I found out my husband broke no contact with a woman he had an affair with. When I confronted him, he admitted to me that he had been talking to her by phone for months until just before Christmas. Claims just friends.......they were friends and coworkers before the affair.

Anyway, we moved and the contact info I had for her husband with whom Ive spoken before is in our old house. Trying to go on memory, I sent him emails to several addresses that came back undeliverable. Then I sent same message to his facebook email and sent him a friend request. Finally, I remembered and called his company and got put through to his number. He didnt answer, so I left a voicemail message telling him they were in contact again and we should talk. Gave him my email addresses.

That was yesterday. So far no answer to my email or facebook. Not sure where to go from here.

Even if he chose not to talk to me, I think he would confront her based on past history. In which case, she would probably be blowing up my husbands phone or calling to rant at me to stop contacting her H.

So....I'm thinking they are possibly out of town or he's off and not checking work voicemail. I'm so angry right now I want to call her and blast her but thats probably not smart.

I need some advice on next step. Thanks.

Janna

Janna,

Be patient you will get to him, and you absolutely need to even if you have to drive to see the OWH. This is a major major breech of NC and resets your and OWHs recovery clock to zero. There's some chance the OWH found out and just gave up.

Can you find the OWs family, workplace, adult children?

God Bless
Gamma

Okay, forget the OWH for a minute.

People who establish no-contact arrangements with their WS do themselves no service if the agreement stands on its own, What sanctions did you put in place for the almost-guaranteed violation by your besotted WS?

I'll bet "None", because had you properly established the infrastructure around the NC provision, you'd not be here asking "What do I do?" You'd already have your answer, and that would be to enact the sanctions previously set.

Okay, all that being prologue, your job now is to re-establish the NC state with some teeth in it.

How's this: "WH will delete his facebook account and provide you with passwords to all e-mail and texting services. He will arrange to have you have real-time cell usage oversight through the provider's website. If WH chooses to work hard at, and succeeds in, violating these agreements, he will move ot of the family home and expect divorce papers."

Whaddaya think?

Thanks for responding Gamma. I cant drive...we are 600 miles away. She has FB, Im still sorting out who is family...I know who the children are. I thought it would be best to talk to her BH before anyone else. Shes retired.

Janna

welcome to MB, janna. i'm sorry you find yourself here, but you are in the best place for help. did you know about MB when your H was having the a? or are the principles and basic concepts new to you?

how were you two handling recovery? have you read SAA by dr harley?

how long have you been married, and do you have any children? does your H still work with OW?

hang in there, janna. we'll get you sorted.

Your husband has been in contact with his former affair partner for months, kept it hidden from you the entire time, and is now trying to defend his behavior by claiming it was innocent? I don't see how you can save the marriage if your husband refuses to follow the plan for recovery. I could be completely off base, but I'm thinking Plan B makes a lot of sense in this situation.

NeverGuessed

Thanks. Clearly what we had in place for no contact was not enough. I was not familiar with MB at that time and was pretty much winging it. I do have passwords and nothing was going on there.

I didnt have the cell phone covered well enough, but was checking it from time to time and obviously that has to change. He says she contacted him several times, left messages, wanted to let him know she was retiring blah blah and he finally called her back. I know I cant trust him but I do tend to believe him on this.

For now the cell phone is laying on the kitchen counter and he is avoiding it like its radioactive for a week now.

Anyway, I agree with what you said and this is what I need to hear. Since I didnt do things exactly right on my own its a little confusing what steps to take this time.

Its been almost four years since their affair ended. I thought we were past this crap and I dont trust my own instincts right now because I am swinging back and forth between rage and pain.

Thanks for the advice.

Janna

Letty,

I didnt know about MB. I've been reading on the site for a few months.

We've been married 28 years. No children together...4 grown children from his first marriage. The OW as well as my H and myself are retired. The three of us worked at the same place.

I ordered SAA.

Janna

Jessica

He initially tried to claim it was innocent....just the resumption of the friendship they had before their A. That was said to avoid my wrath and I guess as an attempt to keep himself out of trouble. Obviously, ridulous.

He has since said he knows its wrong, apologized, expressed remorse etc.

Janna

He has since said he knows its wrong, apologized, expressed remorse etc.

Good! While he's still reeling - get him to sign the NC agreement YOU want going forward.

When you discovered the affair 4 yrs ago, did you expose it to family, friends, clergy, the workplace, OW's family, etc.? If not, I think you should tell everyone now, making it clear that your husband and the other woman have secretly reestablished contact during the past few months. If you did expose the affair 4 yrs ago, I would still update everyone about the reestablished contact.

Jessica

I did not expose exactly per MB principles, but I did tell some people. Also, OW BS had pics of them together and identified my H by talking to one of our coworkers, so people knew. Should I expose to others before I can speak to OW BS?
I am going to try to reach him again at work on Monday.

Janna

How did his first marriage end?

WalkinForward

He filed for D. According to him they had problems for years and the straw that broke the camels back for him was her getting pregnant(he believes intentionally) when they had agreed no more kids.

He said they were separated more than they were married. There were affairs, on both their parts, but I believe they happened while they were separated and not sure they saw them as A.

They got M very young and at least per my H because it seemed the thing to do after dating for a long time.

Janna

Janabell,

One thing to recognize is that affairs are addictions, and just like an alcoholic can never go to a bar, your WH can never contact OW. Dr Harley called it "an irrational attraction" on one of his radio programs. This is why the response to an affair often has to be as intense as the affair itself.

I think reading up on the experiences of others here on MB will help you set you mind to a definite purpose and course of action.

God Bless
Gamma

How long had he been divorced when you married him? How many women were there between his divorce and you?

How old were his children when you both married, and how often did they share time with you both?

My sense here is he has been wayward most of his adult life, hence his extraordinary precautions need to be rock solid tight, and if he won't agree you should go straight into Plan B, and prepare for Divorce.

He was divorced about two years when I married him. There were a couple of women he was involved with while he was waiting for his D to be final. The kids were about 12,11,7 and 2. We lived in a different state and he allowed his ex to take them back to his home state. So we at first once a month, weeks at holidays and summer; later we moved to same state and they were with us weekly.

Janna

Regardless of which plan you choose to implement, I would immediately do a full exposure & update everyone on the reestablished contact.

WalkinForward

Thats a good assessment......my H himself has said he always had a "back up" plan.

At this point Im not sure there are enough EP to make me feel safe with him.

And it just enrages me that this OW will not go away. She doesnt know that she was one of many while my H and I were separated. My instinct is to contact her and fill her in on the sordid details of what she apparently thinks was her grand romance with him.

I will Plan B if I need to, but Im not sure thats the best thing at the moment. He would go back to our other house to live and I think we have a better shot at working on this if he is 600 miles away from her instead of 5.

Janna