We spent last night grocery shopping together and spent time in the hot tub together:) Today, we are planning our trip..making list of things we need, discussing plans for the trip. A lot of interaction and communication today. No plans yet for tomorrow, perhaps swimming, going out to dinner, and finish planning the layout for our exercise.

that sounds great! don't forget that grocery shopping is a terrific place to practice POJA on little things to build a habit for when bigger things come up. we use it all the time. it might seem silly at first (these pears or those pears? any pears?), but it's building up the habit that's important.

for example: yesterday the shop had 6 ears of corn for $3 (normally $1/ea).

i suggested getting 6 to take advantage of the savings ("look honey, half price! how would you feel about getting them?").

H pointed out that we are only home for 2 more days and will have waste ("i feel that 6 is too many; we're only home 2 more nights.").

i suggested just getting 2 for last night's dinner ("how would you feel about 2, then?)

he suggested 4 ("how would *you* feel about 4? two for tonight, 2 for tomorrow?").

i thought that was a good idea ("that sounds good to me - we get to enjoy two nights of sweetcorn."). we've gotta eat in season when it's here because there's nothing out of season; don't want to miss out on sweetcorn!

so we agreed on 4 ("so 4 sounds good to you?" "yep, 4 sounds perfect.").

see how that works? easy-peasy, the focus is on how you feel about the idea & subsequent suggestions, putting the spouse first; showing consideration. no fuss or bother, no hurt feelings, just a calm, rational discussion with several options given until both spouses can be in agreement. lots of practice on little stuff where it doesn't matter so much puts you in a place to both be calm and offer lots of suggestions when a larger, more important issue arises. also, it's nice to have that little touch, smile, kiss or whathaveyou when you reach agreement. a little bonus in the affection area.

we find that both of us are regularly approaching our conversations about just about everything in this manner. don't misunderstand me - i'm not saying it's easy. i've been on MB for a year now. it's taken months of work. but practice on the little stuff gets you there. whenever one of us slips up (yep, the BS slips up too!), the other will just look and say, "excuse me?" with a bit of a smile. that tends to bring a laugh. and a rephrased Q!

have a terrific trip! i'm packing for ours now too.

Helen, I had my WH do a poly back in November. The questions have to be based on fact and not on feelings. It will not help you to ask if your WH is in love with you, OW, or pink fairies.

The questions are yes and no questions and the answers are mor accurate if is a single issue test. I gave my FWH 3 questions. He was deceptive with the first question so the flowing 2 ere inconclusive. But the polygrapher felt, based on his experience, that he was being truthful on the last 2 questions.

Be prepared to get some truth before but probably not all. Kiss continued to lie up to and during and it wasn't until after the test that he told the truth.

I wish I had done the polygraph back in march as posters had told me to. I feel that my recovery was not only set back in a huge way because of his dishonesty, but almost destroyed our marriage once and for all.

i strongly urge you to do a poly so you can start to rebuild on a "clean" slate with everything out on the table.

I also did a poly.

Regarding questions here is my theory. Your WH, prior to the test, does not need to know just exactly how it works. You are the one in contact with the examiner right? So you do not need to share with your WH the fact that you can only ask 3-4 yes/no questions. And you certainly don't need to share with him just what those questions will be.

The goal is for him to have no clue what will be asked, and in an effort to not get 'busted' come clean on everything.

So I would give him a list of ALL your questions, even emotional ones that do not work on a poly. Then give the examiner the 3 most important/key yes/no type questions that you want answers to.

I would, however, steer away from the 'do you love me' question. For the first decade of our M, when H was detached and arrogant and wayward, and I was a confused spouse with low self esteem, I would always say 'do you love me???' I just needed constant reassurance from him, because I didn't FEEL loved. Then, when I went into full blown resentment/wayward phase and my own taker took over, and he thought I was going to leave him, H asked ME all the time 'do you love me???' for the same reason, because he didn't FEEL loved and he felt very vulnerable. Now, we have axed this in our M, neither of us is allowed to ask it. We both recognize that it sounds needy, and it actually IMO represents a general lack of feeling safe. In which case, if either one of us wants to ask that question, what we should REALLY be doing is having a discussion about why we don't feel safe and how to change that.

But that's just my .02 on the matter.

I am very very glad to see you working on a poly. As RQ said, the trickle truth will continue to stunt any chance of recovery. Information is painful, but it doesn't become LESS painful if you find it out 5 yrs from now. Finding everything out now just saves you 5 yrs of wondering and false recovery.

Because before life as BS's poly's were only something you saw done by stupid people on Jerry Springer. They seem so...unclassy. Like if it comes to that, is this an M I even want to be in?

I had those same feelings. I'm sure lots of people do when thinking about a poly. It is an effort to change your way of thinking about it to one of a tool used to allow your WH to prove his trustworthiness. An opportunity to start from a clean slate of truth.


FYI I have thought this a MILLION times. In all the years I dated, I never had someone break up with me. I was not a woman who allowed someone to disrespect me. If I wasn't treated right, there's the door. My motto was "men are like buses, if you miss one the next one will come along in 5 minutes." I remember my roommate coming home from the bar one night and saying there was a new song "Any Man Of Mine" by Shania Twain and it really made her think of me! Nobody, NOBODY would have thought I would ever stay with a cheating man.

But then it happens, and you realize that your gut instinct is to STAY. And you are laying on the bathroom floor in a pool of tears going WHAT??? Why am I not burning clothes? Why am I not packing his bags? Why do I want to STAY?

Slight T/J. During the affair, the OW made this joke in a group, in front of my husband. It stood out to him as he realized he was not that special to her after all. H didn't know it at the time, but he was at least the third (that her husband knew about) affair for this woman.

FWIW, I had always said that in the case of an H affair, I would file for divorce in a NY minute. That is not what I did, of course. And thanks to MB and huge changes in my H and changes in me as well, my H and I have a great marriage.

My H completed a poly as well and actually became an open and honest man a few months later.

AM