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Around five years ago I had a one time only affair with my wifes best friend. Their relationship has since dissolved due to this but my wife doesn't know why. both families have kids and were very close.
since the affair I have been guilt stricken to the point of contemplating suicide. I've been in and out of counseling and on and off various antidepressants. I've not told my wife because I need to bear the burden of my mistake, not transfer the pain to her. I am however at my breaking point. unable to get out of bed all week. on the verge of possibly losing my job. should I tell her?
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I need to bear the burden of my mistake
Really? How's that going?
Since the affair I have been guilt stricken to the point of contemplating suicide. I've been in and out of counseling and on and off various antidepressants. I've not told my wife (to) not transfer the pain to her. I am however at my breaking point. unable to get out of bed all week. on the verge of possibly losing my job.
You are NOT doing her a favor, my friend. Marshall your courage, find a time, and tell her. She will go ape-[censored]! And then she won't be. And THEN you can start re-making your marriage.
Do this or find a cheap undertaker. Whether or not you consciously off yourself, your mind/body alliance will do it for you!
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Around five years ago I had a one time only affair with my wifes best friend. Their relationship has since dissolved due to this but my wife doesn't know why. both families have kids and were very close.
since the affair I have been guilt stricken to the point of contemplating suicide. I've been in and out of counseling and on and off various antidepressants. I've not told my wife because I need to bear the burden of my mistake, not transfer the pain to her. I am however at my breaking point. unable to get out of bed all week. on the verge of possibly losing my job. should I tell her? Yes. Your wife has a right to know this information. This is information about her life that you have kept from her for 5 years. She's been living a lie all this time because of your dishonesty. Do you really think you've managed to not transfer your pain to her by forcing her to live a lie, married to a man who doesn't respect her enough to even tell her the truth? Do you think your wife hasn't suffered being forced to be married to someone who is so depressed that he contemplates suicide, stays in bed, and may lose his job? What you've been doing hasn't spared your wife any pain at all. It's only made it worse. She may not know exactly what is wrong, but she certainly knows something isn't right.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Oh boy, you have made the situation much worse by lying to her for 5 years. Do you realize this? This is information about her life that has been wrongfully and cruelly withheld from her.
Telling her you did this for her own good will only compound the damage. You did this to cover your [censored]. Period.
So don't make it worse by telling her you committed adultery and lied in her face for years and years for her "own good." Tell her the truth, that you are a coward and couldn't face the consequences of your actions. That is the truth.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Around five years ago I had a one time only affair with my wifes best friend. Their relationship has since dissolved due to this but my wife doesn't know why. both families have kids and were very close.
since the affair I have been guilt stricken to the point of contemplating suicide. I've been in and out of counseling and on and off various antidepressants. I've not told my wife because I need to bear the burden of my mistake, not transfer the pain to her. I am however at my breaking point. unable to get out of bed all week. on the verge of possibly losing my job. should I tell her? Yes. Tell her
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If you have a hard time telling her then write her a letter And Hand it to her
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Tell her. You will never have a happy, intimate marriage unless you do. You (and she) will live more of the same for the rest of your married life (and I would bet that to not be long because, how much fun are you to live with right now?).
If you care about HER you will tell her. And even if you only care about YOU, it doesn't sound like continuing to carry the burden is in your best interest either.
PS you are not carrying the burden. You are protecting yourself from the possible consequences of your affair. SHE is carrying the burden, by having lost a friendship and an intimate marriage without even knowing why.
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Also, the great people here can guide you through telling her and recovering your marriage if that is what you want. There is no better way to have an intimate marriage than using the MB program. A cornerstone of that program is RADICAL HONESTY. You cannot have an intimate marriage based on lies.
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Each day she does not know about the affair is a day you have lied to her, and that will hurt her as much or more than the affair itself. By withholding this for 5 years you have hurt her much, much more. You have to tell her now.
Betrayal and lies are at the heart of the intense pain that wayward spouses visit upon the betrayed spouse. I feel for your wife.
Stay here on the forums, read the content of this site (especially Dr. Harley's links to affairs), buy Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley.
Do what is right for your wife. Tell her the truth. If you do, there is a chance you can recover your marriage and find happiness together.
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Tell her. Please don't lie to your wife, not one more day.
As you can see from my signature, I just found out in November, 2012 about a 4+ year affair.
She deserves to know the truth.
me - 44
WH - 44
married 19 years
2 daughters - 15 & 13
D-day: 11/19/2012
Didn't find out until years later - A with coworker, 2008 & again in 2010 or 2011
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Keep in mind this was a one time deal five years ago. why not try to continue to bury this in the past? I could see telling her if this was ongoing but its not.
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Because you have betrayed her. Among other things you could have passed her an STD!
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Also, while the A may be in the past, it is affecting you every day.
Please honour her by telling her the truth. She deserves to know. And make her own decisions.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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Keep in mind this was a one time deal five years ago. why not try to continue to bury this in the past?
Answer my question first:
Why come here looking for help keeping regaining your health and sanity, and reject the advice from folks who have the ability to help?
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I'm not rejecting advice, I'm proceeding with extreme caution. much obliged for the great input so far. I just wanna get everything on the table before proceeding.
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I'm not rejecting advice,
Great to hear! If you're not rejecting it, having had basically the same exhortation from NINE colleagues, without contradiction, you must therefore be willing to accept it, right?
Good! Now let's talk about how to structure the most difficult conversation you will ever have to initiate, shall we?
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Sure. how should I proceed?
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Jayf,
Write everything down with approximated dates like a diary, also include the emotional part of the affair, answer who, what, where, when, why and how.
God Bless
Gamma
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Do not preface your confession, stick in the middle, or end it with "here is what you were not doing to make me happy and why I was driven to have an affair."
There are reasons for a marriage to be susceptible to affairs, and perhaps she was part of that reason. If those marital issues still exist you can address those at a later date.
But have it front and center of mind that YOU ALONE chose to have one. No matter what your wife was or wasn't doing at the time, YOU ALONE chose to have an affair instead of working through that with her by your side.
Any amount of blame will be like salt in an open wound. Take full responsibility for your own actions.
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As Gamma said, be prepared to give her the FULL truth. Do not candy coat or further hide any detail to your affair.
As it has been stated, the fact that you have deceived her for the last 5 years is sometimes as or more damaging than the act itself. You have to walk into this knowing that the deception and lies STOP HERE. If she asks you a question, no matter how uncomfortable you feel about answering it, even if you know the answer will cut her like a knife, ANSWER IT.
Do NOT, under any circumstances, protect your OW. It is time for you to protect and care for your WIFE and not yourself or your OW.
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