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Okay, this is not going to be fun, but there are things you might do to make it worse. Let's not let that happen #1 - You must give her all the bad news at once. So take a day and work up a timeline/history with all the gory details. How many times? Where? Over what calendar span? Did you exchange "I love you" pledges with OW? Reveal it. Did you engage in "special" sexual acts? Same. Did you go away for weekends or claim to be "working late"? Did you and OW get jiggy in/on your marital home, the family car/boat/motorcycle? Did you give OW gifts? Did you receive gifts (and keep them  )? Did/does anyone else (especially family) know, or even suspect? This should keep you busy for a while. I would urge you to write it up and bring it back here for our purview. Do NOT try to hide anything from us, please. This is an anonymous board! What possible harm can come from letting us help you to thye greatest extent possible?
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And after you have told her, I would highly suggest steering her toward this website. She will need support on how to deal with this tragedy in her life, and there is no better place to obtain it.
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Sure. how should I proceed? Tell your wife you have something important to tell her, then sit her down and do so. Do not lie. Do not tell her you waited so long to tell her because you didn't want to hurt her. She knows that isn't true. If you didn't want to hurt her, you wouldn't have slept with her best friend. Tell her you were selfish and you lied so that you wouldn't have to suffer the consequences for your own bad behavior. Answer all of her questions honestly and openly. Expect her to be very traumatized and very upset. Next, tell her about this site and have her read the basic concepts here. Hopefully, she will post on the forum and start her own thread. There are plenty of people here who can help her. There are also plenty of people who can help you and your wife recover your marriage, if that's what she chooses to do. It is possible for you to have a better marriage than you've ever had, but you can't do that if you continue lying. Look at where that's gotten you so far.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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As someone who just went through this, I recommend that you follow the specific advice about telling her from the last 3 posts (NeverGuessed, unwritten, and writer1).
me - 44
WH - 44
married 19 years
2 daughters - 15 & 13
D-day: 11/19/2012
Didn't find out until years later - A with coworker, 2008 & again in 2010 or 2011
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Although I would recommend being considerate of when to break the news to her (ie not at the Thanksgiving dinner table), do not wait for the 'perfect time.'
There is no perfect time to disclose this kind of tragedy.
Some people want to wait a week until they have a day off, wait a month until they go on vacation, etc. That just adds days to the deception, and gives your taker time to talk you out of doing the right thing.
In other words, do it ASAP.
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Keep in mind this was a one time deal five years ago. why not try to continue to bury this in the past? I could see telling her if this was ongoing but its not. If its no damn big deal, then why not stop lying to her? Because you KNOW it is a very damn big deal. Since she is the victim, it is up to HER to decide if it a big damn deal or not. Its real easy for you to say it is no big deal when you aren't the victim. All you are doing by lying about it is compounding the crime. And she will see it that way. She will understand how you cruelly lied to her and manipulated her all these years. And pretended it was in her "best interest." She will see that ploy for the nonsense it is.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
Tell your wife you have something important to tell her, then sit her down and do so. Do not lie. Do not tell her you waited so long to tell her because you didn't want to hurt her. She knows that isn't true. Bingo! Don't use weasel words like "I was only trying to protect you" or it will make it much worse. Agree with the others that you need to tell her the full unvarnished truth. Don't hold anything back. And your children should be told also because one important element of recovery will be to cut off all contact with this family for life.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Keep in mind this was a one time deal five years ago. why not try to continue to bury this in the past? I could see telling her if this was ongoing but its not. Have you already forgotten your first post? Around five years ago I had a one time only affair with my wifes best friend. Their relationship has since dissolved due to this but my wife doesn't know why. both families have kids and were very close.
since the affair I have been guilt stricken to the point of contemplating suicide. I've been in and out of counseling and on and off various antidepressants. I've not told my wife because I need to bear the burden of my mistake, not transfer the pain to her. I am however at my breaking point. unable to get out of bed all week. on the verge of possibly losing my job. should I tell her? Every possible reason you need to tell your BW of your betrayal is right there.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Keep in mind this was a one time deal five years ago. why not try to continue to bury this in the past? I could see telling her if this was ongoing but its not. If its no damn big deal, then why not stop lying to her? Because you KNOW it is a very damn big deal. Since she is the victim, it is up to HER to decide if it a big damn deal or not. Its real easy for you to say it is no big deal when you aren't the victim. Um, at what point did I say it was no big deal. I Jeff said that. I do have one concern though; I wonder if posting this here was a huge mistake since I'm dealing with one demographic, people who have been cheated on. I do appreciate the input, but I need to do more research... All you are doing by lying about it is compounding the crime. And she will see it that way. She will understand how you cruelly lied to her and manipulated her all these years. And pretended it was in her "best interest." She will see that ploy for the nonsense it is.
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Keep in mind this was a one time deal five years ago. why not try to continue to bury this in the past? I could see telling her if this was ongoing but its not. If its no damn big deal, then why not stop lying to her? Because you KNOW it is a very damn big deal. Since she is the victim, it is up to HER to decide if it a big damn deal or not. Its real easy for you to say it is no big deal when you aren't the victim. Um, at what point did I say it was no big deal. I Jeff said that. I do have one concern though; I wonder if posting this here was a huge mistake since I'm dealing with one demographic, people who have been cheated on. I do appreciate the input, but I need to do more research... All you are doing by lying about it is compounding the crime. And she will see it that way. She will understand how you cruelly lied to her and manipulated her all these years. And pretended it was in her "best interest." She will see that ploy for the nonsense it is. PLEASE don't do more research. PLEASE tell your wife today. She deserves to know, and the guilt is eating you up. You CAN be a better man! It was painful for me to find out the truth, but our marriage was already suffering because of all the lies. I promise you that I respect my husband more now than I did when he was lying to me for 5 years. Now we have a chance to make it work - from knowing the TRUTH and using marriage builders. We would NOT have survived if he hadn't told the truth. I won't tell you that it will be easy, but isn't your wife worth it?
me - 44
WH - 44
married 19 years
2 daughters - 15 & 13
D-day: 11/19/2012
Didn't find out until years later - A with coworker, 2008 & again in 2010 or 2011
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posting this here was a huge mistake since I'm dealing with one demographic, people who have been cheated on
Wrong, bucko! We have former waywards here as well. Give this a minute to play out and see what THEY have to say!
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What do you expect to be told, that you should keep it a secret and go to counseling? Confession is best.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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You are wrong. This is NOT one demographic. This is a forum that is frequented by betrayed spouses AND wayward spouses from alll walks of life and from all over the world.
There are many amazing formerly adulterous husbands on here who have turned their lives and marriages around. They will all tell you that they could not have done this by continuing to lie to their spouse.
The only demographic that is universal amongst us is a desire to rebuild our marriages to be better than they have ever been.
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If you are 'researching' someone to tell you the opposite, that you should continue to lie to your deathbed, you will find it.
But you know that isn't the answer. You came here because your moral compass and conscience is eating you from the inside. If you want to find friends who are happy to advise you to continue this self and marital destructive behavior, I'm sure you can.
Or you can settle for us. We just want to see you do the right thing and live a life you can be proud of.
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I recommend you follow this advice jay.
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By the way, there are plenty of former-wayward spouses here. I'm one of them. You'll get the same advice from everyone here - both the formerly-wayward and the betrayed. Want to know why? Because telling your wife is the right thing to do.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Um, at what point did I say it was no big deal. I Jeff said that. I do have one concern though; I wonder if posting this here was a huge mistake since I'm dealing with one demographic, people who have been cheated on. I do appreciate the input, but I need to do more research... The demographic here is decent people, both betrayed spouses and former wayward spouses who know right from wrong. You don't need to do "more research" to know that lying and manipulating your wife is wrong. But I am sure you can always find some crapwit who will tell you it is ok to lie and manipulate others. People like that are a dime a dozen. But you and I both know that wrong is wrong and right is right. That is just conflict avoidance. Sounds to me like you want to shop for an answer you like better.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You want your integrity back? You want to stop having to flee your conscience every day of your life?
If so, then choose to be a man of integrity. Take back your honor and decency. The first step is honesty. Your conscience is not going to go away any time soon, I promise you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I understand the temptation to look for excuses to dismiss advice you don't like so maybe you will listen to Dr Harley, who is not a betrayed spouse - as you see he agrees with everything we said: "But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.
It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.
It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.
It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I thought you said that you were in depression over this.
The truth will set you and your wife free.
The advice you are receiving from "betrayed spouses" actually comes from Dr. Bill Harley, a VERY successful clinical psychologist who has saved thousands of marriages and made them better. He is not a betrayed spouse, by the way.
There is no better source for you. No pain, no gain, my friend.
Come to the truth.
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