It's been a month since I've stopped the affair. He is friends with my husband so I still have to see him on a social level - how am I ever going to get over him? MY lover was also my friends' husband. However, she always tells me that she is no longer really attracted to him either and has had an affair as well. I guess that is how I justified it, but I still have to remain in contact with him every so often and that makes it sooo hard.<p>I am in love with him (lover) and I know it sounds stupid, but that's how I feel. There is no spark in my marriage and I don't think there will ever be, but my husband is a great person in so many ways, but I just don't feel for him the passion that I know I can and want to feel.<p> I know honesty is the best policy but my husband has always told my that if I EVER cheat on him, he will fight for custody of our son and he is so stubborn and proud that I know he means what he says. I am so afraid that even though this affair is over, the temptation will be there forever. How do I ever get through that feeling of wanting more and that what I have isn't enough? What do I do?<p>[This message has been edited by Joliene (edited 02-23-99).]

Boy, do you sound like my wife. First, your comments are all about your needs and your focus on the OM. Look where your energy is directed? What if you and your husband met each others needs..Have you read the concepts section on this site? Also, when you have that feeling for the OM and are still in contact, you will see very little good or desireable in your husband. You are forced to amplify his negatives and ignore his positives. You say you can and want to feel passion for your husband. You are taking a good first step looking here. Whether to to tell will be a difficult but probably necessary decision. <p>[This message has been edited by JB (edited 02-23-99).]

I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I'm happy for you that you broke off the affair. I can't tell you whether or not to tell him, but if he finds out about it later, you will wish then that you told him along time ago. I echo the previous comments. If you spent as much effort on meeting your husbands needs as you did thinking about the OM, you might be surprised at the outcome. You both need to talk about your needs and meet each others needs. I hope you can forgive yourself and I hope everything works out in your marriage. But, honesty is the best policy. No, you weren't honest when you had the affair, but you can be honest now. . . and if you're so worried about losing your son, maybe you should have thought about that before the affair (sorry for sounding so angry), but the truth sometimes hurts. God bless you.

i think everyone that's had an affair share simalar feelings. i know i do. you find by reading the postings on these boards that everytime you see and speak to the om, you will renew your addiction to him and the satisfaction of an important emotional need. it's very hard to give up something that is finally satisfying an important need, one that perhaps has not been satisfied for a long time. but, as i have read, if you give him up, totally, forever, avoid talking to him or seeing him, you will get over your addiction. keep in mind, this will be a painful time for you. you will go through the pain of redrawal as any one would breaking anyother kind of addiction. you don't say if you ever were passionate with your h. assumming you were at one time, you will probably regain that, with help from counsilling. you have to step away from the fire of the affair to feel the heat of your marriage. i'm going through the same thing now. i am hopeful everthing i said above will work for you and me. it is hard to step away from the wonderful satisfaction of the affair and back into what now seems to be and maybe actually a boring marriage. but, as i've read here, and it makes sense to me, the affair is a fantasy and will not survive the light of day. good luck!

I wonder how Joliene is doing now...