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Zhamila, I am sorry to hear how your husband is acting. In asking him to leave, you did exactly what Dr. Harley would have advised. And if he does not show an attitude of being willing to move heaven and earth to end his angry outbursts, I don't think Dr. Harley would advise you to let him come home. There is a wealth of information and support here on how to overcome anger. There is a great chapter in Love Busters, there are fantastic free radio broadcasts every week, there are great articles. In particular, I would not consider your husband to be serious about overcoming anger after all these failures unless he is willing to buy and use a biofeedback device to develop the habit of relaxation. Dr. Harley talks about these here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_neg.html
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Until he is ready to really do something about his anger, I would advise you to learn a lot about Plan B and read through the threads of some of the great Plan B'ers on this site and talk to them. It is important to you to protect yourself from him until he believes that he is responsible for his own angry outbursts and they are not caused by you. Reading through what he was saying in your description, it sounds to me like he is blaming you for his anger.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Zhamila, I am sorry to hear how your husband is acting. In asking him to leave, you did exactly what Dr. Harley would have advised. And if he does not show an attitude of being willing to move heaven and earth to end his angry outbursts, I don't think Dr. Harley would advise you to let him come home. There is a wealth of information and support here on how to overcome anger. There is a great chapter in Love Busters, there are fantastic free radio broadcasts every week, there are great articles. In particular, I would not consider your husband to be serious about overcoming anger after all these failures unless he is willing to buy and use a biofeedback device to develop the habit of relaxation. Dr. Harley talks about these here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_neg.htmlIn addition to markos' excellent advice here is a radio clip on the biofeedback device. Radio clip on Bio-feedback Machine I also commend you on getting your H away for having AOs.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Z, hon, wow, that's pretty huge! I am so grateful you got the IRL support you needed. How do your kids feel? I can imagine they're breathing easier too. I knew I was healing when I didn't need my ADs anymore, either. I was advised to just stick with it until the divorce went through, but whatever you decide will be just right, Z. I met in person with 3 MBers this month, who happened to be visiting the area, and it was so cool, to introduce my fiancee and kids to these folks who walked with me through all kinds of days. I would love to meet you in person one day, too  I think if we hit notify we can ask the mods to pass on contact info.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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Until he is ready to really do something about his anger, I would advise you to learn a lot about Plan B and read through the threads of some of the great Plan B'ers on this site and talk to them. It is important to you to protect yourself from him until he believes that he is responsible for his own angry outbursts and they are not caused by you. Reading through what he was saying in your description, it sounds to me like he is blaming you for his anger. Thanks for the encouragement, Markos. Can you recommend any great Plan B threads? Especially on abuse? I'll start with NED - that's probably a good one...
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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In addition to markos' excellent advice here is a radio clip on the biofeedback device. Radio clip on Bio-feedback Machine I also commend you on getting your H away for having AOs. Thanks, Brain!
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Z, hon, wow, that's pretty huge! I am so grateful you got the IRL support you needed. How do your kids feel? I can imagine they're breathing easier too. I knew I was healing when I didn't need my ADs anymore, either. I was advised to just stick with it until the divorce went through, but whatever you decide will be just right, Z. I met in person with 3 MBers this month, who happened to be visiting the area, and it was so cool, to introduce my fiancee and kids to these folks who walked with me through all kinds of days. I would love to meet you in person one day, too I think if we hit notify we can ask the mods to pass on contact info. Good advice on the ADs - I'll keep them up since we have a long road one way or the other. ...And I'll hit notify to give you my contact info
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Oh, and the kids are doing well. My youngest cried the night I told them, and I know he's sad (he was the most bonded with my H). We are having fun in the meantime, and I just comfort him if he mentions that he misses H. The older kids understand, and they've noticed how much happier & free I am now. They have lots of loving people around - including a great Dad - so they are pretty resilient.
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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So, I've had 2 very quiet weeks, taking care of my children, watching my budget, getting ready for Christmas and hoping for healing. However something very painful happened over the weekend: I was foolish enough to check his FB - and found out he was hanging out at a bar Sat. night. This from the man who lectured me AT LENGTH that neither of us would date, go to bars, get on singles sites, etc during our 30 day separation. Here I am, sitting at home every night, praying and hoping he'll do the work it takes to stop his abuse...and he's going to bars full of single women, while still married to me. It hurts so badly that my husband is doing this instead of working on being a better man and caring husband. What do I do now? 
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Z, hon, I did some checking like that, too. It was weird, it was as if I had some kind of intuition, because every single time I checked, and it was I think like 5 times total, I got a specific piece of information I needed for my situation. Like when you watch a movie, and they give certain clues deliberately. In my situation, it was whenever my ex spited me deliberately, it was right after he had done something that I guess took a shot at his own self-esteem.
What do you do? Continue to be good to yourself and your kids during this transition.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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That is very good.
Now you will start having doubts about your decision or need for him. When that happens really reach out to that support group. Ask for their advice on any relationship changes Wow, when you wrote this I couldn't imagine having doubts. Boy were you right, and I've needed support this weekend. Thanks Jedi. I went back and read the whole thread: it's helped so much to see in black and white what's brought me here. Though very very sad, I am again resolved to stay clear in my thinking and boundaries. My heart is broken, but I will stand strong.
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Hello everybody! So, today is the 30 day separation-mark where H and I were to meet and discuss his progress in batterer's intervention and whether we have a future together. So, I sent him an email invite yesterday to meet today and... He declined. This hurt, but I have rallied. I get to stay focused on myself and my dear children: creating a life for us of safety, peace, and happiness. Oh, and I get to enjoy the new car I got yesterday!! End of year specials ROCK. I'm moving over to the Divorced/Divorcing forum 
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Hello everybody! So, today is the 30 day separation-mark where H and I were to meet and discuss his progress in batterer's intervention and whether we have a future together. So, I sent him an email invite yesterday to meet today and... He declined. This hurt, but I have rallied. I get to stay focused on myself and my dear children: creating a life for us of safety, peace, and happiness. Oh, and I get to enjoy the new car I got yesterday!! End of year specials ROCK. I'm moving over to the Divorced/Divorcing forum So sorry Z. Has he filed?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I'm sorry too Z, but just more confirmation that you made a solid choice for you family. Congratulations on the new car!
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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I am so sorry Z. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Thank you Loves, NewEveryDay, and BrainHurts. 
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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Zhamilla, just wanted to say thank you for sharing all you have in the marriagebuilders threads. I know you were here seeking help, but sharing as much as you have takes alot of courage and is helpfull to others going through similar situations. I have benefitted emotionally from being able to read your thred and the process you went through and I wanted you to know that and say thank you.
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Zhamilla, just wanted to say thank you for sharing all you have in the marriagebuilders threads. I know you were here seeking help, but sharing as much as you have takes alot of courage and is helpfull to others going through similar situations. I have benefitted emotionally from being able to read your thred and the process you went through and I wanted you to know that and say thank you. ODAAT, thanks so much for writing! You have encouraged me so much. I have learned a lot - not necessarily what I wanted to learn - but my hope is never to be taken in again. Besides MB material (Awesome!), info from abuse expert Lundy Bancroft has opened my eyes too. I am happier and more at peace every day. I would have rather had a happy marriage, but being on my own and at peace is much better than the nonstop pain of an abusive marriage. My thanks to all those here who helped me see clearly.
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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So sorry Z!:( Glad you and the kids are doing well.
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So sorry Z!:( Glad you and the kids are doing well. Thanks TisMe! Good to see ya again
"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
Elizabeth Bowen
(Changed my profile name, as it was appearing in Google searches. Yikes!)
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