I'm going to apologize in advance but this might be long....

Today was a very difficult day for me. It may have even been tougher than going through my ordeal. Some of you may remember and some may not. Here's the link if you really want to know:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695883&page=1

But I got a call from SIL where she explained that my brother left her and their twin 5 yr DD's the day before Christmas stating he couldn't deal with her illness (can't remember what it's called but I know it's pretty serious). She explains to all the details that sounded oh so familiar. She spent the entire 30 min. call crying.

Things started to make sense when I realized my wayward brother had not responded to my friend request sent to him on his new fb page several weeks ago. I then went to that page and there it was. He had someone else, not his wife, loud and proud right in the middle of his cover.

So last night, I confronted my brother via fb since it was late and we live several states apart. In his response this morning he stated that he and his wife had been divorced since 08 and had simply been lying to us all over the last few years by pretending to be married. He then stated the name of the courts where the marriage was dissolved and offered to send the documentation.

I went to the court houses website and found all the paper work including the initial filing and the final dismissal of the divorce petition because neither party appeared. So I confront him again with this information. I even told him how I got it. He cut me off and deleted his fb account (the # i have for no longer works) so I could no longer contact him.

Knowing what I know now, I began enlisting the help of my mom, my brother (whom my wayward brother now lives with), and my cousin (because I was told he had questioned my brother about the girl). Guess what? I was wrong about my family. I thought they would be willing to do or say something. No! They all said the things my wxw's family said. "It's not our business" or "that's between them" or "quit judging him", etc. They tried to defend him by saying his wife has issues. She this and she that. It was sickening!

Today, there were several converations back and forth between those three and I tried to explain to them what we needed to do in terms of confronting him. I reminded my mother of my ordeal and explained it to my cousin who didn't know much about my situation other than the fact that I'm now divorced.

They all made me feel so horrible about what i was trying to do. The final straw for me came when I, in great detail, reminded my mother of the hurt she saw me go through. I asked her if she wanted to see someone else go through what I went through at the hands of her own son. I asked her if she knew her son was going over a cliff, wouldn't she try to save him. Her short response: he's still your brother.

REALLY? THAT'S ALL SHE HAD TO SAY!

Because it had become almost unbearable for me, watching all of this unfold again, hearing the indifference from those who saw what I went through, I told them all that I couldn't be a part of it and to no longer contact me unless they wanted to know how to talk about helping him. It got to be too much! It was hard but I couldn't stand it!

Your doing the right thing. It's sad when a parent knows their children are doing wrong and support them with blind indignation. If it were me I would disown him. I hope you get through to your folks, if doing the right thing was easy we wouldn't have any wars

So sorry Mark you have to endure this pain in your family again.

It's very frustrating when family enables the Wayward. Can you tell your SIL to come here so we may help her?

Do you know anything about the OW? Is she married?

Wow.

The timidity of the average American never surprises me anymore...but this story comes close.

From a practical standpoint - How are you holding up with this hitting you? Are you able to keep isolated your anger at your brother, worsened by your own story, from the rest of your life? If not, you should seek help. If writing here is sufficient, do so. If not....don't wait for PTSD-like symptoms to arise.

Waywards suck - brother or not!

Mark, I know exactly how you feel. It is a sad disappointment to learn that respected family and friends don't have the courage of their convictions. I feel sorry for your SIL. Good for you for standing by her.

I'm very sorry.

Hopefully you will perhaps describe this in a song someday.

But just remember. You can't control the actions of others. You CAN control YOUR actions and behavior!

I know very little of the other woman. All I know is she works with him. I know my brother has taken his dd's out with her. I know she bought them
Christmas gifts. And listen to this, my brother took his wife's ring and gave it to the ow (sil sent me the pic showing it from her ow's fb page). How awful is that?

I am going to try to get her to come here. I have already discussed with her plan b (although i didn't call it that). I even emailed her a copy of mine as a template.

So sorry, Mark, that really is ridiculous and heart-breaking. Did you tell SIL about this site? She should also see an attorney and if there's no custody order, keep the kids away from OW. There's a difference between loving a family member despite their poor choices and supporting the poor choices themselves.

Marksaysay,

Please council your SIL on MB methods, make sure to stay professional and somewhat distant as you don't want her becoming attached to you.

God Bless
Gamma

Completely understood. Since the initial conversation, our contact has been kept to a minimum because those were my exact sentiments. I have pleaded with her to come here so that she can get some of the same help I received and she said she would. I guess I did what I could in that respect.

Also, I sent my mother and brother a message via fb reaffirming my stance and using language that showed them the strength of my conviction about it all. I restated, in clear terms, my desire for no further contact unless they decide they want to help and not enable. My mother hasn't responded. My brother said, "Well, I guess I won't be contacting you, then."

The funny things is that didn't bother me. Last night, when it was all so fresh, I was a mess with everything causing the events of my ordeal to bring back some old emotions. Today, I feel so much more at peace because I know I'm doing the right thing.

Push your SIL here.

Maybe you can get together over some coffee and do some internet browsing. Oh look at what I found, marriagebuilders.

You have got to stand up and help your SIL to fight. She can't do it, and no one else appears to know how or to be willing.

Great idea, TheRoad, but unfortunately we live several states apart so it is not possible. With that being said, I am doing everything in my power to get her here.

This morning, I sent her a message describing in detail what to do once she comes here, such as coming to the SAA forum, how to write her post (paragraph form), what to expect from the members (questions if important details are missing), etc.

She keeps saying she will but I still don't see anything. I keep coming back to see if there is a new member with a new thread with recognizable content but nothing yet.

I'll stay on her....

'nother idea...

Since you are too far apart, try a telephone coffee break. Both of you online and on the telephone while you walk her through the site.

Also, listening to the radio program is a good way for people to get introduced to MB materials.

Some people are more "listen" oriented, some more "written word" oriented.

Just a suggestion.

That's a great suggestion. I will keep that idea in my bag. SIL responded that she will be getting on because she needs a place to be able to get things out. If she doesn't do it by the time I get off of work tonight, I will throw that idea at her.

On another note, my mom just responded by saying I didn't try to get them involved when I was going thru my situation. She said my brother (not the wayward) is not going to get involved because it's not his business. She also stated that my wayward brother is a grown man who has to handle his own issues. She also said we should just let God handle it (it all sounds so familiar). She said she was hurt by the divisions caused in the family because of someone else marriage.

My response was simple and short. I explained that they knew what I was going thru but I enlisted the help of the people who were the closest and would have the greatest impact on my ww...her family, and that they were willing to do the same thing my family is willing to do, which is nothing.

I told her that, yes, God can handle it, but He uses people to bring about change. I ended by restating again my stance. If they wanted to help my brother AND his family, then good. If not, just leave me alone. And I meant it!

Hopefully, she will begin to understand just how serious I am...

mark, i'm so sorry to hear about your brother. i am horrified that he gave the OW his wife's ring, and that the skank is actually wearing it! that speaks volumes about the two of them.

know that you will get support here even though your family have turned away. i hope that your SIL will find her way here. i'm sure you've sent her a link, and i imagine she will at least browse here. do you know if she has exposed to her family? she needs all the support she can get. not to mention the pseudo-d - great snooping!

remember to take care of yourself. trigger city

I have given her everything she needs to find her way here. And as I stated earlier, if she doesn't make her way here by the time I get off of work tonight (I'll be leaving for work shortly), I will follow the previous suggestion of calling her and walking her through.

On another note, my last message to my mother and brother have sparked more dialogue. My mother told me she has tried to talk to him. My brother said I wasn't handling things right as a Man of God.

My reply, while lengthy, simply told them that when we've tried to lovingly convince a loved one to change, it becomes even more important to turn up the heat, so to speak. My mom's previous comment was that my brother could not bring the OW to her house. My brother is allowing the wayward to stay with him. I told them to cut off all forms of support so that my brother will be forced to crash and burn on his own. Stop letting him stay in their homes, stop letting him use them for any reason UNTIL he stops doing what he's doing. I said to cut him off and see what happens.

Mark, I am sure deep down your mother is proud of you. Keep supporting that poor woman and take care of yourself too. God smiles upon the righteous.

I thought I might have began reaching them but I was wrong. They still say leave it alone. I sent one last message that said this:

Love and faith are both action words. If they love my brother and have faith in God, they have to act. The Red Sea didn't open up until the Israelites started walking towards the water in faith. Had they never moved, nothing would have happened.

I am officially done talking now....ugh

Dude, your family seems to have a hang up and abysmal misunderstanding about "God". From Mom's
urging you to let God handle it to (idiot) enabling brother's accusation that you are not approaching him
as a "man of God", they seem to believe that the Supreme Deity is like a Gumby figure, malleable to
their own desired position!

Yeah, the ancients had a vision of the Almighty as displayed to the left, but that is soooo 3rd century BC!

Today we know that WE are the thunderbolts that do His work, well, at least those of us still maintaining
a viable "spark" of morality and righteous thought.

It may be that their complacency is ignorance, but more likely it is a product of laziness, cowardice, and
risk/conflict aversion. Very sad for them, and for any children still under their care. Moral training is
truly a depleting resource, only as strong in the following generation as was transferable from the prior!

You keep to the path you're on, friend. Let them wander to the bushes.

When your wayward brother's life is in despair, when he comes to the realization that he has lost everything, he will know that some loved ones stood by and allowed this to happen, even encouraged it to happen, and further pushed his life along the destructive course it was on.

And then there was you.

It may not be today or tomorrow, but in all liklihood it will be some day. You know the numbers, the chances that he will find happiness and bliss in this new lifestyle. Slim to none.

He will know that you loved him enough not to enable him destroying his life and his family.