Okay. Some background.
My MIL is an alcoholic. She live with us for a third of my 10 yr marriage. I think she ruined it from the beginning.

She has 3 daughters. They were all sexually abused user her care. Tey were also physically abused. They all have problems as adults. One daughter has been NO CONTACT with her for over a year.

During and after divorce I allowed her to visit te kids once a week in a controlled environment that I supervise.
When we picked her up to accompany us to an event she smelled of booze.
During my divorce she also aided my wife in concealing the whereabouts of my children illegally.

I have decided to cut her out.
I wrote dr Harley and he recommended I have someone back me up with the kids because they will be mad.
They have an emotional attachment with her. I called their youth therapist but she is on medical leave for 2 months. She agreed that kids should not be around alcoholics.
During this process I have observed that even though I emotionally divorced my wife I have difficulty divorcing her mother.

I have drafted a no contact letter. I would appreciate your feedback and how to handle this with the kids. :


Dear Ex MIL

I would like to thank you for your efforts to be involved in my children's lives.�

However when we recently picked you up in December to accompany us to the skating rink, there was a strong smell of alcohol on you. I suspect that you were intoxicated.�

Throughout my marriage to your daughter there were periods of sobriety followed by relapses. This caused extreme stress on our marriage as your daughter was often more concerned about your welfare than her own family.�

I will not allow my children to form close emotional attachments with active addicts or alcoholics. I want them to grow in a safe and healthy environment free from the bizarre behaviors of alcoholism as much as possible.�

At this time we will no longer visit with you. Please do not call, write or make any attempt to contact the children or myself.�

I am open to re-establishing a relationship in the future if you maintain sobriety for at least a year and it is verified by a third party professional or sponsor (not a family member).�

The children and I love you and hope that you will do so.�

Respectfully�

JEDI

I want to make logical wise decisions and not an emotional decision in this matter

If you put this in, that's all she will see. "Oh, you're blaming ME for your failed marriage?!"..."and now your trying to get revenge on me" - I can just hear it.

just a thought.

opt

Okay I will remove that

Any other suggestions?
I want to send this today because Sundays are when we normally see her.

I am afraid of my kids being mad at me. But I know it needs to be done.

Personally I wouldn't put it past this woman to orchestrate whatever lies she needed to to assist her daughter (my ex). She is toxic but Its still difficult to go no contact

How old are the kids again? Can you explain it to them in a way they might understand?

10 8 6

I have explained alcoholism to them already using AlAnon guidelines

Then maybe explain to them in ways appropriate to their separate ages why it's bad for grandma to be around them because of it.

Okay. Boy I'm more nervous than when I sent the exposure letters!

Here we go.
I'm sending the letter now.
Sending copies to my 2 SIL that I have relationships with.

I removed an additional paragraph based on advice I received from another forum. Here is the final letter:


Dear ex MIL

I would like to thank you for your efforts to be involved in my children's lives.�

However when we recently picked you up in December to accompany us to the skating rink, there was a strong smell of alcohol on you. I suspect that you were intoxicated.�

Throughout my marriage to your daughter there were periods of sobriety followed by relapses.�

At this time we will no longer visit with you. Please do not call, write or make any attempt to contact the children or myself.�

I am open to re-establishing a relationship in the future if you maintain sobriety for at least a year and it is verified by a third party professional or sponsor (not a family member).�

The children and I love you and hope that you will do so.�

Respectfully�

JEDI

Look at it this way; your XW is a mess because of this woman so you owe it to your children to protect them from her while they are still young enough for you to be able to do it.

But they do need a female in their lives, if you trust SIL, that would work, otherwise your own sister if you have one.

I agree.

Good luck on the letter JK. Good to read that you continue to be so strong for your kids.

Take Care

This is very common in familys where the parents are alcoholics

It is very often used for a reason for the siblings to drink...

You must know this because you can see it yourself..

"Its out of control?"

Sorry you are going through this Jedi. Hope you are getting the plug pulled

Yes I sent it off.
I already feel as though a weight has been lifted from my Shoulders

Hey, did you see my other thread about the Thunder Road Race? Sorry we missed each other but I know you are more than busy.

Look into the role playing you seem to have lived much of your marriage in Jedi.

It was nesessary then, and this is now.

You will do much better living for yourself, for your kids, than hanging on the cross, for someone who can't even see it, won't see it, can't see it.

Trust me on that brother..

May God Bless you

copy of email sent to Visitation Center:


Hello,

I just picked up my children from VISITATION CENTER
One again Ex WW may have discussed adult matters with my children in an inappropriate manner.�

Allow me to provide some background information:
Ex WW mother Ex MIL has lived with us a third of our 10 year marriage. She is an alcoholic.�
The children are emotionally attached to her.�
Last June the Court issued an Order that Ex WW could not be left alone with the children. Since that time I have facilitated visits between my children and EX MIL and have continued to do so after divorce.�
Unfortunately, Ex MIL chose to return to active alcoholism and was intoxicated when I recently picked her up to accompany the kids and I to the skating rink.�

After consulting with a clinical psychologist and members of AlAnon I wrote a letter to Ex MIL establishing boundaries. I explained that we will have no contact with her until she has been sober for a year. (letter below)
�
I explained in an age appropriate manner this matter with my children.�

Today, as soon as I picked the kids up from Visitation Dd8 told me that "Grandma cried for 20 minutes when she read my letter" and that "Grandma loves us so much and wants to see us". I asked her who told her this and she said "Mommy said so"

Ds10 and Dd8 also said they "can call grandma anytime"

I feel this is inappropriate conversation and undermines boundaries which have been put in place to protect my children from the damaging effects of alcoholism. These comments by Ex ww also portray me as a bad person in the eyes of the children.�

Do you have any suggestions on how�
Such conversations can be avoided in the future?

(Copy of letter to Ex MIL

�Dear Ex MIL

I would like to thank you for your efforts to be involved in my children's lives.�

However when we recently picked you up in December to accompany us to the skating rink, there was a strong smell of alcohol on you. I suspect that you were intoxicated.�

Throughout my marriage to your daughter there were periods of sobriety followed by relapses.�

At this time we will no longer visit with you. Please do not call, write or make any attempt to contact the children or myself.�

I am open to re-establishing a relationship in the future if you maintain sobriety for at least a year and it is verified by a third party professional or sponsor (not a family member).�

The children and I love you and hope that you will do so.�

Respectfully�

JEDI

Sent from my iPhone

Email received from Visitation Center:

Dear Jedi,

Thank you for informing the Center of this conversation and the situation with maternal grandmother.� I will call Ex ww myself today and address these types of inappropriate conversations.� I will also have Case Worker remain her next Sunday about appropriate conversation.�
�
If there is another incident of inappropriate conversation reported to our staff, the level of supervision during the visit go back to a level 1 (someone in the room at all times).
Thank you again.

Good job, sounds like they are handling it pretty well.

Ditto