise holy hell in her family so they will be unlikely to allow your husband into their lives. Exposure kills the future of affairs.

Please go read the thread on Exposure in my signature and we will help you build a strategy.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

I love that!

Dr. Bill Harley in Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."[/quote]