Hello,

Ive been reading these forums for a while now. and i thought it was time to post. my wife and i have agreed to getting a divorce.

some background.
we have been married for 12 years. we have two wonderful kids. we are both 35. she is the type of person who has absolutely no desire for sex. and as a result no desire to give affection either. because, it just reminds her or me of sex. she is just part of the one percent of people who have no desire at all. i used to think she just needed help with her "problems". but, maybe there is no problem. maybe she is just like that. her whole family is too. that being said, its not like we never had sex in 12 years. we did. and sometimes it was very fulfilling. but for her, it was always clouded in guilt, regret, and self denigration. the fact she never wanted to, and we rarely did made her always feel like there was something wrong with her. that she wasn't being a good wife or something. lots of emotions that would come along with sex. for me, i could always tell for the most part, that she never wanted to. not much of anything i would do would change that. it left me feeling like there was something wrong with me. feeling depressed. frustrated, angry, less than a man...and more. you see, we are a great team together. she is a wonderful mother, and im a good father. we can always seem to get through life together. we support each other, and are always there for one another. we are a great team. except, in the bedroom. neither one of us want to live like that anymore. she was the first to approach me about wanting to leave. i of course fought very hard to keep her. there were arguments, fights, her going to therapy, me getting drunk, name calling....and in the end, all my fighting to keep her was making it worse. do i truly believe she is the way she is and cant change? a part of me wants to still believe she can. but that doesn't matter anymore. the more i fight to keep her the worse things get. i don't want to lose her as a best friend. because she is. and if i keep fighting it, it would have ended up very bad. and i don't want to hate her, or her hate me in the end. for the sake of our children and her friendship, i accepted. i don't want our children growing up seeing how miserable mommy and daddy are. and neither one of us want to live like that.

so.....here we are. we have decided that wherever she can afford a house, i want to be right there. for my kids. not on the same street, but maybe around the corner. we know there are going to probable be boundary issues to deal with. but, we will deal with that as they come. the point is to still be there for each other, as friends, and most importantly, for the kids. so the kids can walk to daddy's house if they want, or vise versa. i don't know how exactly it will work. but something like that.

and my question....
any advice on how we do this the right way? for the sake of the kids. how does one do a "nice" divorce??

How was your sex life when you were dating and first married?

And how much time do you spend together ALONE every week? [on dates, etc]

i know where your going with this. we had read the his needs her needs. which is when she began to realize how important sex is for a man. and how much damage she could be doing. we've tried lots of things. and she wanted so bad to feel that for me. and i know she tried. many many times. but it was always the same.

dating and early marriage was the same. i had always assumed there was just something wrong. like she had mental issues about sex. she even went to see a therapist early in the marriage about it. so i just held out hope. i had hoped she would change. it would become more comfortable for her to be with me. she would trust me more. open up a little more. and things would change. but it never did. believe me, we tried to make it work. but, she just has no drive. no desire. she even went to a women doctor to get test for hormone levels. no problems there either. its just not in her. her whole family is like this. her uncle has been married 5 times. each time he thinks, it can be different, i can change. he has been to therapy, doctors, priest....nothing changes. and to an extent, that is how she feels. she thinks, i can do this, i can change, i can be different. and at times, it was great...for me. but not for her. she cant change herself. and it started to become very unhealthy for both of us. believe me, i didnt want this. but it is what it is. i cant make her change. and she cant change. i wish it were different. but we have tried for 12 years. nothing ever changed.

So you married her knowing she had no sexual desire for you? I have to tell you it is very rare for someone to marry someone who does not meet your needs, with no prospect in sight.

And I believe you have tried different things. Most therapists, and certainly priests and doctors, have no idea how to resolve this problem so that is not surprising. They have no idea how create sexual desire.

check this out: "First I fix the relationship, and nine times out of ten, sexual problems disappear, with or without unresolved childhood experiences. I spend very little time fixing sexual problems these days because most couples I counsel don't have sexual problems after they have learned to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. " Dr Bill Harley

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013_qa.html

I would bet my bottom dollar that if you two took the MB survey to determine if you were in love, that the answer would be no for her. Women need two things to desire sex: an emotional attachment to the man ["in love"] and the prospect of enjoyment. If you have not been spending 15+ hours together meeting each others intimate emotional needs [and most couples refuse to do this because the marriage comes LAST] they fall out of love.

Jeff, I mean this sincerely, but I don't think you have tried everything if you haven't tried this program. This program is completely different from any other program I know of in that it really does work. Your wife may well be that 1 in 10 that truly never achieves sexual desire. But if she has been consulting with the people who have no idea how to resolve such problems, then her problem will never be resolved. Before you give up, I would try the one program that really does have a successful track record.

I would be interested in hearing your wife's reaction to this article: How to Overcome Sexual Aversion

Did a doc do a complete phyisical work up as to why no sex drive?

Once known to not be phyiscal then get her to a good IC.

She already did those things and those things are unlikely to work. Women desire sex when they are in love so doesn't it make sense to first address and correct THAT problem?

Why not try this program before trying a terrible idea like a "Nice Divorce?"

Also you married her. You have children together.
You took marital vows. It is very selfish for you to divorce so you can have sex

Wow.....ok, Nevermind

Can you encourage your wife to come here and post? You could sell it to her as something new that might be worth considering whether or not the marriage can be saved.

There is a fabulous thread that we would find her where an wonderful woman was able to use MB to completely resolve the sort of problems you describe your wife as having with help from some of the posters here.

Jeff, we have had some pretty tough cases that were solved using this program. It would be a travesty if you didn't at least try the one program that could have worked. Dr Harley really can turn these marriages around.

Its over. There is no stopping what is going on. I either fight her and risk losing her and my kids. Or accept and work hard to do it right for the kids. Ive been down the road of hope. Its over. Which is why I posted here in the divorcing forum. I dont need all of this pious crap. Its hard enough to hold myself together. The meds help though. So thanks for nothing.

Have you considered a separation before a divorce?

Do you think she wants a divorce because she is letting you down sexually or that there could be some other reason you are ignorant of?

Women don't leave men who they are neglecting. They will leave a man who is neglecting them.

There has to be much more going on.

I understand you are overwhelmed by the situation you are in and don't want to hear any input other than that what you are doing is best for all involved. There are other sights that would support you in doing that.

Here.....people want to examine all logical angles. It is tough to examine them. You don't have to. (but that is what this forum does).

Wow, that was really rude.

Have you ruled out an affair? Women don't typically want divorces just because their husbands want sex. That is unheard of, actually.

Sadly you will lose your wife no matter what you do once you get divorced and your children will be traumatised by it. Many of us have walked down the road you are now on and thought they could 'do it right for the kids'. The truth is that there is no 'right for the kids' and there are no 'nice divorces', there are just 'divorces'. . That is why you are being urged to reconsider even though you are obviously finding this very painful.

Let me give you a real life example: So that our children could be protected from disruption during the divorce, we drew up a contract dividing our apt into three parts. One for my XH, one for me and one for the three children. The idea was that the children could move freely around but that we would respect each other's space.

That lasted until he got a girlfriend.

This is not something I wanted. Fought hard to stop. But its happening. She has made up mind. I know none of this will be easy. Im just looking for advice.

Why does she want a divorce?