I wish that were a possibility. The business itself is a "fixture" in town and been there for over 50 years. Our house is on family land. The likelihood of the OM's parents moving is small. Across town is within spitting distance. I would move to the other side of the country if I could.

There are a lot of ghosts around this area for sure.

GO,

I really do wish I could make those changes. I am not trying to be difficult here at all, let me assure you it will never happen. My husbands business is here, grounded in this community, his parents who are elderly are across the way from us and we are responsible for helping to care for them, our son and wife and granddaughter (with another due this spring) is here, my youngest has two more years of high school yet and debt it pretty large until some things are sold. Yes it seems like excuses and maybe they are, but I can assure you a move is not possible right now. That is not to say that it might not be in the future.

I feel largely responsible for the state that we are in. Honestly most days I am okay and feel like I can handle anything but then I run into the OM's parents (great examples of Christians btw) and they treat me like sh** (as if I was the only one involved in the mess and the perpetrator). why they stay in the same church as my inlaws (the church where it all happened) is beyond me and beyond anyone else's.

Anyway I guess I don't know exactly what I came here for. I am broken for many reasons - abandonment issues (both the om and my husband), my own sin and feeling of not ever being able to get it right.

Maybe I should never have shown up here...

Anyway I guess I don't know exactly what I came here for. I am broken for many reasons

You came here for help rebuilding a worthy marriage after you (first) and WH (subsequently and currently) have run over it with streamrollers. You discovered that it can be done, but no one here has the power to do it for you, and given the awful history that has transpired, it will be difficult and arduous.

Maybe I should never have shown up here...and you'd rather not go through all the trouble.

Kiddo, your sense of entitlement REEKS through this thread.

- You accuse OM of abandoning you when he (finally!) seems to have decided to return to a moral life.
- You resent common acquaintances ("But I knew them first!") deciding you were the scarlet woman in this melodrama. Whether or not they're correct, it's their RIGHT!
- After your infidelities were revealed in Service, you call discussion about it "gossip", like they didn't just hear it from their pastor.
- You resent OM's parents making you uncomfortable in "your" church, which you honored so well by becoming involved with their son through its activities.

When you decide that if you want something done here, you will be the only one to do it, and IT'S NOT UNFAIR TO BE SO, then maybe you'll stop telling the experts here that your solution is better.

I am not entitled to anything. That is quite obvious.

And it is amazing to me that you can assume that the om has returned to a moral lifestyle. I haven't said anything about his lifestyle - and even though I am hurt, I honestly can see him for what he is - sick, depraved, self absorbed and although the the feelings I had for him were "real" at the time - it makes me want to vomit.

I am not tying to justify any of my actions. I am 100 percent responsible for my own mess - I own it - I could have and should have stopped it but I didn't.

There are times I think the best thing for me to do is to be the one to leave and all of those around here can be comfortable then because I will not be here.

I will keep reading and try to decide what I should do that is in the best benefit of everyone else.

Don't you want to be here to make your marriage and life better?

Uhhh, okay! To recap:

I pointed out that your self-directed attention is what is most likely the reason for your rejecting the good advice you get here....and you reject yet another piece of good advice.

I am not tying to justify any of my actions. I am 100 percent responsible for my own mess - I own it - I could have and should have stopped it but I didn't.

Yup, we got it - loud and clear! You own and admit your own failures. Great! However, you also seem to perversely revel in them. How about we change the hair-shirt, put down the flail, and start FIXING YOUR MARRIAGE, to make it something to celebrate instead of mourn??

(Please don't misunderstand my ignoring your WH's ongoing transgressions as excusing them. They are horrid and unsupportable. However, YOU are here. HE is not.)

I'm not trying to pick on you...just letting you know that when you post about OM like this even though your words indicate a distaste for him...talking about him at all indicates to us that he's still got way to much of your attention and thoughts. You've brought him up in nearly every post. Whether he's depraved or returned to some moral lifestyle is irrelevant to you and your marriage and it's certainly irrelevant to us here at MB. One of the reasons we are trying to discuss how you can get away from that house, city, church is because of this overriding distraction which is OM and his family. It appears to be inhibiting your ability to focus on what's really important YOU (yes...YOU matter too), your husband and family.

OM and his family and their behavior is none of your business. Your behavior WAS despicable and they can think about it whatever they like. It's beyond your control and besides it's who you are today and what you do and become tomorrow that will make a difference to those truly important in your life. Focusing on OM in any manner robs you, your husband and your family of today.

Forget about OM. When you think of him...think of a stop sign and consciously train your brain to put aside such thoughts until they disappear. OM who?

Godspeed,

Mr. W

Thank you for your advice. I do appreciate it. I will take it to heart.

You are right. They are our choices.

Even after 3 years, I thought I had destroyed and cleared out everything in my house that was from that time (gifts from the OM's wife and himself)) I came across two wine glasses I had the other day that were from that time - they have now been destroyed. Each time I think I have everything cleared out something pops up.

thank you all for making me think. I will be absent for the next few days as I am going out of town and will have no computer access.

But I will be back - promise.